A Distant Miracle

My Farewell

2011-10-27T18:15:00.002-04:00

Understandably, you may be asking - "Why haven't they been blogging?" It's no surprise to me that I've delayed writing because I've known this will be my last post, closing the book on a long, emotional but very successful journey. Geoff and I knew when we began this blog that we wanted to limit ourselves to the details of our Indian surrogacy experience. We certainly had no intention of carrying on the blog beyond our child's birth. (All bets are off if there's another child in our future. If so, our supportive readers will be the first to know!)

Before sharing some closing thoughts and photos, I'd love to list just a few of Archer's latest and greatest achievements... Archer is now eight months old! He has two very cute bottom teeth that seem quite content to live without neighbors. Our tiny giant weighs 24.5 lbs. and is 29" long. He's rolling, sitting up on his own and just starting to test the waters for crawling. Archer is a cheerful, happy baby who hardly ever cries or makes much of a fuss. He eats well (boy does he eat!), sleeps well, wakes up smiling, is very alert and aware of his surroundings and has REALLY found his voice. (Our next door neighbors are quite impressed!) For some reason, as much as we tell him to be careful with strangers, he gives more gummy grins than one can imagine, luring in crowds of swooning women. Geoff figures that as a single guy he could have really used Archer well.

I am now a stay-at-home mom and there is not a day that goes by when I don't thank my lucky stars (and my husband) for it. Life with Archer is simply superb and it gets even better each day. When it comes to him, I am complete mush. I never knew I could love someone so much. He tugs on my heartstrings when he is upset and fills my heart with love and happiness the rest of the time. The bond I share with him is one I could not have dreamed of, one I will never forget and one I am eternally grateful for. I'm so, so happy that Geoff and I took a leap of faith together to go through this process. Without a doubt, Archer was worth the wait.

I recently spoke with a couple who is considering the surrogacy route and it was so surreal. Not too long ago, it was Geoff and I on the phone with others who successfully had babies through surrogacy in India and now, we are those parents telling people that dreams DO come true. Archer is everything I could have wanted and more. He is the love of my life (aside from Geoff) and I'm so incredibly thankful that options like surrogacy in India are available. We would love, Love, LOVE to have more children and although there are some bumps in this process, we recommend it to others researching surrogacy. My advice in a nutshell is to research the agencies that are available until you are blue in the face and then speak with others who have gone through the process. Not only are their experiences helpful but they (and now we) will inspire you and bring you hope.

With endless gratitude I'd like to thank Surrogacy India and all of the couples who shared their skills, experiences and insights. Archer would not exist were it not for the patience, honesty and devotion granted to us by all of these wonderful people. And if you're still trying to make this work, still trying to find your own distant miracle - keep your eye on the prize because all I know is that sometimes, with effort and perseverence, dreams do come true! xoxo PS, Keep an eye open for Geoff's final post(s).

Archer & His New Pad

2011-04-11T21:14:00.000-04:00

Could he be any cuter?!?!

PS, Check out the blog entry right before this one (two entries in one night!)

PPS, Keep in mind that you can click on any picture to make it larger

My Social Network

2011-04-11T20:44:00.005-04:00

I know, I know, this is long overdue and for that I do apologize. Life with Archer is phenomenal and we've been busy enjoying each minute we have with him! For being the kind, patient supporters you all are, tonight I'll post two entries and lots of photos!!

At just over seven weeks old, Archer is sleeping longer and even getting used to his crib (although he looks like such an itty bitty thing in it). He's too darn cute! He is also starting to smile, all the while growing like a weed. Or maybe I should be saying he's growing like our house. Why do I say that? Refer to Exhibit A...

I swore I'd never have all of this baby gear but every time I think we're done, something else suddenly feels very important. The latest - a wipes warmer for Archer's tushie. He really doesn't like being changed so I thought if the wipes were warm, perhaps he wouldn't hate it as much. I'm not sure if he's getting used to having his diaper changed or if he likes the warm wipes but it's working! (And, our lovely downstairs neighbor brought up an excellent point - who wouldn't want warm wipes to clean our bottoms?!) Next on my "need list" are toilet paper warmers for the guest bathroom and the master bathroom!

We are privileged because not only did we have an unforgettable baby shower, but we received so many incredible gifts that we haven't had to purchase too much. Our shower was at a beautiful oceanfront inn located in Rockport, MA and several friends and family contributed, truly making it a very special day. The gift side of the dining room overflowed, coupled with the swelling sounds of family and friends and live music from the inn's piano.

The tables were decorated with gorgeous linens

and place cards in the shape of prams.

In the center of each table were large glass cylinder vases topped with flowers and filled with charming baby do-dads, such as hand painted blocks, baby shoes and custom printed onesies...

Who can forget the take home gifts?! Mocha buttercream filled chocolate cupcakes topped with adorable polka dot elephants from an amazing pastry chef.

The view and all of the decor were memorable but nothing can top the sense of genuine happiness that filled the room. Over 50 close friends and family were there and it warms

my heart to know we're so loved.

Archer's cousin, baby Isla in her stunning pink ruffle dress with Nanny, Auntie Shannon and Mommy

We're Home!

2011-03-17T09:00:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the long delay but between jet lag and an immeasurably large mob of family and friends, we've just not had the time or ability to post. The good news - great news! - is that we're home and can now lose sleep in our own house, and not a hotel, like any other couple with a newborn. We have much to share about our last couple of days and will do so soon. For now, however, it's stunning merely to realize we're near the end of the Indian chapter in our lives.

Our pediatrician tells us that Archer is supremely healthy and quite impressed at how our little guy has already grown over 1 pound (to 8 pounds 13 ounces) and 1.5 inches (to 22 inches) in less than a month. Today is his one month birthday and let me tell you, after all we've been through, it's hard to believe Archer's just barely 30 days old.

Our love to everyone out there in the blogosphere for your support during that oh so long stay in Mumbai. Here are some pictures to say thank you. (Clicking on them opens a larger size.)

Just after Archer's first real bath. Sponge baths on Marriott beds don't count!

In his very own Moses basket.

Note the white mitten. Archer's always landing planes with his hands,
even in his sleep, so the mittens keep things soft and safe.

The kind of hat mommies go crazy for.

This is what greeted us at the airport.

And this is what greeted us at the house.

The view outside our house. It's good to be home!

Our Big Break

2011-03-10T11:22:00.000-05:00

Three cheers for Shannon's kidney stones and the pain she's been in for about two months! Thanks to a note faxed by Shannon's physician to the US Consulate about this chronic kidney condition, our appointment was moved up. First it was moved from the 15th to the 11th, a Friday. Nice - better than nothing - but still keeping us here an extra weekend as the passport takes one business day for delivery. Then, magically, a phone call Wednesday asked if we could come in Thursday. Um, yes! The beauty of this last shift is it means we can fly home Friday instead of Monday. Shannon's already put in a cheeseburger order to Five Guys.

Shannon's kidney stones make infrequent but always memorable visits, particularly when she's under a lot of stress. In fact, the last serious bout before this trip to India occurred during the weeks leading up to our wedding. Shannon was literally on bed rest and Vicodin for the week following our I do's. It's a good thing we'd put off a serious honeymoon until later in life because we would have had to cancel it. Anyway, as our return to Mumbai loomed, coupled with the threats of an early delivery due to R's placenta previa, the stones decided to reappear. We typically don't even think to mention the pain because, sadly, it's just something Shannon periodically needs to tolerate until either natural elimination or surgery. But once we heard a medical emergency could expedite our appointment, silence went out the window.

Having just come back from the US Consulate we remain a little dumbfounded about why they limit each day to two Birth Abroad visits. Getting through security took longer than the actual governmental red tape - maybe ninety minutes all told. Certainly, it helped that we had our act together. Here's what was required:

Completed passport and social security applications, no different from applications one would complete in the US
Completed Consulate Report of Birth Abroad (CRBA) form
Copy of the surrogacy agreement we'd signed with R during our first trip to India back in February of last year
Copy of letters from our clinic, Hiranandani Hospital and Babies R Us IVF, all of which attest to our pursuit of surrogacy and the birth of Archer
Two 2" x 2" photos of Archer (we had a photographer come to our hotel room last week to take these photos)
Copy of our passports and marriage certificate
$205

That's it. We handed over the above, waited about 25 minutes, and then - with right hands raised - attested to the fact that Archer was indeed our son and that all the information we'd provided was accurate. Boom! Archer became a US citizen.

The Consulate was, as expected, a bit of a compound, populated with armed, Indian guards inside and out. We had to check in at a non-descript kiosk behind bullet-proof glass and then put up with a fairly extensive bag search that included my tasting of Archer's baby food. Limited to one bag and not allowed to bring in our bottles of hand sanitizer and hand cream (the Consulate's tougher than an airport), we put excess items in a locker and then walked through a metal detector and metal turnstile onto the grounds. It was a short outdoor walk to what appeared to be the main Consulate building, climbing marble stairs into a sterile lobby with doors off in all directions. On the wall was a picture of President Obama - and yes, I couldn't help but feel a bit of pride and place. Shannon and I were buzzed through to a small, heavily air conditioned room filled with straight-backed chairs facing another bullet-proof window. It was with the folks behind this window that we exchanged all of the above paperwork. Throughout the entire experience, all interaction was with locals except for the very end when we were sworn by a young American woman, Christy.

The passport will be available for pickup at 9:30 in the morning tomorrow. The three of us will grab it and then immediately head on over to the Foreigner Regional Registration Office (FRRO) - an Indian agency tasked with doling out, among other things, exit visas. Shannon and I will be enlisting the help of a partner to our surrogacy clinic who specializes in work with the FRRO. We want smooth sailing, no surprises and an exit visa for Archer on the same day. (Technically, exit visas can take anywhere from 1 to 15 days for delivery.) If all goes to plan, we'll be done sometime around lunch with perhaps a little time to spare for a visit to the Colaba markets before our 2pm late check out. We'll be begging for an even later check out as our flight doesn't leave 'til 11:40pm. That's a lot of time to kill.

Cross your fingers. We were able to purchase two aisle seats in an empty three seat middle row. (No bassinet seats were available.) If that middle seat remains empty we'll have a place to put Archer during the 16 hour flight back to the States. Otherwise, we'll be holding him all the way back - a nice capper to a long stay away.

We're ready. You can tell just by watching Shannon. She been skipping, everywhere. She's skipping right now and will do so right until we're seated, buckled in and on our way home.

Random Thoughts While Killing Time

2011-03-08T12:33:00.002-05:00

My hair grows like a weed. This fact isn't normally at the top of my 'share with others' list but I have to mention it because I'm approaching afro stage. We always knew this was a possibility and even took the precaution of a visit to my hairdresser a mere day before our departure to Mumbai. As we enter the uncharted waters of week four and I'm Code Orange for excessive hair, I have to confront one of two options - let it approach comical proportions, only minorly tamed by hair products, or let Shannon grab a pair of scissors and embrace her inner Tabatha Coffey. This decision is further complicated by relationship-bearing overtones. If I go with the 'fro, is it because I have trust issues? If I truly love my wife, particularly on International Women's Day - completely unknown to me until the Mariott Courtyard slipped a card, addressed to my wife, under the door - shouldn't I throw caution to the wind and let her untrained hand give it a go? Me and my mane will sleep on it.

Today we'll be ordering Domino's for dinner. The store's only a three minute walk from the hotel but, as you read in an earlier post, that walk takes one via time warp into an earlier age that screams pizza delivery. The trick is communicating what we want over the phone. Look, we're in India. The fact that most locals speak English at all is such a blessing for an outsider that I remain quite humble and patient in my communications. Nevertheless, I confess to a slight bit of frustration when trying to get past the accent. (Yes, they have the accent - not me!) If I could communicate with Domino's by written word, Shannon and I would be golden. Unfortunately, that's not the case.

Restaurant - "Domino's pizza. [something something] you?
Geoff - "Yes, I'm at the Marriott Courtyard right down the street. I like to order a pizza for delivery, please."
Restaurant - "[something] [something]" that I think sounds like "Small or large?"
Geoff - "What? Sorry. I'm at the Marriott Courtyard."
Restaurant - "Marriott? Ok. Delivery?"
Geoff - "Yes. I'd like one large pizza, half cheese and half sausage."
Restaurant - "Two large sausage pizzas with cheese."
Geoff - "Yes. Absolutely. That's it."

Mind you. The person on the phone is speaking perfectly correct English. I just can't weed through the accent, apparently no better than they can weed through mine.

We're timing our food order so it arrives just as we finish feeding Archer. This process takes about 45 minutes to an hour between waking him up - he almost never wakes himself - changing his diaper, delivering between 3 and 4 ounces of formula, and playing/cuddling with him until he's ready to drop off for another nap. Every step is an absolute joy and characterized by some overly cute maneuver that just floors us. For example, he's got this very rapid 'angry fish caught on a hook' head shaking maneuver - it must be some sort of rooting instinct - when the bottle first goes in his mouth and it makes us laugh every single time. The burps - adorable. The gas - endearing. Those gummy cries - how can you not hug him? Right now Shannon's doing a little Jazzercise with Archer, pumping his legs back and forth. He's this little beeping, grunting and gasping squeeze toy in the midst of a king-size bed that's burrowed his way into our hearts.

Shannon and I are very much an eat-dinner-with-tv-on couple. I think it comes from being married late in life - both of us were in our mid to late thirties and thus had our fair share of home alone meals. Mumbai is no different but this presents a problem. We've already talked about the limited tv options and how frustrating the Web can be. I've managed to make Amazon Instant Video tolerable but we still default to the potluck randomness of India tv. Sometimes we get lucky with quality like Black Hawk Down. Other times we're lucky if Kenya has extended it's innings performance into the ninth hour of it's Cricket World Cup match. On the list of things Shannon and I have learned about India is the fact that there are only five commercials on tv in any given week. You name the commercial, we've seen it about 183 times. You may have wondered why during both trips Shannon and I settle upon a favorite tv ad. It's because there's so few to choose from and so many repetitive viewings that you can't help but enjoy some rarity and despise most. The Mute button on our remote is about to fall off and the inane tunes from a couple of particularly annoying commercials are plaguing us in our sleep. We practically welcome Archer's whimpers.

Time to call Domino's. I'm hopeful that with a couple more orders I'll be able to keep things really simple. "Hi, it's Geoff. The usual please!"

Travel Weary

2011-03-05T05:46:00.000-05:00

It's been twenty days since we left home and I'm just going to come right out and say it - I'm officially homesick. Don't get me wrong, life could be much worse and I fully recognize that some have it much tougher than us. Life with Archer is absolutely wonderful and I wouldn't give up this special bonding time for the three of us for anything. I'm just ready to go home and bond there. I miss my favorite foods, our washer and dryer, the salty smell of the ocean, cooking in our kitchen, our beautiful house, driving my car, the snow covered trees and our amazing friends and family. We're dying to show this little guy off and to introduce him to everyone who has been so supportive!

While up at all hours of the night, we find ourselves channel surfing for some show/movie other than those we've already watched multiple times in India. We have the streaming option using our laptop, but when we're feeding Archer at 3am, setting up the laptop is by no means a priority. We have a few more English language channels in the hotel (approximately 10), but that has not proven to be much better than the hospital. Honestly, I can only handle so many reruns of Friends from the 1990's, the same Indian commercials that they run not once, but two - three times at EACH commercial break, the same Animal Planet episodes of animals fornicating and I can only handle watching fossilized movies such as Junior, Throw Mama From the Train and Rush Hour a maximum of three times in my life - let alone in one trip. Just like our last trip though, we have a favorite Indian commercial that does manage to make us both chuckle every time we see it. It's for Virgin Mobile - an Indian cell phone company - and the commercial is a guy intentionally angering his girlfriend off so that she'll dump him because he wants out. His rooster dance at the end is funny - or at least we think so. You'll find it here.

The hotel staff are nothing short of amazing with us and they love Archer. While there is a plethora of International food options at the hotel, there are also American-ized options and believe me when I tell you, I've exhausted them all. If I don't see a club sandwich or flatbread pizza for years to come, it will be too soon. We've become friendly with a few of the chefs and I've begun inventing my own dishes, but even that is getting old. Along with being tired of the options, I'm now correlating the food with being in a place I no longer want to be and therefore I don't have much of an appetite for any of it anymore. What I would give for a big salad from the Cheesecake Factory, a fat steak from the Capital Grille, a Boston Creme donut from Dunkin Donuts, a burger from Five Guys and a cold margarita from On the Border! If only clicking my heels and chanting "there is no place like home" would get us someplace other than the Courtyard Marriot in Mumbai...

A couple updates to report....Archer's pediatrician appointment went well this week and he is now a half pound heavier. He also had a Hepatitis B vaccination and took it much better than I would have. He's been a bit fussy since, which is not normal for him, but he seems to be shaking it off like a champ. That's my boy! The US Consulate has been in touch with us and there is a possibility our appointment will be moved up to next week. Fingers crossed and we'll elaborate more on that in future posts.

I shall leave you with some newer pictures for your viewing pleasure....

Dr. Yash with Dr. Sudhir holding Archer

Hotel Life

2011-03-02T10:46:00.000-05:00

Like most modern hotels in Mumbai - and, I suppose, throughout India - the Marriott Courtyard looks very out of place amongst a dense tangle of aged, sooty, low-to mid-sized store fronts and buildings. An oasis, just getting onto the Marriott grounds by car requires a thorough search by a bomb-sniffing dog and two security guards poking about the hood and trunk - and that's before the metal detector fronting the lobby. The streets just outside the grounds are another world and fairly intimidating. They're thronged with speeding tuk-tuks, garish trucks the length of a scooter but two stories tall, Ford Figos, Chevy Sparks, Toyota Innovas and a swarm of locals on foot. The men wear slacks and a button down long sleeved shirt; the women wear saris. A good portion of these people, let's face it, just look dirty, like street people. In many cases they are dirty and likely live on or close to the street. I'll be honest - leaving the hotel to walk those streets feels risky.

The reality is that the majority of these folks could care less about you and those who do are only interested in giving you a smile or a brief "Namaste". Walk into any of these seemingly decrepit businesses and you encounter well-dressed professionals with a good grasp of English and a work ethic putting most of us to shame. The poverty here is so rampant it's inescapable. The streets are covered in grime and refuse, the needy crowd every street corner, but the locals are used to it and spend little time judging it. It's just how things are. The high and low born mix together so neatly, they're inseparable. It's a crazy, high energy Indian stew that's worked for centuries. We're just another bunch of outsiders passing through who, other than having an atypical height and skin color, are not particularly interesting.

The staff in our hotel can't be friendly enough and gather about little Archer whenever the three of us head down to the restaurant off the lobby. We time these trips to correspond with Archer's naps so the staff are continually frustrated with closed eyes and an unresponsive little cutie. The lobby is quite expansive and modern-looking, giving off a pleasant, well-scented, business professional vibe. The smoggy smell so familiar to us at the Novotel is still outside though less pronounced here in the city center. Our room is thankfully spared the smell entirely, letting in - through a floor to ceiling window - only a brightly lit view of the pool, construction sites and a vast urban landscape.

We have been provided with a microwave and electric teapot - our bottle sterilizer and bottle warmer, respectively - so the room is fairly self-sufficient. We have most meals brought to the room just because it's easier so we keep a stack of 100 ruppee bills (about $2.25) for tips. Archer spends his days in our arms or on the bed. To give the room service crew access, Shannon and I will take Archer to the exec lounge - we managed to get ourselves on the Exec floor - which is air conditioned enough to store beef for days but offers free drinks and tea biscuits so we can call it even. We even think of this lounge as our escape hatch should Archer get inconsolably crabby at 3 in the morning. Our neighbors didn't pay good money to be awoken by even the cutest of babies - which, of course, he is.

Surely news to my American friends and family, the cricket world cup is underway with, no kidding, India top ranked. Most days are fairly open ended for us so I've had lots of time to become a cricket "fan" and actually follow along with these eight hour matches. (The quotes mean no, not really, I'm no fan. But hey, sports are sports.) Otherwise, Shannon and I do some reading and have learned to tolerate the very random and often disappointing selection of English-language movies on the tv. As a treat we bundle up Archer and take him down to the pool for some time under an umbrella. Or we search high and low for a bag of Lays potato chips which, for some reason, represent home as well as anything for Shannon.

I'd mentioned in an earlier post my efforts to figure out a way to stream Netflix and Hulu to my laptop here in Mumbai. The good news is I solved the problem. We're using proXPN. Another option is IAPS. The bad news is that the streaming bit rate from the US to India is so slow that Netflix is completely unwatchable - the video endlessly freezes - while Hulu is tolerable but also a trier of patience. It's possible that some company can help compensate for this sluggishness but I've yet to find them.

This is our one room home. We've yet to figure out a way to move our US Consulate visit earlier than the 15th of March, far longer a stay than we'd anticipated. Assuming we can't move that date up, figure another three to five days to physically get a passport in hand and then another day or two to get Archer's exit visa. All told, we may not be out of India until around the 20th. That's over one month in India, nothing compared to the length of time suffered by some of our European blogosphere friends but still a struggle. We'd love to introduce Archer to his own home, not this borrowed one.

And introduce him - through scent, anyway - to a chicken parmesan sub which sounds abso-friggin-lutely fantastic right about now.

Hospital Survival Info

2011-02-26T03:32:00.001-05:00

As a follow up to Geoff's last post, I wanted to share some very important information - "Shannon & Geoff's Hiranandani Hospital Survival Guide" - for other intended parents that will soon be staying at the this birthing hospital.

