Closing this Chapter

It is with a heavy, sad heart that I share this news of us losing the baby. It doesn't come as a total surprise as our low, slowly increasing beta numbers, undetected fetal pole, teeny sac and undetected heartbeat are all indicative of miscarriage.  Mercifully, the end has come more quickly than it might have.  Yesterday we were told that even if nothing could be seen in the latest ultrasound aside from a small sac, if our carrier’s beta rose by even a few numbers, we'd have to act as if we were pregnant and prepare for another long, ten day of monitoring. However, this morning we learned that the beta level decreased. An ultrasound will still be performed but it's really just a formality.

We are some of the lucky ones to have come this far and for that we are grateful.  At the same time, we are incredibly sad, distraught and disappointed.  Frustrated comes to mind as well seeing that "excellent quality" embryos aren't necessarily excellent.  (This only added hope and additional pressure to an already tremendously stressful process.)  Personally, I go between numb and sobbing uncontrollably for what might have been.  Having to share this news with our loved ones is dreadful.  They are just as devastated and to hear their disappointment is heart wrenching.  The thought of what we may have to go through if our two frozen embryos don't go to term brings such anxiety to me I can hardly explain it.

We still have each other and together, we will persevere.  We have joined yet another family in the baby-making world - those that have experienced a miscarriage.  I can't say I'm happy to be part of this family but if it helps us to cope better or if we can support someone also going through this, we are here for the long haul.  We'll be speaking with the doctors again tomorrow morning to see how R is doing and to discuss next steps.