I am sure I am not alone when I say that when I sit down to put my thoughts on paper (or for this blog), the first thing that comes to mind is that it's still very hard to believe we are pregnant. Because this isn't happening to me or inside MY body, at times it can be a bit out of sight, out of mind. Believe me, it's not that I'm not excited or emotionally invested - I am 100% both of those things!
My sister is also currently pregnant. She and her husband are four months ahead of us and they are due with their first child in mid-November. Unlike me, she is feeling all aspects of the pregnancy - emotional, mental and especially, physical. The sensations that go hand in hand with being pregnant are always with her so she is constantly reminded of its presensce. I can't say I'm jealous; truthfully, some of what she's experiencing I'm happy to take a pass on. However, I can't help but feel a little envy, just as any woman would who wants to carry but is not able to do so.
Geoff and I are now at a point where we're sharing our news with those who haven't been aware of our journey. This puts me into the awkward position of answering the very frequent, "You're pregnant?! Oh great - how are you feeling?" For the most part I'm fine with sharing our special circumstances (to the right people) but it does reinforce the sense of loss I have that it's the surrogate - not me - who is carrying our child and experiencing the actual pregnancy. It's a lot to wrap your head around. Maybe to some it doesn't feel like a big deal. However, when you're living it, it's always in the back of your mind. While I'm over the moon to be pregnant, it's just hard accepting that it's not happening inside my body.
On a much happier note, recent tests show that everything continues to progress well with our pregnancy. Phew! We have a double-marker test coming up so there's never a shortage of things to worry about, but this is no longer about surrogacy, just about going to term. I'm also happy to report that we've conquered the registry gun at Babies R Us and have also splurged with some fun things on a registry at Land of Nod. Next up.....order baby furniture, start nursery decorating and meet with pediatricians, day care providers and the like. Oh, and the name game continues! Currently, Geoff is batting zero while I have a full dugout of names. Agreeing on one might turn out to be harder than this whole surrogacy journey.
3 years ago