For those that don't know, Hiranandani Hospital is not a shabby place and has an excellent reputation. It's known as an upscale hospital throughout Asia and although we refer to it as a birthing hospital, it is in fact a full service hospital. This happens to be the hospital that our agency - along with several other surrogacy agencies - works with as it accepts the legality and morality of surrogacy (unlike Lilavati Hospital, for example). There are different grades of rooms from which we were able to choose at check in. It's pretty straight forward - they shared a chart showing the type of room, what floor it's located on and the associated cost. We were able to visit any empty rooms/suites with security and I'd highly recommend doing so. We opted for a deluxe suite on the 12th floor, which is a newly renovated floor. Once we made our room selection, a full deposit was required upon check in and included in that fee is a guesstimate of medical costs as well as three meals a day. The nightly cost for this suite is currently 7,500 Rupees - the equivalent to $165.17 USD. Outstanding balances must be paid in full upon discharge.

Our suite had two rooms separated by pocket doors. On one side was a sitting area, kitchenette and full bathroom while, on the other, a second full bathroom, a hospital bed and a chaise lounge we easily used as a second bed. Flat screen TVs and DVD players were located on both sides of the suite. Finally, this room came with a microwave, refrigerator, sink and a very sweet nursing staff who took excellent care of Archer. See pictures below...

Just like our last trip to India, we packed some food and snacks, but this time we packed a little differently for obvious reasons. Not that any hospital has good food service but I can honestly say the food service was horrific and sparse - and that's sugarcoating. (please keep in mind that this is our experience and others may very well disagree!) There was no rhyme or reason when meals were delivered and when they were, they were often minimal and inedible. Geoff can choke down anything whereas there was not one meal that I ate even 50% of. I mostly ate microwave popcorn, peanut butter crackers and stale toast. The meals of champions!

Without further ado - Shannon & Geoff's Hiranandani Hospital Survival Guide. (Apologies to those for whom this does not apply!) Aside from clothes and everything baby....

Snacks - lots of them! Microwave popcorn especially!
Nuts, peanut butter and anything with protein that you can travel with
We'd recommend stopping at a local grocery store and picking up some bread and jelly to make PB&Js
Juice boxes and/or powdered gatorade/lemonade
All toiletries
Outlet converters for each plug
Hair dryer (for those that need one)
Slippers/flip flops
Hand soap
Disinfectant wipes and spray
Room air freshener
Bottle brushes, antibacterial soap, sponge
Antibacterial gel
DVDs (there were only 3 channels that had English language movies/shows and they repeat them over and over and over and over and over)
Medela micro-steam bags for sanitizing baby bottles and bottle parts (I love these things and each bag gets 20 uses)
Diapers (the hospital only uses a padded hospital chuck)
Swaddling and receiving blankets (the hospital only has sheets and they're rough)
Pacifiers or soothies (the hospital does not provide any)
Formula - only if you do not want to use the hospital's formula or you are not breast feeding (the hospital provides an Indian brand of formula called NAN)

Things to expect & things to do -

The nursing staff are truly great and will assist you in anyway - either fully hands-on or second to the parents, but you should set the tone
There will be a parade of people who come through your room each day at all hours regardless of whether or not they're invited (nurses, residents, pediatricians, senior level management, housekeeping, nursing assistants, food service...)
A variety of hospital staff will be picking up your child, so get used to it
If your child is in the NICU, it is a very sterile environment and there are always nurses in the NICU. You will need passports to get in and out of the NICU each time
If interested in having Internet access, ask for a user name and password right away
Construction is taking place all over the hospital and can be disruptive at times
When in doubt or if you don't understand exactly, ask to have it explained
Security is at each outside exit and is present in the lobby, on each floor, at each elevator and especially more visible at high risk areas, such as the NICU
It's not necessary, but we'd recommend bringing a gift to give the nurses at the end of your stay (chocolates or candy or something small) Note, flowers and balloons are not allowed in the hospital.

Any questions on what you should/shouldn't be packing, feel free to email us and we're happy to help!

And.... We're Back

2011-02-24T07:06:00.003-05:00

Lack of Internet access at the hospital and lack of sleep kind of puts a damper on blog posting. As you can imagine, we've got a lot to talk about. Most importantly, Archer has done extremely well since his release from the NICU - well, aside from some constipation that's par for the course. He's already taken to a routine quite well (or tricked us nicely) and has only gone through one scare-the-hell-out-of-mom-and-dad crying jag. (It occurred while Archer was in our care at the hospital. In retrospect it was probably a bout of gas but at the time we were convinced something life threatening had descended to take him away.)

Babies are required to remain in the hospital for a minimum of three days for jaundice observation. Archer spent two nights in the NICU so Shannon and I anticipated one full day with him in the hospital suite we would move into until his discharge. The timing of our move into the hospital was lousy. Although Archer was available to us Saturday morning, we delayed pickup to the afternoon so Shannon could have a few more nap-time hours to kill off her lousy cold. After checking in, settling down and taking possession of our beautiful baby, the clock had moved past 5pm, leaving us without an IT department to provide us with network access. Worse, the same IT department was closed Sunday.

Come Monday we figured we'd just wait until our return to the hotel. Unfortunately, our local pediatrician asked that we stay in the hospital an additional day to monitor Archer as his antibiotics were finally discontinued. To keep our family from thinking the worst - all we'd done since moving into the hospital was spend a few expensive minutes on our mobile phones - we finally got ourselves access to the Internet and Skyped. Once we returned to our hotel room on Tuesday we did what we could to get photos up for all of you to see. Actually writing complete sentences and coherent thoughts had to wait as we adjusted to life with an infant.

The big picture of our life with Archer has been pretty much by the book - you know, baby setting the schedule, no sleep for anyone but the baby, excitement about all poop found in a diaper, etc. (It's true. Shannon and I have actually cheered when opening a diaper and finding something that, a week ago, would have given me nightmares.) What's special are the little idiosyncrasies that make Archer who he is. Like how frequently he lifts his legs really high and bends them when swaddled. Or how he's a champion hiccupper and sneezer. (We witnessed eight sneezes in a row the other day. It's something we track now. "Let's go Archer. Eight is the high score!") Or how he loves to be carried very upright, pressed to our chest. Shannon's so in love that she has to keep stopping herself from kissing his face off.

Earlier today - Thursday - we were told that R has recovered extremely well and may, in fact, be going home. This is amazingly good news as things looked dire soon after delivery. Officially, Hiranandani no longer permits intended parents to visit their carriers and surrogates so we've yet to see R. What we'll end up doing is see her at the Surrogacy India clinic as we wrap up loose ends. The clinic won't permit her to see the baby so during the visit one of us will stay with Archer in a separate room. We have so much to thank R for.... We brought her a few tokens of our appreciation including a necklace with two charms, each printed with the name of one of her sons. We'll know more about this upcoming visit later this evening as Drs. Yash and Sudhir are coming to the Marriott to finally meet Archer.

In my original draft of this entry I'd put down a few more paragraphs. When my wife/editor saw the length of this entry she advised I split it into more than one to spare our audience blog fatigue. Consider it done. I'll see you in a later entry.

Archer says hello!

Our Distant Miracle

2011-02-22T20:20:00.001-05:00

Recovery Time

2011-02-18T12:06:00.001-05:00

Seems we've all needed a little recovery this day after Archer's birth. Born at 11pm on Thursday the 17th, he was kept in the NICU throughout Friday for further observation. Hospital rules dictate that Shannon ("the mother") is able to visit Archer throughout the day while I ("the father") am only permitted a visit in the afternoon between 5pm and 7pm. During the morning visit Shannon found the oxygen hood in place, a feeding tube through his nose and an IV; this afternoon visit found the hood removed - good sign - but with the tubes still in place. We're told all is going to plan and that tomorrow - Saturday - the pediatrician will begin to wean Archer onto a bottle.

You can blame me for no pictures. I just don't care to distribute photos of our baby hooded, tubed and IV'd. That said, we're hopeful that by tomorrow afternoon we can give folks an unimpeded view of our little one. All I can objectively relate is that he is easily the cutest baby born in the last century. Objectively speaking. He's certainly looking healthy enough. Surrounded by premature Indian babies struggling to achieve three pounds, Archer stands out like a very pink giant. Upon walking into the NICU for the first time I couldn't help but turn to Shannon, point to the huge Caucasian baby and say, "I'm guessing that one is ours."

Shannon and I hardly slept Thursday night. I got away with it but Shannon's cold relapsed and she struggled to finish the day. We're going to play Saturday morning's visit be ear. I may go alone and take on the role of mother so Shannon has additional time to recover while sparing the NICU a cold flown over from Boston. Our hope is that Archer is deemed ready to leave the NICU by Saturday afternoon so he can shack up with mom and dad full time. If so, Shannon will join us and we'll move into a hospital room until Archer finishes the observation required by India law. (We were told the law requires three days of observation before release. What's not clear is if days in the NICU count. I'm guessing not; we'll know tomorrow.)

Regrettably, no word about R today. We'll assume no news is good news but that'll be solace for only so long. We didn't have a translator with us during visiting hours so even if we could have seen her we'd have had no way to communicate. Very frustrating.

There's more to relate from that packed Thursday night but it'll have to wait for a later post. Shannon's snoring away and I'm fading fast. Our last night of uninterrupted sleep? Let's hope so!

Ladies and Gentlemen - Archer Shay!

2011-02-17T14:45:00.005-05:00

We had just pushed the Publish button for our previous post when the hotel phone rang and Drs. Sudhir and Yash informed us that R had started to bleed again due to the previa. A C-section was underway and we were to expect a car in 15 minutes.

R managed to hold on for many weeks after the first bleed and for that we will be forever grateful. She remains in the hospital recovering from a significant amount of blood loss; her husband met us there, handling his own personal stress and concern gracefully as he congratulated us on our little one.

Archer Shay is 7.25 pounds and a "male boy" according to the birthing doctor. We still don't know his length, time of birth, etc. for various reasons - some serious, some funny - but we'll fill you in on details tomorrow. He's staying in the NICU overnight with oxygen and an IV but we were told there's no reason he shouldn't be able to leave the NICU and join us full time by tomorrow afternoon. He was wide awake when we finally saw him, calm as a cucumber and - can you believe it - his name suits him!

No pictures yet. We were only able to see him for about five minutes and that was while wearing a full gown, hairnet and mask. We'll go back at 9am and we can't wait! I'll be able to sleep tonight - YEAH RIGHT!

We did it!

Settled In

2011-02-17T11:58:00.000-05:00

After watching three movies (four for Geoff), catching up on some reading and snoozing a bit, our 14 hour flight was over before we knew it and our arrival Tuesday evening was a-okay. It was as if we never left - the city was lit up like a Christmas tree, the air was warm and muggy, tiny cars, motorcycles and tuks tuks zoomed in all directions and everywhere you looked the streets and sidewalks were filled with loads of people and animals.

I had high hopes for the Courtyard Marriott and our first impression was very good. The lobby and main restaurant are quite lovely, but once beyond the lobby, the hallways and rooms are average at best and - as a clean freak (and expectant mother!) - it's hard to believe this hotel is only two years old. I completely forgot to pack disinfectant cleaner and a diffuser or air-freshener, definitely needed to fight that unpleasant smell constantly wafting throughout the city air. Higher end hotels here in Mumbai pipe in some kind of refreshing aromatic (cucumber water, lavender, incense, citrus....) so guests can quickly forget about the city smell. It appears the Courtyard Marriott does not. Every now and then I can't help but pine for the Novotel, which I loved, but I understand it is much more expensive and we'd be burning through money during this multi-week stay. Our fingers have been crossed that we'd be in and out of India within 2-3 weeks max; however, we are now a bit concerned that might be impossible. While at Hiranandani Hospital yesterday, Geoff met another Surrogacy India couple who, having just welcomed twins into the world, discovered that the waiting list for an appointment at the U.S. Consulate was four weeks long. This sure wasn't news I wanted to hear. Agh!

Our stay thus far has been fairly boring and uneventful. I managed to pick up a cold the day before leaving Boston and, combined with jet lag, it did its worst to me on Wednesday. I was in no shape to be out and about so I spent the day in bed pumping myself with cold meds and vitamin C. Geoff went off without me to the birthing hospital for an appointment with a hospital social worker. Aside from learning about the Consulate waiting list, he gained little from the meeting. We'd hoped to begin preparation of all the necessary paperwork but Geoff learned only upon arrival that this could only be done on the day of the birth. As during our first trip to India, this process hasn't come off as a well-oiled machine.

If you need further proof - today (Thursday), we were scheduled to visit R with one of the SI staff. Awaiting a taxi to take us to the hospital at 4:30pm, we received a call at 1:30pm telling us the visit was cancelled. The birthing hospital just developed the policy that intended parents are no longer allowed to visit their carriers except on the day of delivery. SI told us that we still had an opportunity to visit R by not telling anyone at the hospital who we were actually visiting, but it didn't seem sensible to risk rule breaking and angering the staff. We made sure R was told that we were here and wanted to see her, but were kept away.

The silver lining for us - tomorrow is delivery day!!! We've just found out (7:15pm our time) that we are to be at the hospital tomorrow at 2pm (or 3:30am back in Boston) for R's C-section. (The actual timing of the C-section is TBD, of course). We're given our room at the hospital following our baby's birth so we'll be bringing some of our belongings with us. If the baby is healthy and needs minimal time (if any) in the NICU, we could be back at the Marriott in just a couple days.

The next time you hear from us, we hope to have wonderful news to share!

Mumbai Bound

2011-02-14T18:37:00.001-05:00

It's Monday, about 6:30pm, and we're back in Newark International Airport, killing time 'til our flight to Mumbai. Seated in the exact same area as during our first trip, Shannon and I have made the requisite phone calls and are now just tidying loose ends before grabbing a bite.

In situations like these, when the long awaited, long hoped for whatever is actually happening, one tends to think, wow, it was only yesterday that we first started down this path. Well we've got news for you. It seems like FOREVER ago that we made our first trip to India. Waking up this morning with an 'it's about time' moment, Shannon and I couldn't help but feel this trip has been a long time coming. Then reality hits. Life didn't owe us a baby. This whole experience has been a privilege that appears to be ending on the ultimate of high notes. We should be forever grateful. We absolutely are.

As we've told our nieces and nephews, the stork doesn't always make it to a mommy and daddy's house. Sometime the stork is diverted to India. We're off to meet him.

See you in India. And happy Valentine's Day!

Month of Lasts

2011-02-11T14:36:00.030-05:00

After years of hearing others say it - "Wait 'til you have your own children. Your life will change!" - Shannon and I are less than one week from the change. We still don't know the sex of our baby and have no assurances of his/her general health and well being, but one way or the other we've got a baby on our hands in less time than it takes to send a letter to Mumbai by regular post.

Yesterday was our last work day without a child. Thursday night was our last American Idol while seated on our own couch without a child. We're currently in the midst of our last weekend without a child. Sunday is the last 24 hours I'll ever have to goof off irresponsibly without consideration for a child. And so on....

We've been spared another scare as R has gone above and beyond, confined to bed in a hospital for over three weeks now, bearing up with the discomfort and dislocation. This bonus time has allowed us to reach the point where we don't fear being unprepared. Like Santa before his big day, we've checked our lists twice and feel fairly confident that we're ready for the predictable and unpredictable.

Folks have asked how long we think we'll be out there. Heck, even Shannon's asked about twenty or so times! The fact is there's just no way to know; there's too many assumings. Assuming the baby is born on the 18th and assuming he/she is healthy and requires minimal if any stay in the NICU and assuming all of our paperwork is in order and assuming we hit no red tape speed bumps THEN we're thinking ten days to two weeks would be the optimistic ideal. Don't tell this to anybody from Europe or elsewhere because their hurdles are much steeper than for us US-based folks. UK-based blogosphere friends of ours required over EIGHT WEEKS to get things in order. We keep telling ourselves ten days to two weeks but have mentally prepared ourselves for up to a month. Beyond that .... well, like it makes a difference. We're going to hang around as long as is necessary. As Shannon jokes, if the expenses keep mounting, we'll just have to work a corner. What do politicians say? Do it for the children!

For the sake of sanity over such an extended stay - and in anticipation of sleepless days and nights - we've focused on addressing two issues: comfort food and tv/movie entertainment. On the food front we're packing nutritious essentials such as, for Geoff, Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls & Peanut M&Ms / for Shannon, microwave popcorn & gummi bears. For tv/movies it's trickier. US sites like Neflix and Hulu prevent overseas video streaming, meaning that attempts to access those sites from India will fail with a "Sorry but you're not allowed to watch" rejection. I believe I've found a workaround but I can't tell for sure until we're actually out there. If it works, I'll let you know.

Our destination is the Marriott Courtyard, a supposed hotspot for intended parents nestled in the heart of Mumbai. In India, such nestling pretty much means we're not taking our little one out for any walks beyond the perimeter. The hotel does have a pool, however, so we'll be able to escape the confines without having to dodge tuk-tuks. This fairly new hotel has made itself amenable to expectant parents - e.g. microwaves and cribs are available - and is closely situated to the birthing hospital. Interestingly, like most intended parents, Shannon and I will actually be spending a night or two in the hospital itself following our baby's birth. It's a nice perk allowing us to stay close by until our little one is ready to leave. We'll just hang on to our Mariott room, going back-and-forth if (heaven forbid) our hospital stay stretches a bit.

We're ready for this all to be over but can't shake the nerves that come from dealing with the unknown. Look, it's just odd to have never actually seen or felt the pregnancy in person. It's all been emails and photographs. We're pregnant but haven't had the slow dawning realization of this fact provided by a patiently growing belly standing at your side - or above your belt - for nine months. No morning sickness, no kicks, no strangers putting their hands all over Shannon. Well, not that I know of..... It's still a little academic so we can't help but ask - are we really ready?

Less than one week from now we'll be asking ourselves that question for the last time. Slowly but surely, we're running out of lasts.

Almost Packed, Almost There

2011-02-09T22:45:00.001-05:00

I know, I know, I haven't been very good at blogging lately and for that, I apologize. Time is simply flying by and the past few months have been filled with the holidays, settling into our new place, prepping for the baby's arrival, work and spending time with family and friends. My baby shower was a wonderful day and I promise to post soon about that. Until then, I have some happy things to report....

1. We leave Monday for Mumbai
2. R is stable and hanging in there like a champ
3. Baby is doing well and growing by the second
4. Unless things change (you never know!), we are having a baby on Friday, February 18th!

I know one thing is for sure when we leave on Monday, that will be one heavy plane...

1 lillebaby Eurotote
12 short sleeve onesies
2 long sleeve onesies
4 long sleeve shirts
8 gowns
9 one piece sleep & play outfits
7 hats
5 pairs of socks
1 pair of mittens
2 cotton swaddlers
5 swaddling blankets
3 fluffy cuddling blankets
273 diapers
360 wipes (and all of the fixins)
1 flannel changing pad
26 hospital chux
6 pacifiers
6 bottles
5 sterilizing bags
2 bottle brushes
1 formula dispenser
3 2.5lb. formula containers
18 burb cloths

I told Geoff he could bring A toothbrush :)

Near Miss

2011-01-25T10:10:00.000-05:00

A 2am phone call this past Tuesday shot Shannon to the ceiling. Unclawing herself, she dropped to our bed, grabbed the phone and shoveled it in my direction. Spying an Indian number on the Caller ID, I put the call on speakerphone and wished Dr. Sudhir a good afternoon (his time), trying to conjure positive reasons for such a late night call.

Dr. Sudhir soberly told us he'd been trying to reach Shannon and I for some time - turns out they were calling our cell phones, stupidly left to recharge in the next room. Now that he had us, here's Dr. Yash..... The classic but feared symptom of placenta previa had reared its ugly head. R had hemorrhaged an hour or two earlier. The bleeding, which had stopped on its own accord, wasn't life threatening in and of itself but threatened a more significant bleed that could endanger both R and our baby. Bottom line, one more bleed and a C-section would be started immediately.

R was put on 24-7 bed rest at our birthing hospital, Hiranandani, and would be cared for by Dr. Soni, the doctor who was to be our OBGYN. A doppler told the doctors that our baby was no worse for wear and, hopefully, totally ignorant of what had happened just an inch or two away. Just in case, steroids had been administered to accelerate lung development. Our local fertility doctor confirmed that India acted perfectly by the book, believing R was well cared for. Of even greater comfort was his belief that having now reached the 33rd week - and achieving an (albeit guesstimate) jolly weight of over 5 pounds - our baby would likely come through this premature birth unscathed. Maybe a little siesta in the NICU but that was about it.

Shannon and I have had a few days to process the news and begin the rationalization thing. The baby's fine, R is fine, the doctors are on top of things. As for the stuff we can control, it was time to get ready for a midnight call telling us to get on the next flight to Mumbai. The baby shower (whose story Shannon will share here) left us in fantastic shape. With a little more shopping this past weekend we're now well equipped for a three week trip to India. The only thing we couldn't pick up was a talisman that could keep everyone healthy and delay our baby's delivery 'til he/she is fully out of the woods.

Here's something that in retrospect makes sense but had never occurred to either Shannon or myself nor was never made clear by our clinic. Now that R has been admitted to the hospital, we have no right to her medical information. Medical privacy! Could we ask R to share her information? Sure, if we could speak Hindi. How about the fact that it's our baby in there? Well, surrogacy is not recognized by Indian health privacy laws, laws deeply respected even (rightfully) by our doctors at SI. Of course, we're kept up to date through generalities - R is good, the baby is fine - but that's as far as it goes. As long as all goes well, such generalities are enough. If things turn badly, well, our baby's on the way out and that's our business!

Our cell phones are by our bed and Continental Airlines is on speed dial. We very much hope for two to three more weeks of cooking time but our bags are packed.

Shower Day!

2011-01-09T16:21:00.000-05:00

Shannon and her closest friends are in the midst of celebrating the impending birth of our first baby. My dad and I made an early appearance to work the receiving line before disappearing amidst hors d'oeuvres and wine glasses. What a beautiful sight. An amazing, positive vibe flowed through the room, smiling faces everywhere.

