Near Miss

A 2am phone call this past Tuesday shot Shannon to the ceiling. Unclawing herself, she dropped to our bed, grabbed the phone and shoveled it in my direction. Spying an Indian number on the Caller ID, I put the call on speakerphone and wished Dr. Sudhir a good afternoon (his time), trying to conjure positive reasons for such a late night call.

Dr. Sudhir soberly told us he'd been trying to reach Shannon and I for some time - turns out they were calling our cell phones, stupidly left to recharge in the next room. Now that he had us, here's Dr. Yash..... The classic but feared symptom of placenta previa had reared its ugly head. R had hemorrhaged an hour or two earlier. The bleeding, which had stopped on its own accord, wasn't life threatening in and of itself but threatened a more significant bleed that could endanger both R and our baby. Bottom line, one more bleed and a C-section would be started immediately.

R was put on 24-7 bed rest at our birthing hospital, Hiranandani, and would be cared for by Dr. Soni, the doctor who was to be our OBGYN. A doppler told the doctors that our baby was no worse for wear and, hopefully, totally ignorant of what had happened just an inch or two away. Just in case, steroids had been administered to accelerate lung development. Our local fertility doctor confirmed that India acted perfectly by the book, believing R was well cared for. Of even greater comfort was his belief that having now reached the 33rd week - and achieving an (albeit guesstimate) jolly weight of over 5 pounds - our baby would likely come through this premature birth unscathed. Maybe a little siesta in the NICU but that was about it.

Shannon and I have had a few days to process the news and begin the rationalization thing. The baby's fine, R is fine, the doctors are on top of things. As for the stuff we can control, it was time to get ready for a midnight call telling us to get on the next flight to Mumbai. The baby shower (whose story Shannon will share here) left us in fantastic shape. With a little more shopping this past weekend we're now well equipped for a three week trip to India. The only thing we couldn't pick up was a talisman that could keep everyone healthy and delay our baby's delivery 'til he/she is fully out of the woods.

Here's something that in retrospect makes sense but had never occurred to either Shannon or myself nor was never made clear by our clinic. Now that R has been admitted to the hospital, we have no right to her medical information. Medical privacy! Could we ask R to share her information? Sure, if we could speak Hindi. How about the fact that it's our baby in there? Well, surrogacy is not recognized by Indian health privacy laws, laws deeply respected even (rightfully) by our doctors at SI. Of course, we're kept up to date through generalities - R is good, the baby is fine - but that's as far as it goes. As long as all goes well, such generalities are enough. If things turn badly, well, our baby's on the way out and that's our business!

Our cell phones are by our bed and Continental Airlines is on speed dial. We very much hope for two to three more weeks of cooking time but our bags are packed.

Shower Day!

Shannon and her closest friends are in the midst of celebrating the impending birth of our first baby. My dad and I made an early appearance to work the receiving line before disappearing amidst hors d'oeuvres and wine glasses. What a beautiful sight. An amazing, positive vibe flowed through the room, smiling faces everywhere.

Unbeknowst to me, we're having triplets. I can only assume this is the case because there was a giant pile of gifts given to us by our amazing friends.

We love all of you for your support and friendship. Enjoy the party!

Great Timing

The Fates decided that Shannon and I needed a few more items on our plate. Do I mean the headache of a lottery win or the hardship of a free vacation to Bali? Unfortunately, no. I'm talking about the always fun move to a new home. To be fair, we could have put this off for a few months, but the thought of strapping on our newborn so we could pack everything we own into boxes, followed by the big unload in a new place, well, that seemed a recipe for disaster. So the past 45 days or so have been dedicated to getting our move started and finished pronto.

I'm guessing records aren't kept about the time elapsed from the moving van's departure to saying, "You mean there's nothing left to unpack, put away, arrange, hang on the wall, repaint, put on Craigslist, donate, leave on the curb or bring to the basement?!?!" It may be just as well because our ownership of that record would be so firm that Guiness would have to rename it in our honor. I was a bit player: carry-the-box and hang-the-shelf guy. Left to my own devices, this move would have taken a year and a half to complete. However, I've got Shannon on my team. She's been a hurricane of activity, a hurricane leaving neatness and order in its wake. I can honestly say I've lived in the presence of greatness. To help you know it when you see it: Greatness works until midnight every day, has Platinum frequent flier status with Target, Home Depot and Home Goods, and has mood swings to beat the band.

Ask Shannon. If we never move again, it'll be too soon.

