Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Closing this Chapter

It is with a heavy, sad heart that I share this news of us losing the baby. It doesn't come as a total surprise as our low, slowly increasing beta numbers, undetected fetal pole, teeny sac and undetected heartbeat are all indicative of miscarriage.  Mercifully, the end has come more quickly than it might have.  Yesterday we were told that even if nothing could be seen in the latest ultrasound aside from a small sac, if our carrier’s beta rose by even a few numbers, we'd have to act as if we were pregnant and prepare for another long, ten day of monitoring. However, this morning we learned that the beta level decreased. An ultrasound will still be performed but it's really just a formality.

We are some of the lucky ones to have come this far and for that we are grateful.  At the same time, we are incredibly sad, distraught and disappointed.  Frustrated comes to mind as well seeing that "excellent quality" embryos aren't necessarily excellent.  (This only added hope and additional pressure to an already tremendously stressful process.)  Personally, I go between numb and sobbing uncontrollably for what might have been.  Having to share this news with our loved ones is dreadful.  They are just as devastated and to hear their disappointment is heart wrenching.  The thought of what we may have to go through if our two frozen embryos don't go to term brings such anxiety to me I can hardly explain it.

We still have each other and together, we will persevere.  We have joined yet another family in the baby-making world - those that have experienced a miscarriage.  I can't say I'm happy to be part of this family but if it helps us to cope better or if we can support someone also going through this, we are here for the long haul.  We'll be speaking with the doctors again tomorrow morning to see how R is doing and to discuss next steps.

23 comments:

  1. Dear Shannon

    I know the feeling and I know what you are going through, we've been there.

    I just want to give you both a Big Hug.

    Linda

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  2. I'm sorry for your loss. It is heartbreaking when so much effort and anticipation leads to sadness. But, you are right in that you are not alone. There are many who have found a path to success by persistence! You're in our prayers as you grieve and then hopefully prepare for another go!

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  3. I'm so sorry to read this post. We lost our little one at 12 weeks. The grief was palpable. Thinking of you at this terrible time. Keep trying xxx

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  4. It's always very sad to hear this but hopefully you will continue with another attempt at some point. Take care of yourselves as you process your loss.

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  5. Ahh, this is really disappointing and sad to hear.

    Words just cannot fully comprehend, how you must be feeling.

    However know that you are in our thoughts at this time.....

    We respectfully give you space..........

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  6. Shannon and Geoff - there are no words only friendship that I can offer. I am here -
    With love,
    Sheryl

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  7. Shan and Geoff, I can't even begin to tell you how sorry we are. You know I am here for you anytime you want to talk. You both are very strong and have huge hearts. Here you are going through this and you still call to check on us. What an amazing woman! Please know that we are thinking of you both. I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed for your next move.

    xoxoxo

    Greggers and Robbers

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  8. We are both so sad to hear this news. We were praying for positive news for you two. Please stay strong and we know you will be there for each other until you try again.....

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  9. I am deeply saddened to hear about your loss. There are no words to express the heartbreak I feel for you both. Shannon and Geoff please know I am here for you both and will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Love,
    Stella.

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  10. We are So sorry for you to have to go through this. Wish we could be there for you. Please know we are thinking of you and send so much love to you both.

    Kristine and Marty

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  11. I'm so sorry, guys. I feel your pain and wish I could take it away. But please know, all this sorrow will melt away when you hold your baby in your arms.

    You have each other for the moment, and that's more than a lot of poeple have.

    Do something special while your wounds heal.

    x

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  12. Shannon & Geoff,
    I know I echo everyone else's comments & thoughts when I tell you how indescribably sad I am for you. I have no words to offer towards your coping, other than to remind you of how loved you are, & Jeff & i (& so many other people) are here in any way we can be to help you through this.
    Love,
    Jen

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  13. Oh this is not what we wanted to hear at all. We are very sorry to hear this news. Don't let this be the end.
    Kerrie and Mark

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  14. Thinking of you and wishing the news was different. Don't lose hope. You'll have your baby soon enough. In the meantime, take care and know you are not alone.

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  15. So so sorry to hear this news. Hope that you can continue the pursuit again very soon.

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  16. We are so sorry to hear your news. We lost our baby at 5 weeks 4 days, so although early in some peoples eyes, the loss feels the same. We are now in the same situation of using 3 frozen embryos and don't know what to do if it doesn't happen again. We have followed your story and know that one day you will also have a child of your own to love and nuture. Please keep strong and know that there are many people sending positive vibes your way.

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  17. Oh you guys I'm so sorry. It took us from our last negative in early November to now to actually take some serious steps toward getting our baby. I've been reading and hoping and sending positive thoughts to all our friends going through this, wherever they may be. It's an isolating process being so far away but remember that these people who you've met on the blogs are more than just people, they are here for you and can relate. Take comfort in that, though I know we are a small "wee" group we all care about you. Hang in there and as my friend Leslie said, "believe that baby"! Hugs, D and B

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  18. Shannon & Geoff,

    Words fail. I am so sorry. Hold onto eachother through your grief and frustration. Hugs to you both.

    Love-
    Jenn Gallucci

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  19. I am very sad to hear the news and I'm sorry for your loss. Be strong, grieve and don't let this be the end. If your heart desire a child you will have one. As someone once told me, there will be many obstacle that you will go through during this process, but when that baby comes to this world, everything will be worth it. It will be your miracle baby. Hang in there.

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  20. As you know, I am so sorry for your loss. This must be so frustrating and my heart is breaking for you both. I'm here for you whenever you need me. You say so eloquently in your post how you are feeling, but it must have been so hard to write that without feelings of anger, too. I will be in touch and understand if you don't respond, but would love to be there for you.

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  21. It's all been said before, but i am so sorry,

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  22. Shannon and Geoff,

    I am so very sorry that this happened. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Tracy

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  23. Our first experience was very similar to that you have just been through. We played the beta game for some time an our numbers were very similar to that of yours. We did progress a little further however and had a heart beat and made it to eleven weeks and then found out we had a missed abortion.
    It is a tough time and we hold you in our thoughts. We have been reading your blog and re-living our first attempt however I did not want to comment earlier.
    We are now pregnant however it is early. Give yourself time to grieve and recover but stay positive!!
    All the best and sorry for your loss.

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