Unbeknowst to me, we're having triplets. I can only assume this is the case because there was a giant pile of gifts given to us by our amazing friends.

We love all of you for your support and friendship. Enjoy the party!

Great Timing

2011-01-06T23:43:00.001-05:00

The Fates decided that Shannon and I needed a few more items on our plate. Do I mean the headache of a lottery win or the hardship of a free vacation to Bali? Unfortunately, no. I'm talking about the always fun move to a new home. To be fair, we could have put this off for a few months, but the thought of strapping on our newborn so we could pack everything we own into boxes, followed by the big unload in a new place, well, that seemed a recipe for disaster. So the past 45 days or so have been dedicated to getting our move started and finished pronto.

I'm guessing records aren't kept about the time elapsed from the moving van's departure to saying, "You mean there's nothing left to unpack, put away, arrange, hang on the wall, repaint, put on Craigslist, donate, leave on the curb or bring to the basement?!?!" It may be just as well because our ownership of that record would be so firm that Guiness would have to rename it in our honor. I was a bit player: carry-the-box and hang-the-shelf guy. Left to my own devices, this move would have taken a year and a half to complete. However, I've got Shannon on my team. She's been a hurricane of activity, a hurricane leaving neatness and order in its wake. I can honestly say I've lived in the presence of greatness. To help you know it when you see it: Greatness works until midnight every day, has Platinum frequent flier status with Target, Home Depot and Home Goods, and has mood swings to beat the band.

Ask Shannon. If we never move again, it'll be too soon.

As for India, we actually have a lot to share and one blog entry won't cut it. Most importantly, our carrier's complete placenta previa has yet to improve. (Recall that placenta previa is a condition in which the placenta blocks the exit. By saying our condition is 'complete' we mean the exit is completely blocked, making a C-section mandatory.) As a result, we're starting to gear up for a proactive Week 37 delivery. Not ideal. That 37th week is the one during which a baby's i's are dotted and t's crossed. If only we could make it to the 38th week - that's bonus time.... Of course, the carrier's health takes precedence so when it's time, it's time.

The 37th week begins on February 15 so Shannon and I have booked a flight leaving Boston on the 14th. Yep, Valentine's Day. A nice coincidence. I'm hopeful we'll be changing that departure date 'til later in the week because that will mean the pregnancy has been allowed to progress a bit farther. However, to ensure we have good seats - and, in particular, to ensure we have bulkhead seats with bassinette access for the trip back to Boston - we didn't want to wait any longer.

We'll have another blog entry soon to share more details about the planning of our return. In the meantime, I need to run downstairs. I'm typing this entry at 11:30pm and Shannon - Hurricane Greatness - is still at it. It's not yet midnight, we've got our baby shower in three days and there's lots to do. Like I said, a full plate!

Flock Behavior

2010-12-03T23:18:00.001-05:00

A first-time mamma bird turns to her older friend, the mother of a whole flock of chicks, and asks, "So, Baby Bjorn, Ergo, Maya Wrap or Didymos sling?"

Ok, that never happened (as far as I know) but I've been party to a whole bunch of conversations along those lines. It's overwhelming. Frankly, how can I even be expected to have an opinion? I don't know about other first time dads but I've never had to comparison shop Moses baskets before. My fallback solution is to lean on Google search, digging up opinions and reading with a critical eye. That and to page through an absolutely excellent shopping guide, Baby Bargains. But at the end of the day, who knows?

Every friend of ours with little ones has advice, of course, and those opinions range all over the map. Invariably, multiple moms with perfectly happy children will tell us, in no uncertain terms, that we should absolutely do x and not do y - where x and y are completely different from one mom to the next. I tend to listen more to those moms (and dads) who share my temperament. In general, I'm not a worrier and don't need things under 24x7 control so I'm open to advice from folks with the same roll-with-it attitude. And anecdotal evidence doesn't impress me. It's like diets. Each weight-loss success story claims their diet is the best when, in fact, all we really know is what worked for that one person. No two babies are the same either but in general they're much more resilient than the typical modern family seems to gives them credit for.

Ah yes, I know. Wait 'til you have a baby, you're thinking. And sure, I won't be handing our infant a house key and cell phone for at least a few months. However, from my sheltered pre-baby perch, I'm thinking healthy infants are far less dependent on how we handle the minutiae of parenthood. Worrying too much about this stuff is for the birds!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Recently the mailman dropped off a DVD carrying our latest ultrasound. Reports from India have been consistently positive but having something - anything - to look at gives us great satisfaction. The experience is very much like cloud gazing. "What's that look like?" "A school bus!" For some reason Shannon saw a hundred different penises although, of course, we haven't a clue. We did get one good look at our baby's face though. Seems our little one's having a pretty good time in there!

Proud Auntie

2010-11-08T12:00:00.000-05:00

I am very proud to say that I am an auntie!

Baby Isla was born on October 31st and is a beautiful baby girl. I had the amazing pleasure of being by my sister's side during Isla's delivery and this is something that I'll never forget. Watching little Isla take her first breaths in the world was momentous. Now my little niece is an eating and pooping machine!

Being around Isla has really made me realize that in only 3-4 months, we too will have a little one to swoon over. Holy moly, only 3-4 more months - wow! Time is flying by and November, December and January will be jam-packed months for us. Not only are we moving in December but we will be going through IVF again here in the states. As I get older I'm producing fewer eggs so we think it's best to freeze embryos in case we ever want/can try again. We met with our local fertility doctor this past Friday and the wheels are now in motion. If all goes as planned, we'll have another round of IVF under our belt before leaving for India.

Next step in our preparations for returning to Mumbai is finding and reserving our hotel. We favor the Novotel because we loved it so much, but we're also researching other options as well.

Dream Job

2010-10-18T22:46:00.004-04:00

Shannon's upstairs, in bed, sensibly getting a good night's rest to fight a nagging head cold that kept her home from work today. Just before she turned in, the two of us sat together and talked about a dream she had the previous night. Shannon has a lot of dreams. Glossy, high color affairs that tend towards the dramatic and downright dangerous. Normally, my first question upon learning of a new dream is whether she was shooting the semi-automatic, running from the shooter or both. This time the dream was a bit more traditional, the naked-in-the-classroom kind. She and I were in India to pick up our baby, completely unprepared for departure. No idea how to get the birth certificate, visa, passport, social security number.....

It wouldn't be surrogacy in India without something nontraditional to worry about.

Sometimes Shannon and I receive questions about our experience and its implications that, well, let's just say folks haven't thought it through. "Ok. Shannon's egg, your sperm, an Indian carrier. Got it. So your baby could look Indian, huh?" Nope. As my father pointed out on one such occasion, cakes don't look like the oven. Other times, however, the questions we come across are well founded. "Will your baby have Indian citizenship?" (No.) "Do you need to take DNA tests to prove maternity and paternity?" (Used to but, apparently, no longer necessary. Possession of complete documentation detailing the process in chronological order suffices.) "How will you know when to go back for the pickup?" (We won't. As Shannon shared, all we know is that R won't go full term. We'll start waiting for phone calls mid-February. The call will either be, "We're going to induce on such-and-such day - come on down" or "R's in labor - come on down.")

Shannon and I think about this a lot now, about picking up our baby and slicing through the red tape. We're still figuring it out so it's premature to share details in this blog but, as with everything else, there's a bunch of folks who've gone through it all before us. If it can go wrong, it probably already has and the poor victims/couple are around to give the rest of us a heads-up. In the meantime, we've got the worrying covered with Shannon's nighttime drama.

As the optimist in our humble pair, I sleep like the dead and remember dreams maybe once a month. My recollections, hazy in muted tones, are funky more than anything else - Twin Peaks without the freaky music or backward talking midgets. This doesn't mean I don't have concerns though. Most compelling for me right now are names. We don't know the gender of our baby yet but I'm trying to be a good player and join Shannon to build a short-list. I just can't come up with any boy names. (Girl names haven't been a problem.) They say a person has mastered a language once he/she has dreamed in that language. I'm searching my highly infrequent dreams for names, putting the pressure on my subconscious. I just hope it doesn't have a sense of humor and comes up with something like Adolph.

(Our little one is doing quite well. By our clock we're 18 weeks into the pregnancy with all systems and screenings looking good. A couple weeks ago the ultrasound tech in Mumbai estimated our baby's age at 18 weeks based on various fetal measurements. As we were only 16 weeks along at the time, could this be a sign that there's a giant American baby growing in India? Our delivery date may be creeping up earlier and earlier.)

So How Does It Feel To Be Pregnant?

2010-09-30T13:45:00.002-04:00

I am sure I am not alone when I say that when I sit down to put my thoughts on paper (or for this blog), the first thing that comes to mind is that it's still very hard to believe we are pregnant. Because this isn't happening to me or inside MY body, at times it can be a bit out of sight, out of mind. Believe me, it's not that I'm not excited or emotionally invested - I am 100% both of those things!

My sister is also currently pregnant. She and her husband are four months ahead of us and they are due with their first child in mid-November. Unlike me, she is feeling all aspects of the pregnancy - emotional, mental and especially, physical. The sensations that go hand in hand with being pregnant are always with her so she is constantly reminded of its presensce. I can't say I'm jealous; truthfully, some of what she's experiencing I'm happy to take a pass on. However, I can't help but feel a little envy, just as any woman would who wants to carry but is not able to do so.

Geoff and I are now at a point where we're sharing our news with those who haven't been aware of our journey. This puts me into the awkward position of answering the very frequent, "You're pregnant?! Oh great - how are you feeling?" For the most part I'm fine with sharing our special circumstances (to the right people) but it does reinforce the sense of loss I have that it's the surrogate - not me - who is carrying our child and experiencing the actual pregnancy. It's a lot to wrap your head around. Maybe to some it doesn't feel like a big deal. However, when you're living it, it's always in the back of your mind. While I'm over the moon to be pregnant, it's just hard accepting that it's not happening inside my body.

On a much happier note, recent tests show that everything continues to progress well with our pregnancy. Phew! We have a double-marker test coming up so there's never a shortage of things to worry about, but this is no longer about surrogacy, just about going to term. I'm also happy to report that we've conquered the registry gun at Babies R Us and have also splurged with some fun things on a registry at Land of Nod. Next up.....order baby furniture, start nursery decorating and meet with pediatricians, day care providers and the like. Oh, and the name game continues! Currently, Geoff is batting zero while I have a full dugout of names. Agreeing on one might turn out to be harder than this whole surrogacy journey.

Dancing Queen

2010-09-07T20:45:00.000-04:00

If you were with me as I wrote this you'd have seen some fancy footwork I call my happy dance. Why the happy dance? Because we're in the second trimester! All the test results came in beautifully and all measurements were right where they should be. At 5.3cm long and with a heart rate of 180 beats per second, our squirmy little one has passed the first trimester hurdle with all systems go.

Of course, moving into this next trimester means no more delays. We've got furniture to buy, names to choose, pediatricians to meet and showers to arrange.....And we really only have until early February to do this! SI has advised us to be ready for a flight to India as early as the 35th week of our pregnancy. That's February 3rd given that our expected due date is now March 17th. (Yes, as Geoff figured in an earlier post, our estimate of March 14 was a tiny bit off.) Even though an average pregnancy can last 40 weeks, giant American babies in little Indian bellies tend to bump delivery up a few weeks early. For our agency the average has been 37 to 38 weeks in length.

Talk about a nice problem to have...WOW! We dreamed of this moment, of moving past the fears of the first trimester, and here we are. Okay, let's do one more happy dance! It's real enough that Geoff and I have even bought our first book on pregnancy! (Note to publishers - please write a book about pregnancy that doesn't spend 90% of its pages talking to and about pregnant women.) For a change, Geoff and I get to worry about the same issues affecting every other pregnant couple and as stressful as it is, we are ecstatic.

Health Check

2010-08-26T10:42:00.000-04:00

A couple weeks of somewhat blessed silence were wrapped up with the first screen for Down Syndrome. Our clinic takes a nicely comprehensive approach, performing a combined screen during the 10th and 11th week. Made up of two blood tests and one ultrasound, this screen supposedly detects 80% to 90% of babies with Down Syndrome. In our case, the two blood tests - we're talking about R's blood, by the way - were performed late last week and the results were good. Expressed as ratios, each were "better" than the cutoff ratio which, adjusted for Shannon's age, is 1:250. (As in 1 out of 250 babies with the same blood test results have Down Syndrome.) The ultrasound won't happen until this week to give the baby a little more time to grow. Ultimately, it's the combination of these three results that will determine the likelihood of DS. So far, so good.

We've learned that this combined screen and similar exams to be performed during the second trimester just about eliminate the need for amniocentesis. That's great to hear because amnio increases the risk for miscarriage and we've had enough to worry about already, thank you very much. The only reason we'd request an amnio is if the screens came back with very negative results. So far, Shannon and I have no reason not to feel optimistic. It's a good thing because, quite honestly, we haven't forced ourselves to think through the implications of negative results. What would we do? I honestly don't know. The by-the-book answer is to take it one day at a time with constant reminders that a screen is not a guarantee. The reality is probably messier.

Meanwhile, our pregnancy continues. There'd actually been an ultrasound on the 12th of August that had taken us by surprise - we didn't know it was happening and the results weren't posted 'til days later. (Again, this is the one allowance it seems you have to make with overseas surrogacy. Dates are going to be fluid and expectations won't always be set.) The results were just where you'd like them to be; our little one was 27.4mm from crown to rump (rump!) with healthy cardiac activity at a little over 9 weeks. We'll have to take their word for it all because the images, well, this is the best one and I don't think it's time to play "who does he/she look like" yet:

Tilt your monitor, play with the brightness - it doesn't matter as, apparently, this little fetus is a camouflage master. My understanding is that we'll be getting video once we're fully into the second trimester. For now it's this shadowy radar.

Finally, this past Sunday we had the great pleasure to meet up with a few couples who had either already, successfully, gone through India surrogacy or were considering it. Our hosts were the venerable Mike and Mike, of Spawn of Mike and Mike, whose coverage of their surrogacy experience (now over a year ago!) was early inspiration for us.

Cripes were those babies adorable! All the little folks we met were the product of Indian egg donors which means, apparently, that some cute button is pressed in utero. The best thing about this gathering though? It was just a bunch of folks acting like parents. The babies certainly had no idea where they were from and the adults were dealing with the exact same issues as any other mother or father. India was the backstory, not the plot. That's the novel we're hoping to write as well.

Beyond Beta

2010-08-02T23:08:00.007-04:00

Saturday morning was accompanied by gloriously boring news - our little embryo's development is right on course, just where one would expect it to be seven weeks into a pregnancy. In little over a week the length has doubled and cardiac activity appears strong and even. It is not lost on us that this is about the time we'd had to accept the miscarriage of our first attempt, nor will we ever forget. The memory keeps our expectations modest so even small developmental changes leave us feeling like a C student getting A's.

We're also very proud of R who has had to endure separation from her family and multiple pokes and prods for blood tests, ultrasounds and the like. I can tell you that Shannon thinks about this often and wishes desperately for the briefest of opportunities to see R, hold her hand, express our thanks, and do what we can to be supportive. As you may recall, once a pregnancy is in full swing our clinic will relocate our carrier and her family until delivery and complete recovery. This relocation both allows the clinic to ensure a healthy, clean environment for the duration while also enabling our carrier and her family to avoid the questions and stares that come with being pregnant for nine months and then returning home empty handed. Apparently, it is not uncommon for families to come and go; seems their disappearance won't be particularly noted. It is satisfying to know that R is now with her children and husband full time.

Some folks were wondering whether or not we get test results in written form. The Surrogacy India clinic furnished us with our own password-protected Google Site upon which all test results are posted. Originally, this site was the home for our beta tests. We'd get a call from the doctors telling us the count while, concurrently, a report would be uploaded to the site. Thankfully, we're beyond beta tests so no more number counting; now it's about ultrasounds. On the site we find both still images of the ultrasound and, separately, a report written by the sonographer. The write-ups are fairly straightforward; we didn't even bother to speak with the doctors about them. We suspect (we hope!) the next seven months will proceed this smoothly.

With some exceptions, Shannon and I are concerned about an excess of ultrasounds. We want just enough to track development without endangering that development. To this end, what's most important for us are diagnostic ultrasounds used to identify conditions like Down Syndrome. We'll spend more time on this topic (and amniocentesis) in a later post but, needless to say, pre- and post-diagnostic scan conversations will definitely occur.

In the meantime, we're enjoying the jargony news that, according to our ultrasound report, the gestational sac "reveals good choriodecidual reaction with a fetal pole and yolk sac". Which got me thinking - have you ever noticed the complete absence of assisted reproduction greeting cards? For example, now would be a time for something like "Congrats on your good choriodecidual reaction" or "That fetal pole is one in a million!". Or stealing from graduation cards, Bar/Bat Mitzvah cards and the like, once we hit the 11 week mark: "Now you're a fetus"...... Ok, maybe it's pretty obvious why you never see them.

And The Beat Goes On

2010-07-26T16:00:00.001-04:00

Last Monday's blood test showed R's beta increased to 8,619. More importantly, however, was Thursday's ultrasound because it confirmed cardiac activity. Just in case I wasn't clear enough - a heart beat has been detected!!!

In this ultrasound, two gestation sacs were actually seen. The larger sac was everything you'd expect from a normal, healthy, 6 week - three day old embryo - fetal pole, yolk sac AND cardiac activity. The other gestation sac was empty, earning the medical term "invisible twin" or "disappearing twin". As you can imagine, this was sad news to receive in that Geoff and I were really hoping for twins, but we remain positive because we have a little one who's fighting and has a heartbeat fluttering right this very minute!

Next step.........an ultrasound on Thursday, July 29th.

Making it Count

2010-07-20T22:30:00.000-04:00

Everybody's got their coping mechanisms. Now that Shannon and I are back in the swing of things, trying once again to wrap our heads around the fact that thousands of miles away, in the belly of a virtual stranger, grows the hint of an idea of a family - well, if that isn't a time to cope, I don't know what is. My preferred method is to do poor man's research - Google and Wikipedia - in order to snow myself into believing I understand everything that's going on.

Here's an example of the mess I get myself into.

How long has R been pregnant? Simple enough, right? It's helpful to know this information over the short run as we use that length to determine if the beta numbers are within normal limits. For example, see here. In the long run one uses it to estimate the delivery date. Turns out the answer's not so simple for those of us going through multiple rounds of IVF.

First of all, measurement of pregnancy length (aka gestational age) begins on the date of the carrier's last menstrual period (the LMP). The reasoning is that with natural conception there is no way of knowing when conception actually occurred - all the woman knows is the date of her LMP. We were told R's LMP was June 7. (There's a fact one doesn't typically know about an acquaintance.) This means we've been pregnant 43 days.

Here's the problem. This entire pregnancy length calculation is an estimate based on the assumption that conception occurred two weeks after LMP. If doctors know the exact date of conception then one no longer needs the LMP date. Instead, one measures the length of time from conception (called gestational period) and then adds two weeks to get the length of pregnancy.

We know our conception date. Sort of. The actual marriage of egg and sperm occurred back in February. After two days of wedded bliss, our two unused embryos were put on ice and then thawed four months later for our second attempt. The thawing occurred on June 24 and, a few hours later, on June 25, these two potential lucky ones were implanted. So take your pick. Assume conception happened on either June 25 or (two pre-thaw days earlier) June 23, then backtrack two weeks. This gets us to being either 39 days or 41 days pregnant.

So we know, without a shadow of a doubt, that we're either 39, 41 or 43 days pregnant. :-)

(Why haven't we just asked the doctors, you're wondering. Well it turns out the Drs. have acknowledged that the gestational age listed on R's blood reports are wrong. We haven't received a straight answer so - coping mechanism to the rescue!)

Thanks for hanging in there. And my apologies because this is probably a waste of time. Using these hCG charts is a feel good exercise when the betas are high and a feel bad exercise when betas are low. As we've discussed in earlier entries, the range of "normal" measurements is absolutely huge. So huge that you typically can't even use these numbers to determine if more than one embryo is growing. What matters is how fast the beta count grows from one test to the next. This early on in the pregnancy, we're looking for doubling every two to three days. (So far, so good!)

For what it's worth, we'll be using the length calculated from R's LMP. As of Wednesday, July 20 we're at 43 days, or 6 weeks and 1 day. I think. Let me check those numbers again.....

Bull Market

2010-07-17T06:45:00.002-04:00

I am not going to lie - even with our beta levels increasing as they have, the days in between updates are torture. I did not sleep a wink last night, slept with my phone on the pillow next to my ear and with a laptop next to the bed. I'm losing it! Today's good news shows the stock continues to rise....R's beta level is now 2,190!

Good Morning

2010-07-13T07:15:00.001-04:00

It must be a great day when you wake up to results from the latest blood tests and R's beta level more than tripled to 747.37! Another step in the right direction!!

Pay No Attention

2010-07-11T23:00:00.001-04:00

Beta was 237 on July 9. Or as Shannon told her mom over the phone, "In two days the beta's gone from 94.48 to 236.71!" :-)

We've been down Optimism Road once before so that's enough said for now. For what it's worth - yes, it's possible to swing between, "It might be twins!" and "This is too good - it can't stay this good..." in a matter of seconds.

More after we've received the next round of results - hopefully early in the week.

New Beginnings

2010-07-08T22:45:00.004-04:00

Countless people have been checking in, praying, sending good wishes and generally offering whatever help they can to make this next attempt of ours a successful one. Well so far so good because we're happy to report that R is pregnant! We received the call late last night from Drs. Sudhir and Yash - R's beta level was a smile-making 94.48 on Day 12. Anything greater than 25 is a positive result so there's no doubt about this one. (As you may remember, our beta results at this time during our first attempt was a sad 18. This is an uplifting change!) We're hoping two time's the charm without forgetting the lesson from our previous experience, that these big numbers are important but not guarantees.