As for India, we actually have a lot to share and one blog entry won't cut it. Most importantly, our carrier's complete placenta previa has yet to improve. (Recall that placenta previa is a condition in which the placenta blocks the exit. By saying our condition is 'complete' we mean the exit is completely blocked, making a C-section mandatory.) As a result, we're starting to gear up for a proactive Week 37 delivery. Not ideal. That 37th week is the one during which a baby's i's are dotted and t's crossed. If only we could make it to the 38th week - that's bonus time.... Of course, the carrier's health takes precedence so when it's time, it's time.

The 37th week begins on February 15 so Shannon and I have booked a flight leaving Boston on the 14th. Yep, Valentine's Day. A nice coincidence. I'm hopeful we'll be changing that departure date 'til later in the week because that will mean the pregnancy has been allowed to progress a bit farther. However, to ensure we have good seats - and, in particular, to ensure we have bulkhead seats with bassinette access for the trip back to Boston - we didn't want to wait any longer.

We'll have another blog entry soon to share more details about the planning of our return. In the meantime, I need to run downstairs. I'm typing this entry at 11:30pm and Shannon - Hurricane Greatness - is still at it. It's not yet midnight, we've got our baby shower in three days and there's lots to do. Like I said, a full plate!

Flock Behavior

A first-time mamma bird turns to her older friend, the mother of a whole flock of chicks, and asks, "So, Baby Bjorn, Ergo, Maya Wrap or Didymos sling?"

Ok, that never happened (as far as I know) but I've been party to a whole bunch of conversations along those lines. It's overwhelming. Frankly, how can I even be expected to have an opinion? I don't know about other first time dads but I've never had to comparison shop Moses baskets before. My fallback solution is to lean on Google search, digging up opinions and reading with a critical eye. That and to page through an absolutely excellent shopping guide, Baby Bargains. But at the end of the day, who knows?

Every friend of ours with little ones has advice, of course, and those opinions range all over the map. Invariably, multiple moms with perfectly happy children will tell us, in no uncertain terms, that we should absolutely do x and not do y - where x and y are completely different from one mom to the next. I tend to listen more to those moms (and dads) who share my temperament. In general, I'm not a worrier and don't need things under 24x7 control so I'm open to advice from folks with the same roll-with-it attitude. And anecdotal evidence doesn't impress me. It's like diets. Each weight-loss success story claims their diet is the best when, in fact, all we really know is what worked for that one person. No two babies are the same either but in general they're much more resilient than the typical modern family seems to gives them credit for.

Ah yes, I know. Wait 'til you have a baby, you're thinking. And sure, I won't be handing our infant a house key and cell phone for at least a few months. However, from my sheltered pre-baby perch, I'm thinking healthy infants are far less dependent on how we handle the minutiae of parenthood. Worrying too much about this stuff is for the birds!

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Recently the mailman dropped off a DVD carrying our latest ultrasound. Reports from India have been consistently positive but having something - anything - to look at gives us great satisfaction. The experience is very much like cloud gazing. "What's that look like?" "A school bus!" For some reason Shannon saw a hundred different penises although, of course, we haven't a clue. We did get one good look at our baby's face though. Seems our little one's having a pretty good time in there!

Proud Auntie

I am very proud to say that I am an auntie!

Baby Isla was born on October 31st and is a beautiful baby girl. I had the amazing pleasure of being by my sister's side during Isla's delivery and this is something that I'll never forget. Watching little Isla take her first breaths in the world was momentous. Now my little niece is an eating and pooping machine!

Being around Isla has really made me realize that in only 3-4 months, we too will have a little one to swoon over. Holy moly, only 3-4 more months - wow! Time is flying by and November, December and January will be jam-packed months for us. Not only are we moving in December but we will be going through IVF again here in the states. As I get older I'm producing fewer eggs so we think it's best to freeze embryos in case we ever want/can try again. We met with our local fertility doctor this past Friday and the wheels are now in motion. If all goes as planned, we'll have another round of IVF under our belt before leaving for India.

Next step in our preparations for returning to Mumbai is finding and reserving our hotel.  We favor the Novotel because we loved it so much, but we're also researching other options as well.

Dream Job

Shannon's upstairs, in bed, sensibly getting a good night's rest to fight a nagging head cold that kept her home from work today. Just before she turned in, the two of us sat together and talked about a dream she had the previous night. Shannon has a lot of dreams. Glossy, high color affairs that tend towards the dramatic and downright dangerous. Normally, my first question upon learning of a new dream is whether she was shooting the semi-automatic, running from the shooter or both. This time the dream was a bit more traditional, the naked-in-the-classroom kind. She and I were in India to pick up our baby, completely unprepared for departure. No idea how to get the birth certificate, visa, passport, social security number.....

