I am sure I am not alone when I say that when I sit down to put my thoughts on paper (or for this blog), the first thing that comes to mind is that it's still very hard to believe we are pregnant. Because this isn't happening to me or inside MY body, at times it can be a bit out of sight, out of mind. Believe me, it's not that I'm not excited or emotionally invested - I am 100% both of those things!
My sister is also currently pregnant. She and her husband are four months ahead of us and they are due with their first child in mid-November. Unlike me, she is feeling all aspects of the pregnancy - emotional, mental and especially, physical. The sensations that go hand in hand with being pregnant are always with her so she is constantly reminded of its presensce. I can't say I'm jealous; truthfully, some of what she's experiencing I'm happy to take a pass on. However, I can't help but feel a little envy, just as any woman would who wants to carry but is not able to do so.
Geoff and I are now at a point where we're sharing our news with those who haven't been aware of our journey. This puts me into the awkward position of answering the very frequent, "You're pregnant?! Oh great - how are you feeling?" For the most part I'm fine with sharing our special circumstances (to the right people) but it does reinforce the sense of loss I have that it's the surrogate - not me - who is carrying our child and experiencing the actual pregnancy. It's a lot to wrap your head around. Maybe to some it doesn't feel like a big deal. However, when you're living it, it's always in the back of your mind. While I'm over the moon to be pregnant, it's just hard accepting that it's not happening inside my body.
On a much happier note, recent tests show that everything continues to progress well with our pregnancy. Phew! We have a double-marker test coming up so there's never a shortage of things to worry about, but this is no longer about surrogacy, just about going to term. I'm also happy to report that we've conquered the registry gun at Babies R Us and have also splurged with some fun things on a registry at Land of Nod. Next up.....order baby furniture, start nursery decorating and meet with pediatricians, day care providers and the like. Oh, and the name game continues! Currently, Geoff is batting zero while I have a full dugout of names. Agreeing on one might turn out to be harder than this whole surrogacy journey.
11 years ago
Oh hun! I know exactly your thoughts and feelings about not carrying but as my hubby tells me your giving up 9 months for a life time of happiness...once you hold your baby all that just goes away (so i hear, lol).
ReplyDeletethe registry gun is the bomb! we learned during our wedding time, cant wait until its our turn for baby registry!! you envy your sister and many women envy you (including me)!! your such a wonderful person and soon to be wonderful mommy!!
Someone once said that to her, being pregnant was akin to what a husband or male partner would experience. Both you and Geoff alike can experience your baby's pregnancy in the same way. It certainly doesn't make you any less of a mother. Congratulations on strong progress. How exciting!
ReplyDeleteShannon, I can tell you first hand that I experienced that very same emotion of not carrying Lila. It made me so sad to see someone who was pregnant rubbing their belly because I wanted so badly for that to be me. I can attest that that terrible feeling does go away the moment you meet your sweet lil' baby. Oh Yeah, Get ready for all of the many compliments you will receive on how AMAZING you look for just having a baby!
ReplyDeleteShannon, Once you start doing those "getting ready" things like talking to doctors and daycare providers, you'll start to feel like it is more real, but unfortunately it all feels a little abstract until the moment that they put a baby in your arms, shake your hand, and say "good luck!" I think you'll find that most people are pretty blase about the idea of a woman who is "expecting" but not pregnant -- there are so many non-traditional ways families come together now. It is nice that you get to hear about the not-so-pleasant aspects of pregnancy from your sister, and that you'll get some newborn practice with your new niece or nephew before your baby arrives.
ReplyDeleteIt must be so hard. I remember feeling resentful that I did not have the same experience other mother's had, but I'm still a mom and so are you! She'll be here before you know it. She'll have your eyes, your smile and your sassy attitude. Did I mention I'm thinking it's a girl? Name her Dru, you won't regret it and it's good for a girl or boy, just sayin'. Hang in there and keep focusing on the shopping, that always helps us girls feel better. You should absolutely write a book on your experience. You and Geoff write all of this in such an elegant way with true feelings. I'm sure many people going through alternative ways of having children would be thankful. I know you could handle the traveling and speaking engagements that come with book publishing LOL! I'm so happy for you both...she'll be here before you know it!
ReplyDeletedon't worry. once you see your bump pictures you will be so very happy. you are blessed to be able to travel this route and once you have your little baby in your arms.... ahhhhh
ReplyDeleteThe moment you have to feed her every two hours for about 45 days, you´ll be very happy to be in shape and not worn out from pregnancy and childbirth! You´ll be, not jealous, but amazed by woman who have done both!!! And honestly wondering how you would feel if you had to breast or bottle feed every two hours if you had just given birth and in the end, secretly happy that that is not your case! We have a 4 month old baby from surrogacy in india with donor eggs. I went through all of that doubting. I even tried to breast feed! Err, umm. Our baby loved us from the get'go and all the rest, given what took us to India, doesn´t matter. You´ll remember my comment when you have to get up at 12 am, 2 am, 4 am, 6 am, 8 am, etc.... do not worry! Get in shape and get sleep!!! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the wonderful update. And I agree with other postings, now you and geoff can experience it together, but I can understand what your feeling. It's okay to feel that way, but remember you ARE having one. And for the name-lol, both my kids came home without names. Will you find out the sex of the baby? SO EXCITING!!!!!
ReplyDelete(Please send congrats to your sister!)
Love, Kristine & Marty