Our next blood test is scheduled for tomorrow (Friday) and we'll have those results on Saturday.

We're On Our Way (we think)

2010-06-25T15:30:00.001-04:00

Yesterday’s promise was too good to be true. Late last week SI determined that our next embryo transfer would take place on June 24. Amazingly, that day is also our three year wedding anniversary. Was it actually true that the first day of our embryos’ lives in utero would be on the same date their parents married? That had to be a good luck sign, right?

Well Geoff and I felt the cheery, positive thoughts slowly slip away as the 24th passed without any correspondence from the doctors. No call, no email, no text, nothing. Sadly, the anxiety of waiting to hear an update overcame any desire to celebrate our anniversary. Did the transfer actually happen? Did both of our embryos (we only froze two) thaw successfully? Is R ok? Is anybody on our side in India? It wasn’t until midnight (Friday the 25th in Mumbai) that we finally caught up with the doctors. I’m not up for reliving it but, bottom line, the thawing process started late on the 24th, the IVF doctor felt it was best for the transfer wait until the 25th (to ensure the embryos were fully recovered and healthy), and - because of the hour - SI didn’t get around to notifying us. Moving past our annoyance, the take home message was that we had to be patient a bit longer.

At the crack of dawn this morning we received an email with some good news. Our two embryos survived the thaw and were in very good shape. One embryo is an eight cell, grade one and the other embryo is a four cell, grade one. We still don’t have actual confirmation that the transfer took place (of course!) but this part of the process is fairly straightforward so we’re going with the no news is good news theory until we hear back.

It's all very ironic. When we were in Mumbai for our first attempt we very much wanted to be home to share the news of the transfer with our families. Now that we're home for this second attempt we both couldn’t resist wishing we were in Mumbai to see everything through and to wish R lots of rest with her feet up.

Anyway, here we are, back again in the nail-biting, two week wait (we think). Fingers crossed!

Take Two

2010-06-07T22:25:00.001-04:00

One of the toughest parts about writing a blog dedicated solely to our surrogacy experience is that events don't unfold into neat little chapters. For example, two full months were spent simply awaiting R's recovery from our first attempt - give or take, a woman's body needs about two cycles to return to "normal". Since Shannon and I want to spare our readers talk about other topics, much of this time wasn't very newsworthy. (Which is just as well as this time off from the surrogacy world was a welcome respite.)

Emotionally, the down time still saw a lot of action. Optimism takes effort; pessimism is easy. Well meaning friends correct our 'if we have a baby' comments with 'not if, when', not-so-coincidentally spotlighting how such comments come from those with their own children, not the childless. Don't get me wrong, positive attitudes are absolutely preferable and our friends mean only the best. Nevertheless - and maybe this is a guy speaking - optimism needs a little realism. Shannon and I are trying very hard to take everything in stride, hoping for the best while expecting, well, perhaps it's best said that we're not expecting anything. Whatever happens, happens.

And new things are starting to happen. As we wrote in our last post, we'll be working with R for our second attempt. To that end, R was put through a mock cycle. In a mock cycle the surrogate is given a round of IVF meds to prepare her for the implantation of embryos. However, no transfer occurs. Rather, this is just a test run whose objective is to measure the quality of the carrier's uterine blood flow and thickness of the uterine lining (the endometrium) to be sure her body is ready and able to get pregnant. I confess the purpose of this run with R is not overly clear to me. R is not an unknown variable - she has never had trouble in the past - and, because embryo thawing occurs on the day of transfer, it's never too late to stop the process if R's body isn't ready. Ironically, we're going to put this theory to test because R caught a cold during her mock cycle and couldn't complete it anyway. SI's doctors felt her progress up 'til that point had been perfectly normal and advised we just proceed as if she passed the mock cycle with flying colors.

Give or take a wrinkle in preparation, our next embryo transfer will take place in the third to fourth week of June. We're back!

Shannon and I have been drowning SI in questions after requesting that they be more proactive and free with information. So far, so good. Dr. Sudhir acknowledged occasions during which his agency could have performed better and has promised to work harder to keep us informed and in the loop. It's still early so we reserve judgment but it's been a good start. This includes their confronting and discussing rumors about the reliability of the IVF Center that SI uses. We'd heard some lousy things about that Center's top physician from first-hand witnesses but SI has assured us - quite logically - that it wouldn't be in their best interest to associate themselves with an unreliable IVF clinic. We were told that a mix of facts, rumors and disinformation from competing agencies stirred the pot.

Ultimately, what can we do? We're thousands of miles away and early on had come to terms with the fact that we would be relinquishing control to and investing trust in SI. This clinic issue is an example of where our trust was put to the test. To date, however, SI has not given us reason for doubt; they have a really good track record (as does the IVF clinic, by the way). Plus, we're already committed. It's a shame this extra-curricular garbage demands any of our attention as we've enough on our plate. However, though there are examples of couples whose India surrogacy experiences have been virtually flawless, I'm thinking Shannon and I are a bit more typical. Not everything goes as planned, is predictable or problem free.

We never consciously expected otherwise. And despite it all, here we are two weeks or so from a second attempt. Having gone through this all once before, we're old pros who'll surely take it all in stride. (Welcome to the 'lying to ourselves' section of this entry.) Oh, we're just making babies in India - how was your weekend?

Not a Sprint

2010-04-26T14:58:00.004-04:00

Last Monday was Patriots' Day here in Massachusetts. A recognition of the first Revolutionary War battles, this holiday tends to be outshined by another annual occasion occurring on the same day, the Boston Marathon. "Marathon Monday" brings over half a million students, families and fans to the race course to cheer on more than 20k runners. It's quite a spectacle and the pride of Boston.

Shannon and I are in the midst of our own marathon. Unlike the foot race, our pursuit has no clear finish line. In fact, we're not even sure where it is or what we'll find when we get there. All we do know is that the distance to cover is far, requiring patience and perserverance and a small dose of fatalism to accept that what will be, will be.

It's been some time since we've written. Frankly, we're tired of writing about lousy news just as much as you're probably tired of reading it. In fact, we've been taking pleasure in other surrogacy blogs. By our count, Surrogacy India has welcomed seven births in the past few weeks! If there's better news to be had, we can't think of it. A gigantic, go-get-'em congrats to all!

A couple weeks ago Shannon and I met with our local fertility doctor, Dr. Ian Hardy, to get his opinion about some open questions. Should we work with R again? Regardless of the carrier, should Shannon go through a round of IVF here in the States or should we wait until we've made an attempt with our remaining two embryos? And is there anything we could do to improve our chances the next time around?

First, R. Touchingly, she expressed a desire to work with us again if we'd have her. The termination had been induced medically, resulting in an expected recovery time of around two months. This means the earliest we could perform the transfer would be sometime in June or July (two full months recovery, one month hormonal preparation). Should we work with her again? When all is said and done, Dr. Hardy thought this would be perfectly fine as she had a good history and had become pregnant with one of our own. Why add another variable by introducing an untested carrier? Disconcertingly, we had no idea how to answer a bunch of questions about R's cycle of progesterone as she prepared for the transfer. We didn't think to ask and Drs. Sudhir and Yash never told us. Technically, if the progesterone cycle was screwed up, R's uterus wouldn't have been ready for the transfer and the pregnancy would have failed. Cripes!! Nice to find this out AFTER the entire cycle.

I have to say this has been the most frustrating part of the entire process - the availability of information. We've pretty much had to ask for everything. Little info was forthcoming and what info did exist was late to arrive. (Yes, we were warned about this when speaking to references from each agency about the India option. "That's doing business in India." Might be - but it still sucks.) Now for a "normal", full term pregnancy this would probably come off as a minor annoyance. But when the pregnancy fails, this lack of information creates a vacuum that naturally forces you to question everything, including the quality of care. Was this miscarriage a mere act of God or a preventable mistake? Shannon and I intellectually know the IVF clinic, lab and hospitals used by Surrogacy India are top notch. (Not only did our local fertility doctor confirm this information but other reputable agencies also use the same facilities.) And we know there have been many successes. But hey, ours wasn't a success and, well, that's the one we care about most.

Anyway, we'll be much more vigilant about monitoring R's progress as she's prepared for the next attempt - beginning with a carefully worded correspondence with Drs. Sudhir and Yash. The next question was about when Shannon should put herself through another round of IVF. Dr. Hardy strenuously recommended we wait until the next attempt with R is seen through. Why go through the rigors of IVF when we've got two very good quality embryos waiting for a chance? Our doctor here has stressed more than once that he sees his job as helping patients to bring a single (one) baby into this world, and this recommendation fits that world view. Works for us. We were also going to ask if he'd provide a full cycle of IVF for free so Shannon wouldn't have to go through it all again in Mumbai.... Ok, kidding about the free part but the chance that Shannon can do this cycle again overseas is slim to none, nor do I want to see my wife go through that experience again.

A part of us was desperate to start a second round right away. We don't even know if both embryos will be thawed successfully, raising the exciting proposition that we have something to be nervous about before being nervous about the pregnancy itself. Positive thoughts and vigilance - that's all we can do to make sure this next attempt goes well. It's comforting to have our local doctor's professional endorsement for the current plan so we'll stick to it. I'm thinking of filling up on pasta to carbo load before the next go-round. That's what you do for marathons, right?

Party For One

2010-04-03T12:45:00.010-04:00

I have the party dress. I definitely have the gorgeous heels. I have the sparkly bracelets I bought in India that match my party dress and I have the perfect clutch bag to coordinate. (Of course, this IS me writing.) Sadly, I also have a thick box of tissues. All of this for the pity party I'm having and although I don't have them very often, I am entitled. (Geoff can crash but only after I have a few dances alone.)

We've come to terms with our recent miscarriage and we are doing better. We understand that when anyone miscarriages it's because there is something wrong with the pregnancy and, as difficult and heartbreaking as it is, it's for the best. For us, it is a bump on an already difficult and very rough road. However, we will get through all of this and we are still very hopeful we will have a family some day.

In the meantime, the emotional roller coaster continues. I'm not sure how it's fair that some are graced with three, four, five children when others are desperately trying for just one. I don't begrudge anyone for it, I just don't see how it's fair, especially when fertility issues come into play. As if infertility is not bad enough, some have to go through the process over and over again. Heck, some can't even afford adoption, surrogacy, IVF... and live life without children. It makes me wonder, who the hell is calling the shots here!? Many incredible people we know haven't had the luxury of getting pregnant on their own and have had to repeatedly go through multiple fertility processes. It's depressing, frustrating and not right. I am consistently surprised at how more and more common infertility is and to good people! It's simply not fair.

With regard to next steps, our surrogate has graciously agreed to try again with us, which is fabulous news as she's already proven she can get pregnant. That's one less thing to worry about so we won't be blindly entering the process again. R will need approximately two months to recover and then a third month to prepare for our next transfer. During that time, we are considering going through a round of IVF here in the States with the intention of freezing more embryos; time is not on our side as I get older and my egg production decreases. We have an appointment with our local fertility doctor this coming Friday to discuss all that has happened thus far and this potential next cycle. The journey continues.....

Life does go on and we want to wish everyone a happy Passover and Easter!

Closing this Chapter

2010-03-24T14:07:00.001-04:00

It is with a heavy, sad heart that I share this news of us losing the baby. It doesn't come as a total surprise as our low, slowly increasing beta numbers, undetected fetal pole, teeny sac and undetected heartbeat are all indicative of miscarriage. Mercifully, the end has come more quickly than it might have. Yesterday we were told that even if nothing could be seen in the latest ultrasound aside from a small sac, if our carrier’s beta rose by even a few numbers, we'd have to act as if we were pregnant and prepare for another long, ten day of monitoring. However, this morning we learned that the beta level decreased. An ultrasound will still be performed but it's really just a formality.

We are some of the lucky ones to have come this far and for that we are grateful. At the same time, we are incredibly sad, distraught and disappointed. Frustrated comes to mind as well seeing that "excellent quality" embryos aren't necessarily excellent. (This only added hope and additional pressure to an already tremendously stressful process.) Personally, I go between numb and sobbing uncontrollably for what might have been. Having to share this news with our loved ones is dreadful. They are just as devastated and to hear their disappointment is heart wrenching. The thought of what we may have to go through if our two frozen embryos don't go to term brings such anxiety to me I can hardly explain it.

We still have each other and together, we will persevere. We have joined yet another family in the baby-making world - those that have experienced a miscarriage. I can't say I'm happy to be part of this family but if it helps us to cope better or if we can support someone also going through this, we are here for the long haul. We'll be speaking with the doctors again tomorrow morning to see how R is doing and to discuss next steps.

Behind the Curve

2010-03-21T14:45:00.002-04:00

Our Saturday morning beta results were 2600, a modest increase from the last test but definitely far behind what is "typical". Not surprisingly, in light of this beta count, the ultrasound showed an undefined sac. (With a beta that low, you just don't expect to see a lot of development.) Don't quote me on the description of what was seen as it's all second-hand information heard over a crackly phone connection but the bottom line is that at eight weeks, we (and the doctors) would have expected to see more definition.

If Shannon and I were to actually write a book for parents pursuing surrogacy, one piece of advice would likely be, "Think of beta numbers as hints, not facts, about your baby's health." I'm guessing Shannon and I are driven to this conclusion partly because we're busy trying to move past the fairly poor beta performance we've experienced so far. Dr. Yash told us she has personally witnessed two successful pregnancies that started as inauspiciously. Statistically, we're falling farther behind the norm but we wouldn't be making news if we went full term. Sometimes growth comes in fits and starts, particularly in the first trimester. We absolutely need to see vast improvement over the next couple of weeks but it wouldn't be unprecedented for that to happen. So there remains a reason to hope.

Recently, other intended parents within our extended surrogacy family have received very good, early-in-the-first-trimester news. We love hearing this. First, success is contagious. Second, all of us in this family have sacrificed for the sake of building a family and deserve all the happiness life can give them. We wish you all continued success and have you in our now fairly specific and otherwise selfish prayers.

Hey Beta, Beta, Beta!

2010-03-18T11:30:00.003-04:00

[The title is a baseball reference - a lighthearted insider joke for our U.S.-based readers as baseball season starts next month.]

Between Geoff and I both putting in some long work days and the less-than-inspiring news we received from Dr. Yash last Saturday, we haven't been all that motivated to write an update. However, knowing that we have many rooting for us and wanting to answer the surplus of emails asking when we are blogging next, I'm here to share an update for all inquiring minds.

As of March 3rd our beta number was 774 and our next increase - early last week- was 1626. We were scheduled to speak with Dr. Yash again this past Saturday and, as is now the custom, we called promptly at 7am that morning (5:30pm Saturday night her time). R's numbers increased again, but only by roughly 300 or so. Now, to some, this is great because her beta number increased, but - yes, there is a “but” folks - after three or four days, we (both us and the doctors) had hoped it would be higher, certainly over 2,000. As you can imagine, I instantly panicked and have continued to conjure up the worst scenarios imaginable. Possibly in an effort to make light of the situation, Dr. Yash mentioned that perhaps they tested her too soon so not to conclude anything until the next test. Easy to say but only increasing by 300 just doesn't seem good. We are trying to remain positive but all that really means is ignoring the pessimism and ensuring the passage of time between now and our talk with Dr. Yash this coming Saturday will seem like an eternity. We reached out to the doctors on Tuesday to ask if R is spotting or if she has any cramping – you know, potential symptoms of miscarriage - and we were told "she is doing good". That’s certainly a good start so we’ll just try out best to stay optimistic and hope for booming beta numbers this weekend. (We’re starting to question the value of getting these weekly numbers. Either our carrier’s pregnant or she’s not; what’s the benefit of getting weekly numbers other than to spook the intended parents? It’s not like your average pregnancy is tested this often. Chances are, beta numbers just jump around. Or so we hope!) I’m now dreaming of beta numbers and, until the next test, I have a feeling they'll continue to drift in and out. We’re hoping for a beta that puts 2,000 to shame. Bring it on!

We recently ventured to the bookstore with the hopes of finding a book or two to show us what's happening to the baby and to R each week. Books for intended parents working with a gestational carrier just don’t exist. [Insert note to self here to write a book specifically for IPs going though this process] There are, of course, 1,000+ pregnancy books for couples experiencing pregnancy directly, some extremely graphic with things I do not want or need to know. Long story very short, we left with nothing that night and continue to search for a book that's right for us. Any suggestions, please share! Geoff and I did learn through our own research that whenever doctors calculate the number of weeks into a pregnancy, they count from the date of a woman's last menstruation and not from the date of fertilization. This works out to a two week difference. What does that mean for us? It means that as far as the doctors, books, etc. are concerned, we are actually eight weeks pregnant and not six weeks as we originally thought. However, our expected due date remains the same – 38 weeks after fertilization or 40 weeks after the last menstruation. That’s October 27th for us. The fall has never seemed so beautiful.

Blip on the Radar

2010-03-04T11:12:00.007-05:00

I almost feel like we owe our readership some drama to keep everyone engaged. Drama like what you'd find in one of Shannon's favorite television shows, Brothers and Sisters, where not a single day in the tv family's lives goes by without either some life ending catastrophe or the intrusion of a sexy love interest with an accent. Unfortunately, we have neither of those. (Well, not sure this counts, but I have a slight New York accent and my mom says I'm a looker.) All we can offer is good news. Today's new beta level is 774, almost a 300% jump. In fact, grab a seat - the first ultrasound shows a happy, little sac developing in R's belly. Too early to see cardiac movement or even any hint of a fetus but the screen doesn't lie - there's something inching its way to life in there.

After all of this heavy engagement on our part, watching the phone every day and sweating every passing minute, now, all of a sudden, we're transitioning into a no-news-is-good-news phase. Think about it. Up 'til now Shannon and I were very, very worried about things going right. Now we're worried about things going wrong! All we want are predetermined test dates with very positive news and an absolutely vanilla, no surprises pregnancy. Our eyes are now firmly set on the first trimester prize, ending approximately the third of May.

One confession I'm compelled to share is that Shannon and I have both felt a slight bit of disappointment at the implication of the ultrasound - that this would be a singleton birth, not twins. How dare we spend an ounce of emotional energy to bemoan the absence of two when we've been blessed with one? Absolutely agreed. I can only explain it by saying that the emotional and physical toll of the first effort hasn't exactly cast a come-hither glance enticing us to go through it all again. However, that said, we do have two frozen embryos and thus the option to avoid the first hectic round of IVF drugs and hospital stays. And believe me, the disappointment is fleeting at best, quickly beat down by the thrill of knowing that this whole damn process is actually working and that we've a baby slowly making its way to us from across the ocean.

We've held off talking about some other takeaways and advice we'd gleaned from our time in India because we thought it would be pretty cavalier to talk about overseas travel when our minds were a little preoccupied. Shannon and I will of course keep everyone up to date on the progress of our little one but from here on out we'll also sprinkle in some other surrogacy-relevant info we think other couples would be interested to learn. Hopefully, this will be of help to you and will keep us suitably distracted.

Finally, I just wanted to remark on the marvelous avalanche of best wishes we received for our last blog entry. That was stupendous and uplifting and a wondrous reminder that this world is filled with beautiful people. May all the good will return to you and multiply a thousand times. We send our love to our extended family!

Snowy With a Chance of Pregnant

2010-02-27T08:30:00.001-05:00

A terrible weather system has been plowing through the U.S. and where we live north of Boston was hit very badly. 75 mile an hour winds tossed boats, fences, grills and part of our roof like they were snow flakes. What were once beautiful trees are now destroyed and remain pushed to the side of the road or chopped into pieces to allow utility crews to get to the power lines that lay strewn across major roads in and out of our town and neighboring towns. We lost power at 10:30pm on Thursday night and they are saying it could be days before we have power again. This weather has temporarily uprooted us from our home and we're now staying with my mom and stepdad, which has left our sleeping somewhat erratic. Add the continued waiting into the mix and well, what is the point in trying to sleep at all?! The weather, us losing power and not getting much sleep - it's a good thing we now know we are pregnant since that makes everything a lot rosier. I'm sorry, what - you want me to repeat that? Yes, WE ARE PREGNANT!!!

Okay, so in hindsight, maybe we were being a bit too cautious. We actually first knew the answer back on Wednesday - due to a surprise email from Dr. Sudhir in response to a few unrelated questions - but this process has taught us to keep an even keel. It's killing me and I'm stressed to the max, but I am trying very hard to remain balanced and calm with a little side order of holy crap we're freakin pregnant!!!! Wednesday we were told R's beta numbers were 104 - that's a triple from the Monday number - but we wanted to be sure and wait for the next blood test which was done Friday. This morning, Saturday, we called Dr. Yash and learned the beta had grown to 246. There's no doubt about it now.

We do need to keep in mind it's early. As Geoff says, we're now in the peed-on-a-stick phase - not exactly too far along and there's still a couple of high risk months to go. At least in the U.S., it's common practice to keep the first trimester quiet just in case things go wrong. Obviously, our situation is a bit more public so there's no hiding our status. However, we're going to try to balance excitement with measured patience.

All this said, we have no reason not to be optimistic now. I'm feeling better, R is healthy, the baby/babies are growing. We're pregnant!

Numbers Game

2010-02-22T13:58:00.001-05:00

We're up to a 31, still inconclusive. The beta has risen, which is good, but not enough for us to believe we've passed the first viability hurdle. As we mentioned, the point isn't the number so much as what happens to the number; the beta should be doubling every three days or so and we didn't quite hit that mark. Our next test will be conducted Friday, with results available Friday morning our time, and we'll be looking for a number up around 90.

Any couple trying to build a family obsessess over every variable they believe reflects or influences the process. Right now, Shannon and I have one, solitary number to fret over so it's getting one hell of a lot of attention. We have to remind ourselves that for "normal" pregnancies, some women live through this first month without even being aware of what's going on inside them let alone measuring HCG numbers. All of which is to say, our numbers may end up being perfectly fine but the detailed knowledge is as much of a curse as it is a blessing.