It wouldn't be surrogacy in India without something nontraditional to worry about.

Sometimes Shannon and I receive questions about our experience and its implications that, well, let's just say folks haven't thought it through. "Ok. Shannon's egg, your sperm, an Indian carrier. Got it. So your baby could look Indian, huh?" Nope. As my father pointed out on one such occasion, cakes don't look like the oven. Other times, however, the questions we come across are well founded. "Will your baby have Indian citizenship?" (No.) "Do you need to take DNA tests to prove maternity and paternity?" (Used to but, apparently, no longer necessary. Possession of complete documentation detailing the process in chronological order suffices.) "How will you know when to go back for the pickup?" (We won't. As Shannon shared, all we know is that R won't go full term. We'll start waiting for phone calls mid-February. The call will either be, "We're going to induce on such-and-such day - come on down" or "R's in labor - come on down.")

Shannon and I think about this a lot now, about picking up our baby and slicing through the red tape. We're still figuring it out so it's premature to share details in this blog but, as with everything else, there's a bunch of folks who've gone through it all before us. If it can go wrong, it probably already has and the poor victims/couple are around to give the rest of us a heads-up. In the meantime, we've got the worrying covered with Shannon's nighttime drama.

As the optimist in our humble pair, I sleep like the dead and remember dreams maybe once a month. My recollections, hazy in muted tones, are funky more than anything else - Twin Peaks without the freaky music or backward talking midgets. This doesn't mean I don't have concerns though. Most compelling for me right now are names. We don't know the gender of our baby yet but I'm trying to be a good player and join Shannon to build a short-list. I just can't come up with any boy names. (Girl names haven't been a problem.) They say a person has mastered a language once he/she has dreamed in that language. I'm searching my highly infrequent dreams for names, putting the pressure on my subconscious. I just hope it doesn't have a sense of humor and comes up with something like Adolph.

(Our little one is doing quite well. By our clock we're 18 weeks into the pregnancy with all systems and screenings looking good. A couple weeks ago the ultrasound tech in Mumbai estimated our baby's age at 18 weeks based on various fetal measurements. As we were only 16 weeks along at the time, could this be a sign that there's a giant American baby growing in India? Our delivery date may be creeping up earlier and earlier.)

So How Does It Feel To Be Pregnant?

I am sure I am not alone when I say that when I sit down to put my thoughts on paper (or for this blog), the first thing that comes to mind is that it's still very hard to believe we are pregnant. Because this isn't happening to me or inside MY body, at times it can be a bit out of sight, out of mind. Believe me, it's not that I'm not excited or emotionally invested - I am 100% both of those things!

My sister is also currently pregnant. She and her husband are four months ahead of us and they are due with their first child in mid-November. Unlike me, she is feeling all aspects of the pregnancy - emotional, mental and especially, physical. The sensations that go hand in hand with being pregnant are always with her so she is constantly reminded of its presensce. I can't say I'm jealous; truthfully, some of what she's experiencing I'm happy to take a pass on. However, I can't help but feel a little envy, just as any woman would who wants to carry but is not able to do so.

Geoff and I are now at a point where we're sharing our news with those who haven't been aware of our journey. This puts me into the awkward position of answering the very frequent, "You're pregnant?! Oh great - how are you feeling?" For the most part I'm fine with sharing our special circumstances (to the right people) but it does reinforce the sense of loss I have that it's the surrogate - not me - who is carrying our child and experiencing the actual pregnancy. It's a lot to wrap your head around. Maybe to some it doesn't feel like a big deal. However, when you're living it, it's always in the back of your mind. While I'm over the moon to be pregnant, it's just hard accepting that it's not happening inside my body.

On a much happier note, recent tests show that everything continues to progress well with our pregnancy. Phew! We have a double-marker test coming up so there's never a shortage of things to worry about, but this is no longer about surrogacy, just about going to term. I'm also happy to report that we've conquered the registry gun at Babies R Us and have also splurged with some fun things on a registry at Land of Nod. Next up.....order baby furniture, start nursery decorating and meet with pediatricians, day care providers and the like. Oh, and the name game continues! Currently, Geoff is batting zero while I have a full dugout of names. Agreeing on one might turn out to be harder than this whole surrogacy journey.