To really overdo analysis of a single number, we're thinking the size of our beta implies - at the very least - that there's no chance of twins. We were ambitiously hoping for twins as our ideal family size includes two children and we weren't keen on going through this surrogacy process any more than necessary. However, yes, it's just too early to interpret much of anything. It's so hard not to play the numbers game!

Next up, Friday morning. More waiting.

A Pregnant Pause

2010-02-20T12:58:00.003-05:00

Shannon and I received a call at about 10am EST today - Saturday - from Dr. Yash. Our carrier tested "positive" with a beta level (i.e. an hCG level) of 18 mIU/ml. I put "positive" in quotes because a number like 18 lands a woman into the gray area one could call "a little pregnant". We're two weeks post transfer and at that time the beta for healthy pregnancies range from 5 to 426. Good news, right? Well, the beta typically needs to be more than 25 before a physician officially considers a woman pregnant. With a beta of 18, we might have a pregnant carrier simply on the low end of the scale or we might have a struggling embryo (or two) not fit for this world. In response to such a score, our doctors will be performing another blood test to ensure the beta continues to rise; the results will supposedly be available to us Monday morning our time. More waiting. However, I'll be the optimist and point out that because the beta level is higher than 5 and because we're two weeks in, we've clearly still got one to two embryos vying for life.

Apologies, by the way, for the silence 'til now since our return to Boston. Frankly, we were beat and had little to report. Shannon's health is finally recovering after taking a full week off from work; I've been back to work full time and using it as a distraction from the waiting anyone pursuing IVF knows so well.

Finally, I wanted extend one more thank you to everyone for your continued best wishes since our return. Please know that Shannon and I return those sentiments. Our experience is unique to us but not to this community. There are many couples in this world with their own stories and their own struggles and all deserve our most heartfelt thoughts and prayers. In light of our current situation, we'd like to make a particular shout out to those in the midst of the 2WW (two week wait) like us. Go beta!

There Is No Place Like Home

2010-02-10T09:30:00.001-05:00

We are so happy to be home! For two people that were as prepared as we were for this trip, I feel as though we were hardly prepared for the mental, emotional and physical aspects that were endured. I know, it’s sad, but very true. As I’ve said to all of the family and friends that we’ve talked with since our return home, it was supposed to be a happy and exciting trip but with the unexpected complications of laparoscopic surgery and with my getting sick, it was hard to enjoy ourselves. Had the circumstances been different, we would have had a much better experience.

Since our return, the outpouring of emails and calls, flowers, groceries and home cooked meals being delivered has been miraculous. We are forever indebted to our coworkers, friends and families all expressing care and concern. Words cannot express our gratitude!

Regardless of this trip being a good or bad experience, it was one that I could not have survived without my ultimate best friend – my husband. In India and home, he has been by my side every second of the way, holding my hand – what more can I ask for?! In my eyes, I am the luckiest woman in the world because he is the solid rock I get to trek through the bad times with and he is the funny, brilliant guy that I can share the good times with. (I know the ladies will agree, his debonair looks aren’t too tough on the eyes either!) He makes my life better in just about every way and marrying him was one of the biggest achievements of my life.

We are now in what's called the "2WW" (two week wait) and believe me, we are counting the minutes until we receive that call revealing our fate for this cycle. Have you ever heard of the fastest gun in the west? Well, we'll be the fastest phone in the east and that first ring won't even have time to finish before we answer.

Many Miles

2010-02-08T22:35:00.001-05:00

I'd started to think of our Mumbai hotel room as the editing desk for A Distant Miracle. How are Shannon and I supposed to feel inspired anywhere but here? What will we do without an ever present in-room dining tray? Without oddly random and relatively bad English-language television programming? Without the convenience of going to the bathroom a mere five feet from our bed? Ah well. Shannon and I will just have to suffer for our art and put up with being HOME!

Yes, home - where folks drive in single lanes and think 85°F is hot. Oh, and what a day to come back. The Super Bowl was scheduled for later that night. The Super Bowl!!! You can't get more commercially American than that. Shannon and I would have kissed the ground if she wasn't doubled-over in pain and I wasn't saddled with three bags and a backpack. This trip is over, baby!

My poor wife is officially a mess. We visited her doctor first thing this morning for a once over to ensure there's not some crazy problem lurking behind the scenes. Thankfully, no. Most of her symptoms are the result of the laparoscopy. The severe distention is caused by a few things: residual swelling of the ovaries from IVF, bruising from the surgery, carbon dioxide left over from use of the laparoscope and constipation caused by the use of anesthesia. Her throat pain is likely from use of the tracheal tube during surgery. The ear infection and sinus infection are bonus gifts caused by a bug she probably picked up at the hospital but who knows. For all of this, the cure is time - she'll be out of work and on bed rest for at least this week. Shannon just has to put up with the pain, nausea and general discomfort with the help of some newly prescribed pain meds, antibiotics and a DVR with multiple episodes of The Office, Brothers and Sisters, American Idol, Barefoot Contessa and 24. Oh, and lots of sleep, little of which she picked up during our last three or four days in Mumbai or during the 17 hour slog of a flight back to the States. Thankfully, she's now in her own bed, with family by her side, eating home-cooked comfort food.

Our last day in Mumbai, Saturday, was spent mainly as a time killer. The flight to Newark was at 11:40pm that evening, meaning we didn't have to be at the airport until 7:30pm. I begged and guilted the front desk into giving us a super-late checkout time of 6pm and then walked the streets to a local chemist for some decongestant, anticipating the flight could be torture on Shannon's ears (which proved to be true despite their use). Shannon stayed in bed 'til around 3pm and then screwed up the courage to waddle her way down to the pool for a last hour of sun. I, meanwhile, hit the streets once again and made my way to Hare Krishna Land (seriously, that's what they call it), world headquarters for the International Society for Krishna Consciousness (ISKCON), about a five minute walk from the hotel. Then around 4pm we started the packing process, hitting the streets for mosquito-filled Mumbai International Airport a little after six.

What followed was almost 24 straight hours of sitting on our butts. One might argue this was in Shannon's favor - not having to do anything but sit. However, picture yourself feeling really sick and congested and then sit in an airport or on planes for almost an entire day. That is not a recipe for success. I managed to get some fitful rest on the cross-Atlantic flight but Shannon mainly counted the minutes.

It's over, we're home, the healing begins. Best of all, the trip was a success. Everything we planned for went to plan. R is resting and being cared for; Shannon is resting and being cared for. It's a crazy parallel if you think about it. Maybe this is nature's way of giving Shannon a (very compressed) empathetic experience of pregnancy. I'm not trying to spin things - I hope (we hope) Shannon never has to go through this again. However, what's done is done. And if this bit of sacrifice helps prime the karma surrounding R's pregnancy, we'll take it.

Transfer Day

2010-02-05T18:00:00.000-05:00

Dr. Yash pulled us aside as we entered the IVF waiting room in Lilavati. She led us to a set of chairs, sat down next to us and said, "As of this afternoon's tests, four of your embryos are in very good condition. We will check them once more before the transfer but my opinion at this moment is that we implant all four now rather than freeze a mere one for later use. Let's make the best use of this opportunity." Shannon and I looked at each other, saddened by the news. We always imagined freezing a few embryos on the off chance that we'll want or will have to make a second attempt without Shannon having to bear up with a whole new cycle of IVF. However, we've always told ourselves that success is a single child, that freezing embryos is a nice-to-have, not the goal. We assented to Dr. Yash's advice as she was called to the transfer room for the final evaluation and to ensure R - our surrogate - was comfortable and ready.

Shannon and I put a good face on things, comforted by the idea that R would be carrying four embryos, more than the usual count transferred and thus, we figured, having a high chance of pregnancy. Sitting with us in the waiting room was another couple who had just flown in from Australia to use donor eggs for a round of surrogacy. They congratulated us on the news and took it as a positive omen for their chances. Soon after, Dr. Yash returned.

"Your four embryos are in absolutely excellent condition. We have a new option. We can transfer just two now and freeze the other two. I wouldn't normally suggest this but their quality is excellent. I suspect that if we implant more than two, the chances of multiples are very high and will require selective reduction." Talk about out of the blue.... I asked if we were undermining the chances of success this first go-round in order to justify freezing. Dr. Yash replied no, the quality is very good and this should not be a concern. In her opinion, transfer two. Shannon and I sat back, talked it over briefly, and agreed to transfer only two. In less than sixty seconds we made a decision that may very well impact the rest of our lives. The other SI couple couldn't help but eavesdrop so when Dr. Yash walked away with our answer, I looked at them and said, "Now that was a heavy moment, huh?"

Dr. Sudhir, also in the waiting room, told us that Dr. Yash does not spare couples honesty about egg quality. Excellent means excellent. The other couple agreed. Apparently, they'd gone through multiple rounds of IVF with no success (thus their trip to India) and had certainly never heard the word 'excellent' used to describe embryos before. All of sudden the number four, which had seemed a sober compromise, now felt like an absolute jackpot.

The transfer process itself was completed fairly quickly, conducted by a Dr. Pai - the head of the IVF clinic and the same person responsible for the ICSI procedure. A mere 15 minutes after Dr. Yash left with our decision she returned with, can you believe it, R herself. She's this absolutely cute, little woman who was now the most precious person on the planet next to my wife. She and her caretaker sat down with us and the doctors (R's husband was at work). R carried a very composed air that was, in retrospect, a little surprising considering what she'd just committed her body to. She was also much more comfortable with Shannon and I, making full eye contact and flashing a smile; clearly, that first meeting in the clinic had broken the ice. We had a brief conversation mediated by the doctors, wishing her well, inviting her and her family to Boston, promising to learn a little Hindi, and then telling her we looked forward to speaking with her in a couple weeks via Skype. (SI communicates with all their clients using Skype and will connect couples with their surrogates once transfer has occurred.) Then off she went to the clinic for two weeks of lying down - probably the longest vacation of her life. I, meanwhile, wiped the flop sweat off my forehead and Shannon fell back in her chair.

Every step in this process has its own challenges and Shannon and I know we're in the midst of a statistics game. Just because our little guys are judged to be excellent doesn't, of course, guarantee anything. We'll have a better idea two weeks from now when our carrier is given her first pregnancy test. So are we relieved? Absolutely. Excited? Well, we're too cautious for that. But this is one heck of a hurdle and, to appearances, we've leapt it as well as we could have hoped.

Oh, and try this on for size: If we do find ourselves with a baby or two nine months from now, they're already growing inside R. Now that's a mind blowing thought......

Bathroom Talk

2010-02-05T12:00:00.000-05:00

I know I will be opening myself up for judgment when I say this, but I just can’t help but love the trinkets and t-shirts that read “I Fling Poo” – most of which depict a fun picture of a monkey. This brings me to this morning’s entry – a lighthearted, kind of vulgar post that I must warn you about…this entry will not be for the refined among us.

So, it’s been approximately four days and 15 hours since I’ve had a bowel movement. I am quite positive this is not helping the slew of other side effects I am experiencing due to the surgery and IVF cycle. One of those side effects is most obvious - my stomach is very swollen from internal bruising, bloating and constipation. Forget the baby bump, I now look as if I’m six months prego. I have an alien growing inside me, or perhaps an elephant.

It’s ironic because prior to our trip, many warned us of diarrhea or New Delhi Belly, most commonly caused by the water and any raw/uncooked food rinsed in it. We’ve done very well at avoiding this, but others we know can’t say the same and it regrettably lasted for weeks. The food from the four restaurants in our hotel and the room service happens to be terrific. In light of my current situation, I have tried to eat an abundance of fruit and grains for the fiber, but nothing that helped. I have continued to mix the Benefiber that I brought from home with bottled water, but nothing. I am still drinking outrageous amounts of water and Gatorade, but nothing.

I currently find myself desperate enough to run (okay, slowly shuffle because I can’t walk fast right now) out to the water’s edge on Juhu Beach to suck up as much of the filthy Arabian Sea water as possible just to help “move things along”. Obviously, I haven’t really lost my mind that much so instead we called Dr. Yash first thing this morning and she prescribed a laxative (plus some throat lozenges) and had it delivered by the lovely Heena at 11am.

Now, I wait to see when the first dose of this rocket fuel castor oil kicks in. Seeing that I really can’t push (or laugh, sneeze or cough) with my stomach feeling so badly, I’m slightly hoping it’ll be similar to the prep I downed for my recent colonoscopy. The way I can best describe it was that it turns anything still left in your system into liquid and then makes it feel as if a fire truck hose is hooked up to your mouth only to shoot out the opposite end. Exciting, I know. I still have ¾ of the bottle left and I’m happy to share! If only I had poo to fling, I’d be one happy girl.

In the Light of Day

2010-02-04T21:15:00.003-05:00

Yesterday needs to be an all's-well-that-ends-well memory as it sure as heck wasn't fun or easy. Objectively, the surgery was a success - the doctors were able to harvest healthy eggs and, through ICSI, create six embryos that are now growing in the lab. Subjectively, it was a physical and emotional strain on Shannon (and me too, but there's no comparison), a process we'd have to think long and hard about before ever considering a second go-round. Shannon's dealing with some really bad abdominal pain and is essentially on bed rest - though we did pull off a waddle pool-side earlier today. Thankfully, relatively speaking, she is feeling a little better - her energy level is up and her email-response addiction is in full swing.

In this Men are from Mars installment of the blog, I'm going to reenter list mode, try to make some lemonade out of these lemons and share a few take-aways for folks considering or about to go down this path. Should Shannon and I ever have to go through this process again, we'll be sure to remember the following. (Far as I can tell, this advice applies to any city in India, not just Mumbai.)

IVF drugs are known to increase a woman's sensitivity to taste and smell. It sure did for Shannon. (Shannon found our lost hotel room key the other night just by sniffing the air.) When preparing for the hospital trip, bring lots of familiar, bottled water. Sure, the hospital has water, but it's warm and tastes funny and you never lose the thought that it's India water, it's going to make us sick. (Food can not be brought into the hospital and, even if you could, there's a nil-by-mouth order before surgery and a nil-by-mouth window after surgery as well. The hospital does have a cafeteria. What's it like? It's like a hospital cafeteria.)
Seems most women don't need laparoscopic retrieval for egg pick-up (aka EPU or OPU for 'ovum pick-up) - the vaginal procedure is fine - so the anesthesia used is lighter and the recovery much quicker. Nevertheless, bring some cough drops or sucking candy to soothe a ragged throat. This would have been very helpful for Shannon.
While we're at it, bring laxatives and strong pain medicine. Extra Strength Tylenol seems to be a safe bet for pain meds as ibuprofen products like Advil aren't always permitted after surgery.
If at all possible, consider a hotel relatively near your hospital. A ride that takes 20 minutes at 5:30 in the morning takes about 75 minutes between 6:30am and 10:00pm. There's just too many people going too many places. The last thing you want to do is walk out of the hospital and sit in a car for two hours. Worse, though many of the roads are in decent shape, some are decidedly not, resulting in an off road-like adventure that's not incision-friendly. (The Novotel's been perfect for us.)
Bring an iPod, walkman, whatever for both you and your spouse. You will not have a room to yourself and you can not expect silence. There is no mobile phone ban in the hospital and phone calls - sent and received - are frequent. Conversations of any kind are common. Now I don't actually believe the volume of conversation is any louder here than in the west but the use of a foreign language tends to amplify the disruption. Your only escape is through headphones and some familiar music or interesting audio book.
Socks are considered no more sanitary than shoes when it comes to entering the surgical area. India hospitals supply flip flops for folks walking into sterile areas. Just a heads-up that if you're going to make an appearance in the operating area, you'll need to go barefoot and then put on previously worn sandals.
Don't rule out striking up a conversation with other families. It has been our experience that the locals are extremely friendly and not remotely shy about personal matters. If you're ok with the accent then you can expect an interesting, candid conversation. As Shannon had mentioned in her last post, a few very pleasant minutes were spent speaking with the sister-in-law of our roommate, a mother of twins through IVF. This sister-in-law literally walked up to Shannon, who was lying in bed, and asked, "So why are you here?" [Of course, be sensitive to why those families are in the hospital. If a loved one is on his/her deathbed, that may not be the best time to pry.]
If at all possible, arrange to have someone handle registration and other hospital minutiae. Our clinic, SI, uses Heena and she's a lifesaver. I won't even try to picture how yesterday might have gone without her.
Verify everything; assume nothing. This isn't about not trusting your doctors or the hospital or anyone else. It's just that mistakes can be made and ultimately you need to bear the responsibility of ensuring all is in order. Educate yourself about the process, question guidance, think through implications and hold folks accountable. We're reading every line and are likely pains in the butt with our endless questions but the doctors understand and respect the attention - not to mention that we prevented Shannon from taking an antibiotic she's allergic to.
Watch this commercial, playing on India television, if you ever need a pick-up. Shannon can't get enough of it and wears a big smile every time the little boy and girl wish each other a happy holiday.

Today, Thursday, was a rest day. We head back to Lilavati Hospital tomorrow afternoon for the transfer and for a check of Shannon's bandages and sutures. (The bandages are some sort of waterproof, super bonding plasters that pull on the skin and are thus fairly uncomfortable.) This means we'll know around 5:30pm (Mumbai-time) how many embryos will be placed in our carrier and how many will be left over for freezing. Hard to believe that with all we've gone through, there are still no guarantees. This'll be an anxious few hours!

As always, thank you for your attention, prayers and good wishes. We feel far from alone out here.

E - Day

2010-02-04T01:14:00.001-05:00

[I wrote this post after I got back to our hotel room from the hospital. I’m beyond exhausted, should be asleep and shouldn’t be posting entries when I have this many blazing thoughts, but I’m so determined to get this post out tonight that I ask for your understanding that it’s still a raw, unedited draft. To reiterate, before you read on, please know, I’m thrilled beyond words to know we now have embryos growing in the lab but the process was a difficult one and I’m still in the moment.]

Thank you to all who sent emails, posted comments and were thinking of us today! It was the toughest day yet and I’m ecstatic it’s finally over. I think Geoff and I each slept for all of two hours last night due to the anxiety – an emotion we’ve come to know well this trip. We were up at 4:30am, out of the hotel by 5:30am and didn’t arrive home this evening until 8:15pm. The capper was that the 12 minute ride this morning was a full hour coming home.

If you can believe it, we arrived at the hospital before admissions opened and left after it closed. Heena, the sweet SI assistant, met us this morning to help us navigate registration and thus ensure we had a room on the 10th floor, the floor on which my procedure would occur. If I never have to see room 1014 again, I will be perfectly okay with it! I shared this room with another woman and her family………………all 12 of them. It was a revolving door of people. As if we weren’t there they laughed, talked, answered cell phones as loud as car horns and, I swear, did their laundry in the sink because there were a few pairs of skivvies hanging in the bathroom. Eeeewww. The thing that made me overcome these shenanigans was that later in the day we found out the patient had given birth to twins the night before and they were all celebrating. Actually, one of the family members spent a fair amount of time chatting it up with us and even gave us some sweets that are celebratory treats in India. Geoff found these delectable!

Anyway, I headed into the bathroom (a.k.a. my roomy’s laundry room) to change into my sporty gingham johnny and pants. The bathrooms here still spook me a bit and although they may be clean for some, I find them pretty gross and smelly. There’s always 2-3 buckets and a sprayer next to the toilet instead of TP. No, not a bidet, a sprayer like I have attached to my kitchen sink. How the heck does one wash with that thing without soaking all of their clothes?! Note to any woman traveling to India….I’ve been carrying around a cushy roll of Charmin in my purse and it has definitely come in handy. When I resurfaced from the bathroom Geoff saw the look in my eyes and tried his best to make me laugh by singing a rendition of Hip to be Square, offering his best Bollywood moves, which we’re both captivated by each time we see it on TV. After his performance, we waited and waited with just a couple interruptions by the anesthesiologist and nurses checking my vitals.

At 11:15am, it was go time. They stuck a hairnet over my head, asked me to remove my socks and walked me into the surgical suite. I hopped up on the gurney and tried to deep breathe with my heart pounding out of my chest. I knew no one, Dr. Yash had yet to arrive and everyone around me was speaking Hindu. After sticking me with a needle that looked like a samurai sword, they got me off my gurney and walked me into the “OT” – operating theater. Even more masked people were in this room and the huge spot lights shining down magnified the foreign medical equipment they quickly began hooking me up to. WHAT THE HELL DID I GET MYSELF INTO?? I felt so alone and still no Dr. Yash. I was more scared now than I had been the whole trip. Tears streamed down my face and this alerted the nurses and surgeon closest to me. He leaned over and in a thick Indian accent said, "don’t worry - everything will be fine. Ha ha, that’s easy for you to say, Mr.! He summoned the nurse to get Geoff, thinking this would make me feel better. Geoff appeared in the entrance of the surgical suite’s doorway to see me sprawled across a table with my arms out to the sides as if I were making a crucifix. Over the hustle and bustle Geoff yelled out, “I love you and I’ll see you soon” which of course made me cry even more! I tried to make him out but without my glasses on I was even more out of sorts. Dr. Yash came in at that last minute and apologized for being stuck in traffic. After that, the last thing I remember was them placing an oxygen mask over my face and injecting something into my IV.

I awoke just outside the OT in the surgical suite again and I will admit, I was in a significant amount of pain. They retrieved my eggs laparoscopically leaving me with three very sore incisions. In addition, my throat then (and still now) is killing me from the tracheal tube they put down my throat. On a good note, from approximately twelve follicles, they retrieved six mature eggs – all of which were fertilized today with a fresh batch of Geoff’s sperm through a procedure called ICSI. For two days the embryos will grow after which the doctors will decide which are the best three to implant into our carrier this Friday.

After the surgery, we waited and waited and waited………….for almost seven hours. Seriously? SERIOUSLY. I’ll admit, we were both disappointed that neither Dr. Sudhir or Dr. Yash visited us in our room today. Thank goodness Heena was there to check in with us and to translate when needed. With her much needed help, I was discharged at 7pm and given prescriptions she helped us fill at the on site pharmacy. Unfortunately, despite me confirming the one medication I have had an allergic reaction to with every nurse and doctor today, that is the antibiotic they prescribed - so we then had to deal with that. We left the hospital by 7:15pm only to sit in a car the size of a match box in bumper to bumper traffic on horrible roads for another hour. Gggrrr. The good news is, it’s over and I’m now resting on clean sheets in bed at our lovely hotel. The incisions are much more sore than I anticipated, but I’ll deal with it knowing the surgery is behind me and the transfer is ahead.

Getting By

2010-02-01T19:45:00.003-05:00

I’ve hit the feeling-lousy stage of IVF so part of me looked upon Sunday, a day with no medical appointments whatsoever, as an opportunity to do something to get my mind off things and to simply relax. Our driver, Ajit, has very good English and clearly knows the city of Mumbai quite well so we decided to take in a quick tour of the major sites – Gateway of India, Taj Mahal Palace & Tower hotel, Gandhi house (stirring), Queen’s Necklace, Haji Ali Dargah mosque - and to tackle a little haggling with street vendors. Turns out Mumbai itself isn't much of a tourist destination. The two big beaches are really just for locals and the downtown architecture looks more British than Indian. If you’re in the banking business or part of the Bollywood scene, come on down. Otherwise, look elsewhere to explore the two thousand year history of this country. (Don't get me wrong, the sites are amazing but, museums aside, it can all be covered in a day. Well, with the exception of Elephanta Island and its amazing caves which we hope to visit at the end of this week, depending on how I feel.)

Today (Monday) by 9:30am, was already a difficult day and I could only assume the day wouldn’t get much better. Not so good, I know. I stood holding the first of my two morning injections and just couldn’t do it. I cried, took a few minutes to regroup and then finally got it done. Once the needle is in it’s not bad, but until then the anxiety weighs heavily on me. I am overjoyed to say that today is the last day for my Lupron and Gonal-F injections!! I'm really feeling the side effects of the medications now and that’s a bit frustrating as I have been doing so well up until now. We heard horror stories from others and I’m grateful it hasn’t been that bad for me. As Geoff wrote earlier, I have a headache here and there and I may be a little achy, but the two most noticable things are how tired I am hours after the shots and my stomach is surprisingly distended which, as much as I wish it were true, makes it look as though I have a baby bump. In addition, I constantly feel like I have to pee and understandably, my abdomen is tender. After my injections, Geoff and I went down for breakfast and I really didn’t eat all that much. I did manage to cry again and this time, in the hotel’s restaurant. Nice. I looked down at my waffle and it reminded me of my Nanna who for years had made homemade, fluffy waffles. I miss home. I miss my Mom. I miss the comforts of our immaculately clean home. I miss cooking in my kitchen. And I miss my cleaning frenzies, which occur weekly…..okay, sometimes daily.

We were due at Lilavati Hospital for a 10am pelvic scan I was not looking forward to and which, no doubt, added to my morning emotions. We only had to wait a few minutes before a smiling, sharply dressed Dr. Yash appeared. Happily, she only wanted to see the progression of the follicles in my left ovary which, as Geoff mentioned, is extra high. This means it can only be seen by an abdominal probe, not the transvaginal, and this greatly improved my day's outlook. Waaahoooo! Follicles are plumping up nicely and it appears I have a good amount in each ovary. Again, waaahooo! We left the hospital and headed back to the hotel to relax for the afternoon. (A quick hello to Douglas from Melbourne, a really funny, kind Aussie we met by the pool.)

Tonight’s the trigger shot and Geoff is on needle duty. Tomorrow is a purely lazy day as my ovaries kick into overdrive and I'm told to rest all day. Next stop: E-Day (egg retrieval day) - please keep us in your thoughts and send lots of baby dust!

Tokens of Conception

2010-02-01T16:15:00.000-05:00

During our first meeting with the doctors, Geoff and I were presented with a couple of gifts we would like to recognize and share with you. (How great are these doctors?) The first is a beautiful, silver jewelry box decorated in local Indian symbols that will forever conjure our trip east. The second is our favorite and will be our mascot during this trip and throughout the process. It is a wood-carved elephant with a latticework torso in which one can see a second, baby elephant. The elephant-headed Hindu god Ganesha is, among other things, the Lord of Beginnings and thus often called upon when starting a new adventure. Our new elephant conjures thoughts of Ganesha and will be our source of good luck! Thank you, SI!

Scans, Plans and Specimens

2010-01-31T16:55:00.001-05:00

(Yeah, yeah - pronounce it 'specimans' for the rhyme.)

It's too much to say we're used to our surroundings but I suppose, with all the distraction that comes with our focus on surrogacy, we've already reached a little equilibrium. Wake up at 7:30am so Shannon can take her meds, shower and get dressed, head down to the excellent breakfast buffet, take a little walk and/or sit around the pool, and then wait for our driver while responding to emails, writing for our blog and the like. We know before bed when and where we'll be needed the following day - we get a call from the doctors on the cell phone they supplied - so it's easy for us to plan appropriately. And happily, jet lag hasn't really been an issue. Seems the significant time difference between India and the US east coast (India is 10.5 hours ahead) is more easily accommodated than a more moderate five or six hour change that comes with travel to Europe. (Shannon and I both have had some rough jet lag after European trips.) It also helps that we spend at least part of each morning in the sun, letting our bodies understand that yes, normally, this hour is midnight, but right now it's 10:30 in the morning.

On our third full day we visited Lilavati Hospital so Shannon could have a second pelvic exam as well as an anesthesia workup while I get to make a little donation. The pelvic exam allows Dr. Yash to monitor the size of the follicles in Shannon's ovaries, ensuring they're growing properly and helping her to determine when the trigger shot and egg retrieval should be scheduled. The anesthesia workup is a little more important than typical because, unlike in most cases when egg retrieval is conducted vaginally, the high placement of Shannon's left ovary (due to the congential condition that brought us to surrogacy in the first place) requires the retrieval be performed laparoscopically. This means a slightly longer application of general anesthesia. We're told it'll be a 10 to 15 minute procedure instead of a 5 minute procedure so, in the scheme of things, not a big change. On the other hand, it does mean Shannon gets to go home with a couple of other souvenirs - tiny incision marks.

The hospital is a fairly modern building located in an upscale part of Mumbai named Bandra, about 30 minutes of traffic south of our hotel. Inside we were met by Dr. Sudhir and Heena, the assistant who met us at Hiranandani Hospital yesterday. A few moments later we were joined by Dr. Yash who took Shannon away for her pelvic exam. Shannon tells me the setting for this second test - though better than the one in the clinic up north - still failed to meet the standards we've come to expect in the States. She gritted and bore up to the test and random visitors who passed through the test suite. Upon return, Dr. Yash informed the two of us that the follicles were developing well and we were going to perform the retrieval Wednesday morning. This meant a trigger shot Monday night at 11:30pm (1pm Boston-time). Dr. Yash asked us to come by for another pelvic exam sometime Monday morning for a sanity check but things seemed to be in order.

The two of us were then led to an office for a detailed discussion with an anesthesiologist about Shannon's allergies, past history with surgery and the like. Looks like things will be a piece of cake for her. Then, to complete this day trip to the hospital, I had to produce a sample. (A sample of what, you may ask? I'm not telling.) This tattered room wasn't conducive to producing samples of anything but I did find a newspaper in the room I could use to catch up on local news if I got bored. Needless to say, I eventually held up my end of the whole surrogacy bargain.

Back to the hotel. This late in the procedure, Shannon's feeling more than your usual fatigue, capped with headaches, bloating and lots of other fun symptoms. We're just going to take the rest of the afternoon off. I've actually witnessed Shannon nap two days in a row. This woman does not nap, her energy's boundless, so I've learned she has a weakness - three weeks of body-altering drugs and long flights east. Good to know.

Parting Shots

2010-01-30T23:19:00.001-05:00

If you haven’t read them by now, Geoff posted two entries just last night so please check them out (First Impressions and Breaking the Ice). I wanted to give folks an update on my shots and what our next medical steps will be. Tomorrow (Monday) is my last day of Lupron and Gonal-F shots. YIPPPEEEE! They’ve left me bloated and a little tired with some firmness in my abdomen since that is the only part of my body I used for the injections. The injections themselves really haven’t been THAT bad but the anxiety just before I’m about to inject is something I can definitely live without. I usually prep both needles and get the injection site ready. If I hesitate when injecting at all, I’m a goner and that is what throws me off. Yesterday was a piece of cake but today, not so much. Even though the needles aren’t that big, to stand there holding a sharp weapon a half inch from my stomach isn’t as inviting as one would think. The hesitation brings on a few hot flashes of adrenaline, weak knees and shaky hands. What fun! I know what you’re thinking…why can’t Geoff give them to you? Well, I suppose he could, but I’m an intelligent, strong woman in my thirties and I’ll be damned if I can’t get through this. For me, it would be a blow to my dignity if I couldn’t administer these shots on my own.

Tomorrow day, I return to Lilavati Hospital for a third pelvic scan and in the evening, I inject the “trigger shot” (HCG), which tells my ovaries to let go of my plumped up eggs and get this party started! I am ecstatic to say that like the two other shots I’ve been administering, this will be a subcutaneous injection (1/2” under the skin) vs. an intramuscular injection (under the skin and into the muscle) that many are familiar with. All this means Wednesday will be the day of our egg retrieval. Wednesday is E-Day!

The Meeting

2010-01-30T18:45:00.000-05:00

Our second full day here in Mumbai is a day that Geoff and I will remember for the rest of our lives. After breakfast and a stroll on Juhu Beach we got ready for the big moment – meeting our surrogate. Our driver picked us up and we sat in typical Indian traffic for roughly 45 minutes before arriving at a different hotel where another SI couple was staying. Together we then visited Hiranandani Hospital, the birthing hospital we will be utilizing if we are lucky enough to get pregnant. Heena, another SI assistant, met us there and introduced us to a doctor who took us on a behind-the-scenes tour of the birthing facilities. To appearances it’s different from the state-the-art hospitals we’re accustomed to, but I’m thrilled to report it’s clean and closer to the standards we are used to. While there we had the great pleasure of meeting another SI couple who are here to pick up their twin boys! Congrats Todd and Alper and best wishes to you both!

After visiting Hiranandani Hospital, we eagerly headed back to the SI offices. Soon after arrival, we proceeded into a semiprivate room where our carrier, “R” was seated with her husband and an attorney named Amit who would facilitate the contract signing. We anxiously shook hands and offered the most sincere smile two people could offer. Amit explained the contract and then tried his best to cut the nervous tension by joking with Geoff and me about how this signing process is similar to a house closing as in both instances you sign a slew of papers. The formal signing took only a few minutes after which Amit opened it up to all of us to communicate. R was shy, extremely soft spoken and reserved. Beautiful is an understatement, with eyes and a smile as innocent and sincere as you can imagine. She was dressed in a traditional Indian sari and wore gold chandelier earrings, a matching necklace and a small piercing in her nose. (Apparently, in most of India, women prefer to wear gold jewelry - with the exception of an Indian state named Rajasthan where silver is preferred.) Her left hand was delicately decorated with Indian henna tattoos which I meant to comment on but just couldn’t remember in the thick of it. Her husband understood some English, supposedly unusual for a lower caste family, and in true Indian culture showed more eye contact then she. He appeared to be very supportive, aware of the implications of this process and very much a part of it. We were extremely happy for confirmation that R would not be on her own.

The process was a bit awkward but incredibly exciting and inspirational. The emotions of gratitude that we felt in her presence were beyond overwhelming. We are meeting the woman who will hopefully, very soon, be carrying our child – oh my god! I was so nervous. My legs were shaking uncontrollably and my heart pounded so loudly I thought for sure R would hear it. With my hormones at their height coupled with the intensity of meeting her, I couldn’t help but cry. I tried to hold back, but simply couldn’t. The SI assistants standing at the ready quickly came to my rescue with tissues and bottled water, patting my hands. Amit hugged me and told me it’s okay to cry. He explained to R and her husband that they were tears of joy and relief as we’ve waited a long time to finally meet them.

Through translation, we wanted them to know that her well being and health is our main concern. Their head nodding confirmed they understood. Aside from answering a few of our questions and asking us what nationalities we are, they didn’t have much to say. R's timidness didn’t go unnoticed and we didn’t want it to be any more uncomfortable then it already was, so as directed, we quickly moved back into the space where Doctors Sudhir and Yash were waiting for all of us. The doctors were very happy for us to finally be in this moment, to be sitting with our surrogate and moving forward with the process.

The doctors translated a few questions we had for R and let her and her husband know that we would always consider them part of our extended family. Geoff and I did struggle to express our thanks. This simple couple from the streets of Mumbai would be tied to us for the rest of our lives through this amazing act of sacrifice. What can you say? To complete our visit we gave them some gifts we’d brought along for them and their two sons. We had purchased a Lego set for each son and some Playdough. We gave the husband a foam baseball and bat for use with the boys and much to our surprise, he knew what they were. Funny thing….as Dr. Sudhir was explaining to him that baseball is a very popular sport in America, the husband nodded and in the middle of his native response, we heard him say “ESPN”. Not sure where he’d seen it, but he was spot on. (Gift selection was challenging, particularly for the father. What would be suitable for a low caste Indian father? We settled on something he could use with his children thinking, well, baseball is a lot like cricket – which is popular in India - but novel enough to be unique in their neighborhood.) Except for the baseball and bat, all of the gifts were in pretty gift bags with coordinating tissue paper and ribbon. Geoff thought it might be awkward for the couple to walk home with these technicolor bags but in my family, gift presentation deserves its own attention. R’s gifts were in a hot pink, polka dot bag (of course!) and her eyes lit up in amazement. Understandably, she preferred to wait until she got home to open it, but inside was a pretty necklace and matching bracelet for her, some girly things (eye shadow, lip gloss and nail polish), a body cream set and a journal for her to write her thoughts in while she’s carrying for us. We’re hoping they will enjoy the gifts and were pleased with our selections. They collected their gifts, shook hands with us once more and then went on their way.

Prior to our leaving the clinic another SI couple arrived to say hello. Stan and his wife were two days away from going home to New York with their new daughter Daniella. (Geoff had actually spoken with Stan on the phone more than once as we researched our India clinic options. He was a fantastic resource.) We held the adorable newborn for a few stolen moments and then said our goodbyes through hugs and handshakes. Congrats to the happy couple!

That evening, the doctors took Geoff and I out to dinner at the restaurant Jamavar in the amazing five star Leela Hotel, where we enjoyed authentic Indian cuisine from both Northern and Southern India. It was a fun night and a great privilege to have one-on-one time with the doctors, getting to know one another beyond the x’s and o’s of surrogacy. It was a great night after a full day. We collapsed into bed once we got back to our room.

Breaking the Ice

2010-01-30T15:39:00.016-05:00

In my previous post I shared some of our initial impressions about India. In this post we'll get to the whole reason we flew these 7500 miles.

On Day One our surrogacy responsibility was to visit our doctors’ clinic for a meet and greet and then to perform some quick tests – me a blood test and Shannon a blood test & pelvic ultrasound.

The drive lived up to the billing I mentioned in the previous post, taking about 50 minutes to cover a mere 10 miles. Our hotel was selected due to its proximity to a hospital south of us in which Shannon’s eggs will be retrieved – Lilavati Hospital. The surrogacy clinic, on the other hand, is located north and placed in a location conducive to travel for the surrogates – the lower classes can reach it easily. This was a wise business decision as it ensures a high volunteer rate for our clinic while other surrogacy clinics, located in more posh parts of town, have greater recruitment difficulties because they’re hard to reach. (We had 16 surrogates to choose from on day one; in other clinics, new couples sometimes have to wait days to weeks before getting even one to choose from.) The side effect of this location is that it looks absolutely like the wrong place for our destination. The driver must be lost. This is where our wonderful, kind doctors commute to every day? This is where we’ve been sending our money and placing our hopes for building a family? We didn’t even want to get out of the car. Is this a scam?

I’m sure by Indian standards the location was perfectly fine and perhaps my characterization is a little insulting, but I’m judging it using my Western expectations of medical cleanliness. The building was cramped, three dingy stories lodged between other rickety shops and shoddy advertisements. We walked across the dusty second floor landing, led by our trusty driver Ajit, stepping over the discarded sandals of visitors as we approached a smoky glass door. Behind it – the comforting, warm smiles of Dr. Sudhir and Dr. Yash. Here was our second oasis in India. Assisting the doctors are Ghopa and Gia, two very well dressed Indian women also equipped with endless smiles and sensitivity to our plight. The drive, the location, were quickly forgotten.

We hugged, exchanged niceties and then caught each other up – how have the shots gone, how’s the jet lag, that sort of thing. We learned that other couples were in Mumbai, two of whom were here to pick up their newly born babies. Yes, the greatest affirmation we could hear – successful couples that have sat in the same office and driven the same streets have babies to take home. (Shannon will tell you more about them in the next post.) These couples certainly weren’t the first successes of our clinic but these were people we could see and touch. Even better, they were people we had met virtually, through the Internet and on the phone. It would be a family reunion!

Shannon was taken away for her pelvic ultrasound, that invasive probing you read so much about. Regrettably, the location for the ultrasound matched the surroundings and frankly it was not a good experience for Shannon. The cleanliness does not live up to Western standards nor does the level of formality as people came and went with little consideration for modesty. The machine was top notch, the instruments sterile, the skill beyond reproach. But try dropping your drawers and throwing your legs wide in the basement of a building in India one day after arrival, with virtual strangers putting you through a very uncomfortable test while your husband remains upstairs. Sorry, no sugar coating, this was rough for Shannon. Lesson for everyone, including us – there are sacrifices in going to India for surrogacy. The process absolutely works and works well, not in little part due to the professionalism and care of the two doctors and their staff. It is simply clear that one must be ready to compromise some of the little things to make the big thing possible.

[We were a little hesitant to speak of ill experiences such as these for fear of implying that the clinic itself is any less than everything one could ask for. In the end, we decided the blog is useless if not honest - we will just try to be specific so as not to indict through association. To date the doctors and their attention to our care have been superb. Frankly, much of the criticism really stems from cultural differences and is arguably the fault of our own perception and preconception more than anything else.]

Our blood was taken one at a time in what looked like a waiting room. Many very petite women sitting on a bench – prettily attired but definitely lower class – stared at you (the big, white guy) as the needle was inserted and blood drawn by another prettily attired, extremely tiny woman. Not knowing protocol I decided I should divert my eyes and not make eye contact. When it was over I smiled and attempted to say thank you – shukria – eliciting laughs from everyone in the room. Apparently, Indian humor gets a kick out of hearing ‘shukria’ pronounced with a New York accent. (Hey, it's everyone else with the accent - not us!) Shannon asked Ghopa how long she was to sit in this waiting room before being taken to the phlebotomy room to which Ghopa replied, “What’s a waiting room?” Ok, she didn’t say that but she might as well have. Ghopa was wonderful though, standing with each of us, holding Shannon's hand, and keeping things light.

That completed our first trip to our clinic's office. We were given cell phones so we could easily contact the doctors and the driver, as well as be contacted, without paying crazy international rates. (The doctors have thought of everything.) Tomorrow we would be visiting the birthing hospital for a tour and then returning to the clinic to sign the legal contract after meeting our surrogate. Wait, what? Holy crap, tomorrow we meet the woman who will be carrying our baby!

Ajit helped us across the street and to his car, then drove the 10 miles over 90 minutes back to our hotel. One full day in India – done. The process has begun.

Mumbai - First Impressions

2010-01-30T15:04:00.010-05:00

Picture a school of fish, a boiling mass of fish swelling and contracting but always connected, maintaining shape and a sense of order amongst the roiling chaos.Up close, these fish endlessly change positions, narrowly angling towards the inside and outside of the cloud, flying past one other, never satisfied with where they are, always striving ahead. From far away, however, the shifting mass has a sense of order and direction. Somehow, it works.

Now picture each one of those fish with a cute sounding horn. And lights they can flash. Watch them use their horns and flash their lights every time they want to change position. Note how they're all talking on cell phones. Now picture cows standing in the way of those fish clouds, big, horned cows that won’t budge or even take notice of the commotion. And then, everywhere along edges of the cloud, watch as sea horses (pedestrians – stay with me as I really overdo this analogy) fearlessly dart across and through the cloud, seemingly ignorant of the speed and the narrow separation from crazy fish and the horns and the lights, intent on getting to the other side of the cloud. And every once in a while, the cloud completely loses all forward motion as it collides with identical looking clouds coming from other directions. The horns and the lights and the ringing cell phones never stop.

That is driving in India.

We’ve been driven to various destinations during our stay and I find myself torn by an eager desire for the entertainment of near-death experiences counterbalanced by a deep desire to avoid further witness to the destitution and poverty found everywhere. The poverty is absolutely everywhere. Try this on for size. There are 1 billion people in India. The country is smaller than Australia and yet has more people in just the city of Mumbai (18 million) than in the entire land down under. Approximately 50% of the Indian population is illiterate and one third of the world’s poor is found in this country. India has admirably matured as a young democracy – gaining its independence from Britain in just 1947 – with a GDP that ranks 11th in the world. However, income distribution is highly skewed. 42% of tax revenue is generated by the city of Mumbai alone. Yes, almost 50% of all Indian tax revenue comes from this dot on the west coast of India, home to the country’s finance industry. Population density is crazy high, income is very low – any surprise at these roadside sights? This country just can’t raise the revenue to help and can’t sweep the poor out of sight to pretend otherwise. There’s just no room.

Jarringly, even the most destitute wear brightly colored – and to my male, Western eyes – beautiful saris. But these saris are worn by women squatting in filth, many holding babies, making do with next to nothing in tar paper shacks located on every sidewalk and beneath every overpass. It’s so overwhelming that perhaps it’s no surprise how the other Indian classes seem to ignore the destitution so completely. They just don’t pay attention when walking through and among it (it’s unavoidable to walk otherwise). They acknowledge it, they bemoan it, but there is a what-can-you-do attitude accepting each person’s lot in life. Even the lowest castes appear to accept their lot. I could be wrong but during our short stay I have the impression there is no ambition amongst those lower classes. They’re born as beggars and that’s fine, that’s what I was born to do, could you spare a rupee? Shannon has had trouble accepting this acceptance but I have begun to resign myself to the reality.

All this is viewed through a car window. In person, the Indians have been extremely friendly, quick with a smile and a “Hello, sir” or “Hello, sir. Hello, madame.” (Never just a “Hello, madame”. There’s still an undercurrent of chauvinism that recognizes men as being in charge. You know, maybe I could get used to this place…..) All of the top hotels are fronted with security who check automobiles for explosives or contraband and asks every visitor to place their bags on an x-ray belt, just like at the airport. Mumbai has known terrorism so the security is welcome and reassuring. Once in the hotel, as Shannon already shared, we’re in an oasis on the Arabian sea. Great views from our room window and surprisingly good food. Not that I expected bad food but we don’t find ourselves compromising in the name of overseas travel. The food’s good! We wimped out our first full night here and ate Italian food at an in-hotel restaurant. You know what? The Indians can do Italian!

Oh, by the way, we’re here for Surrogacy. We look around and think cripes, we've done it. We're in India...

I’ll share our first full day in the next post, Shannon the day after that.

Namaste from Mumbai

2010-01-28T14:01:00.004-05:00

Hello (Namaste) from Mumbai! After a long day and night of travel, we finally made it here safe and sound. As predicted, the flight from Boston to New Jersey ran late. Knowing this flight is notoriously delayed, we built a long layover into our flight itinerary so we were fine. After some ridiculously overpriced and not-so-tasty food in Newark, our Mumbai flight boarded on time and we were on our way. The flight was full but not to capacity so we had our own row to spread out across and I did just that, thank you very much. Wouldn’t you know, there were over 200+ movies to choose from! That sure helped the time pass.

I will admit, I was a little nervous for the Mumbai airport because so many people have shared their experiences - both good and bad - and I just wasn’t sure what to expect. Customs was a breeze and before we knew it, we were pulling our bags off the luggage belt. It is kind of a free-for-all at the baggage claim but as long as you get to the belt before the rest of the crowds, you’re in good shape. We walked outside to a huge corral of hundreds of people held back by 4’ high partitions. Most were holding signs and others were eagerly awaiting the arrival of loved ones.

We found our driver in no time and made it to the Novotel Juhu Beach in roughly twenty minutes. I’m fairly positive our driver works for NASCAR because although I was trying to take in the sights, I found myself mainly looking down at my shoes and crushing Geoff’s hand because it’s frightening how quickly and how close cars come to each other and passersby. Cars, rickshaws, bicycles, cows, motorcycles, pedestrians, dogs and cows were all over the road – no exaggeration. Did I mention there are cows? Cows here are sacred and are left alone to do as they please.

I have to say, there is a certain smell in the air that some may find very unpleasant. We’re told it’s from the smog and it’s always worse in the winter. I’ve been trying to figure out what it smells like and the only thing I can relate it to is a smell that some may recognize while walking the streets of Manhattan – extremely burnt peanuts (from the street vendors) mixed with subway exhaust. Fortunately, as you enter our hotel, it smells like fresh cucumber water and the lobby waterfall helps you to forget the heartbreaking sights of deep poverty witnessed during our ride from the airport. The security at our hotel is great and the staff have gone above and beyond to ensure we are content, all of which makes us very happy. In our room now sits a lovely flower arrangement that the very thoughtful Dr. Sudhir and Dr. Yash sent to welcome us. Our original room overlooked the Arabian Sea and some neighboring buildings, including slums. After walking around the grounds of the hotel, we found that the rooms on the other side of the building overlooked both the sea AND the pool while facing away from the harsh reality of slums. The Novotel pool area is quite beautiful and that combined with the beach and sea is a much more pleasant view. We shmoozed the front desk and won ourselves a room on that better side. We're "home".

There is lots more to talk about but bedtime awaits. Talk to you tomorrow!

It Takes Two

2010-01-26T17:25:00.002-05:00

[T-minus two hours 'til our flight to Mumbai.....]

Although Shannon always has the grace and tact to use 'we' when discussing our surrogacy pursuit, the fact is - as with any pregnancy - she has to do all the heavy lifting. Yes, I'm playing my part in the planning process, but only Shannon has to self-inject twice a-day and then wrestle with the hormonal side-effects. (In my weaker moments maybe I'd say we BOTH have to deal with her hormonal side-effects, but this is where I show my own bottomless reserve of tact.) Add to this the almost mystical draw women have to motherhood and I'm quite sure I'm having a much easier go of it.

To date I've been fulfilling the role of supportive husband, key to which is denying how nerve wracking this entire procedure is, how I'm about to go ON A PLANE TO INDIA TO MAKE A FAMILY. It can be absolutely overwhelming if I let it but the denial is crucial because it lets me provide my wife with a safe harbor as she prepares for poking, prodding and baby making in a foreign land with people we've never even met.

As I get older I'm realizing that the old saw about women being tougher than men is probably true. Not in the takes-a-whack-to-the-shin kind of way, I mean the ability to weather adversity and move on. They cry, maybe wallow, talk it through, come to terms and forge ahead. Men deny, bury, stew and then have a heart attack. In a way, my denial might not be the healthiest choice though worth the sacrifice for Shannon. Let me give you a frank example...

I had my first proctological exam a couple months ago (yes, I just went there), a single digit affair that left me scared to drive and possibly scarred for life. If I can even muster the strength to speak of it, I get this far away look in my eye like a war vet reliving the storming of Normandy. Remember, this was one finger for, I'm guessing, two seconds. Shannon, meanwhile, (as mentioned in her last post) had to give way to an angry, foot long probe in her nether region for over 10 minutes - that's a year for guys. She cried a couple tears, sure, but you know what - five minutes later she's talking about more packing ideas and wondering if I'd be ok with her buying a sixth pair of shoes for India. Could I have moved on so well? No, sir.

Shannon wears her heart on her sleeve and cares, sometimes too much, for the welfare of others. She is also one of the toughest women I've ever known. I don't think that combination is a coincidence. On the outside maybe I'm the shoulder she cries on, but getting ourselves to India would never have happened without her.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The tragedy in Haiti brings with it a harsh perspective on our family aspirations. In a land where losing only one parent, sibling or child is a blessing, our struggles to start a family - though sympathetic - tend to pale. We have health, security, means and a future. Hopefully, we can maintain the proper perspective as we move into this new stage of our journey, remaining humble and thankful for what we already have. That said, pray like hell for us! ;-)

A Spoonful of IVF

2010-01-21T01:00:00.004-05:00

Let's just take a minute and acknowledge the fact that I've been successfully self-injecting Lupron for ten days now! The purpose of Lupron, for those that may not know, is to suppress ovulation - or, as I like to think of it, putting my ovaries to sleep. We want my ovaries on a clock set by the doctors, not the biological clock that's been ticking the 23 years I've been alive (shut up, I'm on drugs, let me be 23). Today, in addition to Lupron, I'll now be injecting Gonal-F. Gonal-F tells my ovaries it's time to go, start making eggs. It's fertilizer with rocket fuel. I'll be taking both Lupron and Gonal-F together for the next eleven days. At about that time I take one butt-directed booster shot of a drug called HCG and then, approximately two days later, it's egg harvest time.

But how do we really know when to do the HCG thing? That's where today's glorious morning comes in. I had the pleasure of a lovely test called a Transvaginal Ultrasound. (I also had a blood test - an estradiol test - but as a needle pro I'm way past worrying about this.) I agree, the sound of a Transvaginal Ultrasound alone is just awful and I can promise you, the test itself is worse. I'll spare you the details and the ridonkulous size of the probe and just cut to the chase. A transvaginal Ultrasound is an internal pelvic ultrasound used for multiple purposes. For women going through IVF it's used to monitor the size of the follicles in their ovaries (each follicle makes one egg). As eggs mature, the follicles grow in size - seems there's a target size that says the eggs are ripe and ready to meet their match. We'll use today's ultrasound and blood test to determine my baseline and when I'm ready for that booster shot. Am I an expert or what? Not even close and I must give props to one of my favorite books thus far - The Couple's Guide to In Vitro Fertilization by Liza Charlesworth. Great book for anyone going through IVF.

Before I sign off, I'll just add that this will be my last post before we leave (Geoff tells me he's got one on the way so keep an eye open), but we'll blog while we're away and keep everyone posted. Only four days to go and come Tuesday, we're on our way to Mumbai! This weekend, we're running some errands, packing and enjoying the comforts of our home while we still can. We're going out with our "gang" on Saturday night (gang of closest friends that is) and then after a spa day with the women in my family on Sunday, we'll have a farewell dinner at my mom and stepdad's on Sunday night. Please continue to send your well wishes, good thoughts, blog comments, emails, love, prayers and support because we need all that we can get! xo

Big Shot

2010-01-13T22:30:00.001-05:00

That's right. That's me - because tonight I conquered the needle and gave myself my first injection. Thanks to all for the support and good wishes! Now that the anticipation and anxiety are over, I'm going to faint and then go to bed. xo

Emotions, Drugs & Hormones

2010-01-12T23:15:00.007-05:00

Well, we are fourteen days away from leaving for our big trip and everything appears to be in place. (Phew!) I am 2.5 weeks into taking the birth control pill and I can honestly say it hasn't affected me too much. I understand there can be some unpleasant side effects but truthfully, with the exception of an occasional headache, hot flash or funky dream, I'm feeling great. That is, aside from the hurricane of emotions I would expect when only two weeks from a 7,500 mile trip and the next big step in starting a family through surrogacy. I'm sure those feelings will be stirred up even more once we begin our IVF meds, which arrived safely last week. I officially look like a drug dealer, as there is a mountain of syringes, alcohol swabs and drugs on our kitchen island (and in the fridge).

I begin the Lupron shots (a.k.a. Leuprolide Acetate) this Wednesday - that's right, this Wednesday, as in tomorrow - and I'm not sure whether I should say hooray or eeekk! The Gonal-F shots (a.k.a. Follitropin Alfa) begin about 10 days later. Ordering our meds wasn't too difficult and here is how it worked for us.....

Turns out that because our SI doctors only practice medicine in India, they can not register with the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency and thus are unable to prescribe medicine in the U.S. Instead, Dr. Sudhir sent us the order and our local fertility doctor prescribed it through his office. (We got it through Freedom Fertility Pharmacy, a common source for IVF drugs.) Although our local fertility doctor will be monitoring me during our cycle while we are in the States, we obviously will not be working with him for all of it. Unfortunately, our medical insurance through Harvard Pilgrim Health Care only covers complete IVF cycles, not bits and pieces. As a result, none of our U.S.-based treatments and medications are covered. Bummer, I know, but we are moving forward with filing a “member claim” to hopefully have some of it paid for and we shall see what happens. For the record, the out of pocket cost for the IVF meds prescribed for us was approximately $2000.

In addition, because we will not be working with our fertility doctor here for a full IVF cycle, his office cannot legally walk me through how to administer the shots. They pointed us to a bunch of very helpful online videos posted by Freedom Fertility Pharmacy, but lucky-me has a stepsister (much more like a sister) who is a nurse. We had a private practice lesson in shot administration tonight and after successfully turning a banana into a pin cushion, I'm confident I will be good to go for tomorrow. In all seriousness, I'm not nervous about the actual shot, I'm nervous about mixing up the dosage, but she assures me, I'll be fine. Let's hope that's the case and thank you, Ad!

Many have asked how I feel about everything that's happening this month and I figured I'd address that while I'm writing about the three things that are keeping me up at night - emotions, meds and hormones. I am very excited and can't wait to meet R (our surrogate), our doctors and any of the people we've been interacting with during the process (along with any other IPs!). I'd be lying if I didn't say I am also scared, nervous, anxious, stressed and a bit apprehensive. I have been fortunate enough to travel a fair amount in my life both domestically and internationally, but never to a country in the developing world such as India. I know there will be a culture shock and everyone who knows we're going has said something to the effect of, prepare yourself, the culture shock is alarming. I feel as though I'm pretty open minded, but I must admit, with all of the warnings, I am nervous! To help prepare me for our trip, Geoff bought me a great book that I'm enjoying called Wanderlust and Lipstick: For Women Traveling to India. The book is perfect for women as it gives really practical advice on the culture, dressing appropriately, areas to visit and avoid, keeping personal belongings safe and a cool thing is that it includes fun anecdotes and advice from women travelers. I highly recommend it!

I continue to believe my emotions are still "in check" though my husband may disagree. (I like to randomly hurl insults at him and then scream, “That’s not me, it’s the pill talking!”) I understand there are hormones racing through my body right now but even still, I was feeling emotional prior to starting any meds because I am an emotional person and because this is such a sensitive subject. It's a bit hard to explain, but there are times when I'm excited and smiling and cheery because the hopeful outcome of this journey is a positive one. I also know that there could potentially be a negative outcome and I would be heartless if I didn't worry about that. Also, this is the first time we've ever tried to have a baby and I do feel responsible for what goes on in my body. To elaborate, I have been taking my prenatals and birth control pills regularly, I have been eating healthy, I haven't been drinking (not that I drank much anyway), I haven't been consuming caffeine and I've just been trying to be healthy, thinking that would help the process. But, what if I'm not as healthy as I can be or what if I'm slightly off on the meds and that throws things off? I know, I know, there are a lot of what-ifs! So I will just try my best to take deep breaths and embrace it all as it comes.

Being There

2009-12-28T22:01:00.010-05:00

With the busier December holidays behind us, I had a little time to reflect on our efforts to book a hotel room and a flight. We learned a few useful facts about India - and travel to India - and I thought I might share them. Now as Shannon would surely warn you, unless you get a kick out of minutiae, think twice before letting me take you on any kind of tour. I love details, the story behind the story, the whys and the wherefores. Tell me something I don't know - please. I'm genuinely interested. The problem is I sometimes forget not everyone feels the same way. Let me prove that to you.....

Before I begin: In retrospect, could we have just written to Amit Kulkarni - the travel agent recommended by Surrogacy India and mentioned by Shannon - and just trust him entirely to find a suitable hotel? You know what, maybe we could have. His prices were very competitive and he's got lots of happy customers. (In fact, if it wasn't for my ability to get corporate rates through my company, Amit's prices were the best we found.) So for anyone else heading to Mumbai, no shame in starting with Amit. That said, you'll feel a lot better doing your own homework as well. Oh, and Amit only handles the hotels. For flights you're on your own.

What time is it in Mumbai? Well, if you're on the East Coast of the US, subtract 90 minutes then flip am/pm. When it's 8am here in Boston, the Mumbaiers (I just made that up) are heading home from work because it's 6:30pm. And it's later there - they celebrate the New Year before we do.
India's currency is the rupee, currently equivalent to a bit more than two US cents; today it's 46.5 rupees to the dollar. The US has a fairly weak currency right now - our English brother-in-law runs around the streets of Boston laughing, British pounds in hand - so even the rupee is relatively strong compared to past history. Why does this matter? Well it means the fantasy of five star hotel rooms at one star prices is just that - a fantasy. It's not as bad as finding an affordable room in New York City either though. And the fun part is you get to refer to daily room rates in the thousands. "My room costs 5000 rupees?!? What, is it covered in gold? Oh, that's only $110 dollars? Never mind...."
Booking a room in a country you've never been to, a city of 15 million people (that's not a typo) with a heavy mix of the have and have-nots is pretty daunting. Where to look? As Shannon touched on, we favored finding someplace 1) relatively near the hospital we'll be frequenting, 2) in a safe neighborhood (if that's meaningful in such a large city), and 3) near a bunch of restaurants with varied cuisine. We settled on the Hotel Novotel, Juhu Beach. This was not some revelation; the area came highly recommended by other SI patients.
Reading up on the experience of other travelers - not just those on surrogacy missions - taught us to subtract a star for all home-grown hotels. (A 3 star would be a 2 star by our standards.) For international chains, on the other hand, expect some consistency. From what we could tell, at least on Juhu Beach, the simplest room at a true four star hotel starts at $175 a night, not including tax.
Little side note that made sense was to reserve the hotel room at a rupee rate, not a US $ rate. Exchange rates change daily so unless you're an arbitrage expert, why gamble and hope the exchange rate doesn't make things more expensive for you?
Internet access is almost never included in the room price. Worse, it's price tag is clearly meant to milk a captive audience. On average, Internet access costs $18 per day. Some hotels do include it, however, but from what we saw, the nicer the hotel, the less likely Internet access was included. Call it the we-cater-to-business-people-with-expense-accounts maneuver. It's certainly possible that rogue, free WIFI signals can be found drifting through your hotel room but one ought not to expect it.
Sometimes taxes are included in a room rate, sometimes they aren't, and either way it's never clear. Amit always quoted prices that included taxes. If you're doing this on your own or working with some other agent, make sure you know the story.
A visa is necessary for entry into India. Think of it this way - a passport identifies who you are, a visa grants you permission to enter a specific country. Traditionally, visa applications were submitted through a country's embassy; India, and a few other countries, now work through a third party, Travisa. There are quite a few different kinds of visas (business, tourist, student, etc.) and validity duration (6 months, 1 year, 5 years, etc.). As a US citizen we could choose from 6 month, 5 year or 10 year tourist visas and settled on the 5 year. That worked out to about $170 per person - not cheap but not negotiable.
There's a whole bunch of routes from the US to Mumbai, some direct and some indirect. As Shannon mentioned, we let price be a guide - turns out this meant a quick hop from Boston to Newark and then a non-stop on Continental from Newark to Mumbai. All told, about $1000 a head. As luck would have it, going direct was our preference anyway even though it does mean sitting in a petri dish for 16 hours straight. (Some folks might prefer a European layover just to break things up.) We did build a long layover in Newark, however, just to be triple sure our luggage and bodies make the connection. Seems the Boston/Newark flight is often quite delayed.

Why be predictable and go to 10? (Or be like an amp and go to 11?) Thanks for letting me get these off my chest and feel free to share questions in the Comments, or email us, if you're hungry for more. And remember, we still haven't set foot in India yet; we hope like hell that after this is all over we can say, huh, we were actually right about that stuff!

Let the Fertility Festivities Begin

2009-12-27T14:54:00.000-05:00

Exciting day for us in our household as we kicked off the morning with my FIRST birth control pill in addition to my prenatal vitamin! Watch out hormones! Next step, IVF shots, which we begin January 13th.

We hope everyone is doing well and enjoying the holiday season. Here's to an unforgettable 2010 for all! xo

Passage to India

2009-12-12T23:00:00.005-05:00

A somewhat huge weight has been lifted now that we have our airfare and hotel booked. Next steps - starting the birth control pill and our IVF meds! (Wait a second. What’s my rush? Birth control and IVF meds?!?!)

It turns out there’s not much of a trick to finding the best priced flight. Despite all our efforts, we couldn’t beat travel search engines like Kayak (our favorite), Mobissimo, Expedia, Orbitz, etc. What does make it a bit complicated is choosing between direct flights from the U.S. vs. connections through Europe. Living in Boston as we do, even direct flights require a connection as no airline flies directly to Mumbai from our city. That said, it’s usually a quick hop from Boston to a hub like New York or Newark. The real question is the time. Do we want 16 hours in one plane – from the U.S. to India – or two 8 hour flights (with a possibly long connection) through a variety of European hubs? When all was said and done, Geoff and I allowed price to dictate our preference. Turns out that Continental flies direct to Mumbai from Newark. Combine that with a hop from Boston to Newark and we had the most affordable option. So we are now scheduled to leave on January 26 and arrive in Mumbai on January 27 – yay!

As for the hotels, Geoff and I thoroughly researched and compared prices for eight hotels in Mumbai and we finally decided to go with the Hotel Novotel Mumbai Juhu Beach, a new hotel that had opened this past July. After talking with other intended parents, India surrogacy parents and from what we’d read in other India-based surrogacy forums and blogs, one of the ideal places to stay in Mumbai for Surrogacy India is a place on the west coast of the city named Juhu Beach. (We know you can't swim in the water or even sit on the beach but the idea of being near the coast would remind us of home and seemed tranquil.)

When researching, websites such as Hotels.com, Tripadvisor and Travelocity offered a great deal of information and helpful reviews, while the actual hotel websites offered specific hotel information and more pictures. Amongst a lot of useful resources SI has provided, Dr. Sudhir and Dr. Yash recommended Amit Kulkarni of Explore India Tourism, based in Mumbai, who could help with booking our hotel. (Helpful tidbit, Explore India Tourism only accepts cash payments.) Amit was extremely helpful, professional, friendly and quite responsive. We are doubly thankful because not only were we looking at reasonable rates provided by Amit, but two local friends graciously offered a "friends and family" rate to the JW Marriott and Taj Lands End, which we also considered. Luckily, we found an even better corporate rate for an upgraded room at the Hotel Novotel through Geoff's work.

It was very tough to make a decision as each hotel has a little something we either really liked or disliked and, let's not forget, cost plays a role in the decision when you’re staying for 10 nights. The point is not to stay in an amazing hotel as if we're on vacation - we're there to grow our family - but seeing that I'll be hopped up on meds, we also want to make sure we stay at a hotel that we're comfortable and safe in. And, if the hotel has a couple of restaurants that cater to Westerners in addition to offering Indian food, which the Hotel Novotel appears to do, we'll be very happy! Even better, we’re told the Juhu Beach area is littered with Western style restaurants. How often do people travel to India and come back heavier?!

Happy Turkey Day!

2009-11-26T12:21:00.000-05:00

This is just a short post to document some great news.....our airfare and hotel plans are booked! Come January 26th, we'll be on a plane to Mumbai!! (Well, with a four hour pit stop in equally exotic Newark.) We'll be away through February 7th and are now ready to count the days to our departure. Geoff and I have lots to share about the research but we'll save that for a later post.

Finally, because today is Thanksgiving, we wanted to express our thanks and appreciation for the love and support graciously shared by our extended family and friends. Why extended family? This is to acknowledge all those singles and couples also going through the surrogacy process. You've made us feel part of a very special family and words can't express how much this has meant to us. I think any normal person would need a rock to steady themselves through this difficult process and you have been this rock for us. Thank you, thank you!

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Making Babies

2009-11-17T19:02:00.003-05:00

Another topic Shannon and I have received lots of questions about are what exactly, medically, we'll be doing to bring a baby into this world. Sure, we continue to practice the age-old method just in case science comes up with a workaround for our current situation (and I'll be damned if they aren't trying). However, until that time, we need a back-up plan. That's where surrogacy comes in.

As Shannon mentioned in an earlier post, she was born with a condition named Mayer Rokitansky Kuster Hauser Syndrome. It's much easier to refer to it as MRKH or, as I like to call it, Son of a Bitch. Symptoms vary but all involve incomplete development of the female reproductive tract, excluding the fallopian tubes and ovaries which, as it turns out, develop separately. In our case, the impact is that Shannon and I have all the necessary equipment for making embryos fully derived from our genes but no way of enabling conception or of carrying the resulting baby through pregnancy. This is where surrogacy comes in.

We require a gestational carrier, a woman providing a surrogate (i.e. substitute) gestational environment, not surrogate genetic material. We've found our third party to conception in India but, of course, the selection can be made independent of nationality, religion and any other discriminator other than biology. Interestingly, we were told by our fertility doctor that the uterus doesn't age nearly as fast as the ovaries and that, in fact, pre-menopause, even a woman in her fifties or older could carry a baby for us. This is contraindicated by the rigors of pregnancy on the health of such an older woman but the "plumbing" would be up to the task.

I won't even touch on the specifics of IVF as I suspect many readers of this blog know more than we do - we have never gone through the process and will be doing it all for the first time. That aside, here's the process as we understand it:

Four weeks or so in advance of a pre-selected egg/sperm retrieval date - somewhat based on Shannon's current cycle - Shannon and the carrier will begin a round of IVF drugs. The goal for Shannon is to stimulate the production of multiple eggs; the goal for our carrier is to prepare her body for receipt of healthy embryos. Typically, with IVF, the embryos are going right back into the woman providing the eggs. For us, the embryos are detoured.
On the day of retrieval, Shannon's eggs are harvested while I desperately try to ignore my surroundings and provide some sperm.
The IVF clinic works its magic to induce fertilization and coax the formation of healthy embryos.
Two days later (give or take, we're still learning) the highest quality embryos are collected and transferred into our carrier. Shannon and I don't even have to be around for this but if travel schedules and bank accounts permit it - or if Shannon's health requires it - we'd love to stay.
Fingers are crossed. The first sign of success is chemical pregnancy, typically evident about two weeks after transfer. If positive, it's more finger crossing for the next three months to get over the first trimester hurdle.

It's fairly hard to estimate a success rate for our attempt. Consider that at present neither Shannon nor I have any reason to believe our DNA bundles or our carrier are anything but healthy. This means that success rates typically derived from couples with previously unsuccessful IVF attempts don't apply. On the other hand, karma and optimism are forever at odds so although we're supposed to remain super positive I can't even intimate our chances are decent for fear of angering the Fates. Forget I said anything.

I can't be any more specific about the process as we have yet to go through it and will likely learn more and course correct along the way. Nevertheless, the above captures the gist, illustrating how, well, mundane the whole process is from a medical standpoint. There's nothing groundbreaking going on; it's vanilla IVF with just a little wrinkle. How wonderful is it to live in a time when such a process can actually be labeled 'standard'? The sobering fact is it's finance, not science, limiting our ability to conceive.

Roll Call

2009-11-13T09:00:00.003-05:00

Fortunately for us, Surrogacy India is one of a few clinics in India that allow intended parents to choose a carrier. Many have asked how we went about this very critical process and I would like to share it with you.

Once officially accepted into the Surrogacy India program, we were provided access to a password protected website with, among other things, a list of available surrogate profiles - sixteen to be exact! Profiles include the following personal information:

A variety of pictures of the surrogate and her family
Age, height, weight, eye color, hair color, diet, religion
Number of children, their ages and the pregnancy history for each child (any complications, natural delivery vs. cesarean...)
Menstruation and fertility details
Alcohol and drug (legal and non) history
Medical history
Surrogacy history (if any)
Personal comments about interests and motivations

Seems like a fair amount of information, but when we sat down to select the woman to carry our child it no longer seemed like a lot and the challenge was mammoth. Our first instinct was to analyze each detail and apply the only perspective we have - a Western perspective. To elaborate, one of the first women to catch our eye was separated from her husband. Unsure why, we invented our own theory, a theory falsely giving us confidence that she'd be a very good candidate. We figured that to separate from her husband in India, with two children, she must be a strong, independent woman motivated to have a healthy, successful pregnancy. She currently resides with her parents and therefore must be well taken care of. She had the highest level of education of all the carriers which we thought was commendable as well. Do you see where I'm going with this?

We were being asked to make a momentous decision using very little information about women with whom we have nothing in common. As you can imagine, the more we thought about it, the more we struggled with the process and the more obsessed we became. It seems as if we talked about it constantly over a four day span. In one breath Geoff was talking about how great dinner was and in the next breath he would blurt out, "I think X would be a good carrier because she has what looks like good childbearing hips!" For each profile we reviewed, we found ourselves trying to imagine why the woman answered the way she did and the meaning behind it. Then, we'd weigh the info we had - Is it better for her to have had two children or three? Does it matter whether or not she's married? Does weight and her diet matter? Is it a big deal if she does or does not tell her children? Does religion make a difference? Also, I know it sounds terrible, but I'd be lying if I said we didn't take looks into consideration. It's natural to subconsciously equate "pretty" with "healthy" and we were guilty as charged. If she looks pretty you think, well, she must take care of herself - and if she's taking care of herself then she'll take good care of our baby, right?

Out of our top two choices one was scooped up by another couple, taking the burden off us to make a further decision. R is our girl - yay!!! We are very happy with how it worked out and we can't wait to meet her in person in January! Not all agencies allow for the IPs to meet their surrogates, but Surrogacy India does. In fact, not only will we have a fact-to-face with her, but the doctors will easily arrange for us all to Skype when R is at the clinic for check-ups throughout the pregnancy. For everyone's privacy, we will not be contacting her directly nor will she be contacting us directly.

I can't imagine what it will be like to meet her and I get butterflies when I think about it! What does one say? Are there words with enough meaning to properly express our gratitude? I'm not so sure, but we will try. Like many, we will of course bring her a gift or two but it seems a bit shallow - "Thank you for carrying our baby. Here's some body cream and a bathrobe." Hhhmm, must think a bit further about that, but the good news is, we have until January to figure it out. ; )

[By the way, Geoff and I use the terms "surrogate" and "carrier" interchangeably in our blog. To be clear, we will be working with a gestational carrier to carry our biological child for us.]

Giving Thanks

2009-10-27T10:00:00.001-04:00

I would like to take a minute to thank everyone who has posted comments on our blog, offered support and continues to follow our journey. It means a lot to us and we are very thankful! For those of you who have expressed a wish to share private messages or questions and don't have our personal email addresses, please feel free to use the email address we recently posted on the blog.... adistantmiracle@gmail.com. Otherwise, please keep the comments coming!

A Shot in the Dark

2009-10-23T17:44:00.026-04:00

I wanted to spend some time discussing what Shannon and I heard, learned and decided about vaccinations. I know this means wading into a potentially controversial subject but, I figure, we're already full steam ahead with the highly divisive subject of overseas surrogacy so what harm can a little immunization discussion do? Anyway, the point here is not to persuade, just to explain. In that vein, let me get this out of the way - Shannon and I are in the 'vaccinations are typically safe and effective' camp. Everything that follows is colored by that context.

Please also keep in mind that I am not a doctor and never even played the game when I was younger. The rest of this post is a mixture of fact, opinion and conjecture - all of which is to say, if you've got international travel in your future, please don't use the following as a primary source of information.

Ok... Like most countries, the US Government recommends a long list of vaccinations prior to international departure. And, like most countries, India recommends a long list of vaccinations prior to arrival. However, with one exception - yellow fever (if traveling to/from specific countries) - no vaccination is required. It's your call. So what to do?

The choice was a lot easier for me. There are few if any contraindications for vaccines in men. My little guys ('sperm' for readers not getting the hint) are seemingly incorruptible. Sure, coming down with a nasty fever could undermine their quality. However, the fact is the illnesses for which I'm being immunized are more likely to cause a major medical catastophe than the innoculations. I'm getting the shots.

The trick is Shannon. As readers know, she will not be pregnant throughout this process. However, she will be producing the eggs and, seemingly, eggs are the more vulnerable partner in the embryo dance. To what extent do we vaccinate her?

Well, Dr. Yash told Shannon, no vaccinations. Period. She didn't leave us with the impression that Shannon should never in her life. It was more about the timing. So sure, Shannon's not immune to Hepatitis A, has a lapsed polio innoculation, was never vaccinated for pertussis, never prepared for H1N1 - all of which can be encountered during our trip. But the recommendation was don't do it. Make the embryo first. Basically, take the gamble with her health.

Now remember, we're a couple who believes in the value and safety of vaccinations. And because we had decided not to travel to India until January or February for retrieval (we could have gone in early December), we thought we had a good cushion of time. On the other hand, we're also pretty busy believing in the powers of IVF and really don't want to muck it up. In such a confusing medical circumstance the recommendation is to get a second opinion. For us, this came in the shape of a referred Travel Clinic.

Turns out that in the US, the identification and application of travel vaccinations (say that three times fast) are the responsibility of Travel Clinics - your local doctor won't do it. Their doctors are typically infectious disease specialists and this is all they do for a living. Our fertility doctor recommended one in particular at a local hospital and, following the handshake, Shannon and I disclosed every detail about our trip. If all goes well, we will be in India twice, the first time about two or three months from now, for one week, with Shannon hopped up on IVF meds and the second time, a much longer trip, approximately nine months later.

We had a very long back and forth about Shannon's options during which the doctor - bombarded by questions - asked, first, if either of us was a doctor and then, second, if either of us was a lawyer. Ultimately, we reached a concensus and acted immediately as we felt the more time that passes between vaccination and departure, the better.

We would avoid attenuated vaccines - that is, vaccines containing live but modified forms of viruses and bacteria. The modification reduces the microorganism potency but there is still a slight risk of getting sick. For Shannon, this meant not being innoculated for typhoid.
We would be ok with other types of vaccines - that is, vaccines that contain either killed forms of microorganisms, pieces of them, etc. This meant that Shannon would get vaccinations for things like Hepatitis A and polio.
We would get flu shots using killed virus. For H1N1, that means the injection and not the nasal spray. (In general, the medical community believes one's immunity benefits more from attenuated vaccines than alternatives but for Shannon, this was the no-go.)
For malaria we are going to use Malarone (proguanil & atavaquone) for prevention. It's meant to be taken daily so it's a bit of a hassle but supposedly quite reliable and with minimal side effects. For the moment, however, we're considering not starting Shannon on this pill until after retrieval. It's a to-be-determined. [I should add that our Clinic also suggested Lariam, instead of Malarone. Lariam is taken just once a week but its potential side effects are positively awful. In fact, this drug's losing it's popularity.)

I'm not comfortable being overly carefree with Shannon's health as our baby/babies would prefer to grow up with both parents, if you know what I mean. This will likely disappoint the SI doctors but ultimately, as there is no definitive guidance, the decision comes down to the two of us. We're comfortable with our decision and think it's optimal.

Plus we got to walk away with cool band-aids. Shannon's are all sparkly, mine are the Batman logo. That's right, the Batman logo. Jealous?

The One

2009-10-23T14:15:00.001-04:00

I am very happy and quite humbled to report that after carefully reviewing and analyzing surrogate profiles, we have selected and formally reserved a lovely surrogate to carry for us! I can't believe I just wrote that - OMG, I am beyond excited!!!!!

For blog purposes, we will call her "R". We know we shouldn't read too much into her profile and photos, but we can't help ourselves. R has a beautiful, genuine smile and sincere eyes. She describes herself as calm, quiet and understanding - hopefully, she can teach us the secret! Oh, and she is all of 5'2" and a whopping 112lbs, which will make me look like a horse next to her. Ugh!

Anyway, we have dreamed of this day, the day when we could say we've secured a surrogate who will be carrying our child. Not only are we thrilled, we are forever grateful. Thank you R!

Busy Bees

2009-10-20T23:13:00.008-04:00

Well it's been a busy couple of weeks for us. Not only has our day-to-day taken its toll but the surrogacy process itself has gone full tilt. There's lots to talk about but let's start with a run down of the latest and greatest in chronological order:

All application paperwork had been completed, including all of the health screening tests required for enrollment. It took us a couple weeks to schedule, perform and then receive the results of those tests, but we got them done and earned a clean bill of health.
Completion of the application also meant our first wire transfer of funds - the application fee - into the great beyond. No, friendly banker, this will not be going to an Ethiopian king in exile.
Our US-based fertility doctor let us know, based on other blood work Shannon had to put herself through (it's been a pin cushion month for her), her specific ovulation and cycle start dates. This means we know exactly when she should start taking "the pill" to lock in her cycle. Neither she nor I have taken "the pill" before so this was pretty momentous.
We Skyped with Drs. Sudhir and Yash, the first live conversation with our SI lifelines. During this conversation we learned that Shannon should start taking pre-natal vitamins and should seriously think about NOT getting travel vaccinations. (We'll definitely cover this later.)
Our application to SI was formally accepted (!) and we were granted access to secured documentation for use throughout the rest of this process. Of particular note was a list of available carriers.
We are now reviewing a list of sixteen wonderful women, trying to decide who is going to carry our baby. Can you imagine?!?

Impressive couple of weeks, no? We'll have more to say about some of the above in later posts but wanted to catch everyone up. Next steps for us are choosing a surrogate (!!) and visiting a Travel Medicine clinic to further discuss vaccination. With H1N1 making the rounds, this should be an interesting conversation.

Clinic Follow Up

2009-10-20T22:30:00.003-04:00

I wanted to write a follow up to Geoff's posting about clinics to briefly mention our experience with U.S. based clinics....

Surrogacy in the United States ranges from approximately $100,000 - $180,000 and, unfortunately, the cost goes up each year. In no way do I think having a baby is not worth that much money, but I do think it's a significant amount of money the average couple most likely cannot afford. The last thing our child needs is bankrupt parents! The India option offers us an alternative as surrogacy in India begins at approximately $20,000. In addition to travel expenses, in most surrogacy cases, there are often additional charges to also consider, such as cesarean sections, twins, amniocentesis...

As many are aware, approximately eight months ago we began our hard core research of clinics for surrogacy. We knew India was an option but thought of it more as a backup and focused our search on U.S. based clinics. We met with two well known, reputable agencies based in Boston that work with IPs worldwide.

Circle Surrogacy is the bigger of the two clinics and is very impressive due to the virtually unlimited resources they have to offer IPs. These resources and impressive success rates demand a higher premium than other clinics - $75,000.00+. It was easy for us to get enamored by their grandeur but we were not able to move beyond seemingly justifiable prices we couldn't imagine being able to afford.

When we met with Jan Lee, the Director of the National Exchange for Egg Donation & Surrogacy (NEEDS), we were immediately attracted to her tremendous heart and professionalism. Although NEEDS doesn't have the sizable forces behind Circle Surrogacy, their staff is a small army of miracle workers that deliver the unconditional support and experience needed to navigate the stresses and emotional roller coaster of surrogacy. Each of the references we spoke with couldn't speak of Jan and NEEDS highly enough. Regrettably, though NEEDS' fees were less than Circle's, it was still a bit too much for us at this time in our lives. Had cost not been an issue for us, we would very likely be working with Jan at NEEDS.

Surrogacy in India is a much more cost effective option for us. There are also other countries developing surrogacy programs that cater to Western couples, such as Thailand, Russia, Ukraine.... It is obviously not for everyone as it requires a very big leap of faith and patience. I openly admit that it took me a long time to warm up to the idea, but now that we are committed to the process, I am very excited!

What is a clinic anyway?

2009-10-07T23:06:00.025-04:00

The clinic we've selected, Surrogacy India (SI), doesn't actually perform medical procedures like IVF. Rather, SI is more of a middle man (middle woman?) with a couple bonus services thrown in. If you're familiar with agencies like NEEDS and Circle Surrogacy here in Massachusetts then you have the idea. Here's a list of SI's core services:

screening intended parent applicants for general health and medical necessity (they're not going to work with a couple simply too lazy to get pregnant on their own)
identifying gestational carrier candidates (unlike with other India-based clinics, SI gives intended parents the option to review profiles and select a carrier)
coordinating care of the gestational carrier
initiating and managing the relationship between intended parents and the IVF clinic of their choice (SI's preferred IVF center is Babies and Us)
arranging all financial transactions
providing legal services, including drafting and signing of various surrogacy contracts
smoothing out the passport and visa application process in preparation for taking the newborn(s) home
supporting logistical needs such as hotel selection, airport pickups and even site-seeing
reducing instances of panic, doubt and concern

[Ok, I added the last one but frankly, that's what Shannon and I felt about surrogacy in India in the first place.]

In comparison to many of the other Indian clinics we considered, SI appears to be taking what I'll carelessly label a more Western approach - meaning there's a greater level of formality and a greater level of involvement on the part of the clinic to manage the entire process. A common warning shared by other couples working with India clinics was to be prepared for long delays in response time and to be self-sufficient and aggressive. Now there's a few uplifting tips! To date, Dr. Sudhir - SI's Founder and Director - has not given us any reason to doubt his clinic's ability to fulfill the promise I just laid out. Of course, as we've only just started the process, our optimistic expectations may be shattered after just two steps in the Mumbia airport. But we won't think such thoughts, will we?

Side note: Our fertility doctor asked an India-based colleague (another reproductive endocrinologist) to investigate Babies and Us. Turns out, despite a disconcertingly corny name, they're considered the leading IVF center in India. I'm sure opinions vary - there's a host of great IVF centers in India - but you can imagine the relief. So Babies and Us? Thrilled are We!

Nancy P. Saves The Day!

2009-09-23T23:45:00.006-04:00

It's safe to assume that when enrolling with a clinic, there are necessary requirements that need to be met before officially being accepted into the program. Things like paperwork and screening tests are a couple of the Surrogacy India (SI) requirements. The screening tests range from basic blood work-ups and urine cultures to a few up close and personal tests. Given that we will be using my eggs and Geoff's sperm, there are nineteen screening tests that I am required to have and ten for Geoff. Obviously time is of the essence, therefore panic set in that we'd be scrambling to schedule doctor appointments ASAP, but I must say, all is going quite smoothly thus far.

Getting an appointment with my gynecologist is like getting in-season Red Sox tickets - unless you know someone, it's nearly impossible. Lucky for me, Nancy has been in my life for twenty years and she is on my side! I left a frantic voicemail for her nurses last Thursday night saying that we're moving forward with surrogacy in India and in order to enroll, I must have a bunch of tests run. Six days later, I was sitting with my feet up in her office. To be clear, sitting with my feet up.........in stirrups with my mustn't-touch-it exposed! (For the record, the "mustn't-touch-it" phrase is straight from my Dad's vocabulary.) In one fell swoop, she ordered sixteen of the nineteen tests and from her office, I bopped down to the blood lab and then into X-ray. 13 vials of blood, a chest X-ray, pelvic exam, 10 hugs and a pep talk from Nancy later, I was headed home at 7pm. Thank you Nancy P.!!!

Other progress this week......Geoff gets close and personal with a plastic cup on Thursday for a more recent semen analysis and we have an appointment on Friday with our fertility doctor here to discuss our plans in India. (Sidenote - our fertility doctor is Dr. R. Ian Hardy of Fertility Centers of New England and we highly recommend him for those looking locally!)

First Big Step

2009-09-16T22:06:00.022-04:00

Geoff here. That's right - I'll be sharing blogging duties with Shannon. Count yourself lucky? Only time will tell. But in the meantime I've got a milestone to share. After extensive research, Shannon and I have decided to pursue surrogacy with the suitably named clinic, Surrogacy India. We'd narrowed the list down to seven agencies and then beat that list to death.

We culled our list from the very awesome Global Doctor Options website. I haven't spoken to the author(s), I don't know how often it's updated, and I honestly don't know how consistenly accurate it is. But for a seemingly balanced and comprehensive view, this site was the perfect primer. It covers all the basics and contains a very handy list of some of the better known India-based surrogacy clinics. [So why read this blog? Because it'll be a totally biased, one-sided view of our very personal experiences. Don't just trust us - read other blogs. But we promise an unvarnished view.]

These are the clinics we investigated:

Rotunda

Akanksha Infertility (of the famous Dr. Patel)

Surrogacy India

Delhi IVF

Dr.Rama’s Institute for Fertility

GG Hospital

Srushti Hospital

Now lowest on our patented India Clinic Criteria Scale were the clinic websites themselves. In this 21st century Internet-age, I think we're all sufficiently savvy and/or cynical to disbelieve what's written on company websites. I'm not saying they're liars. I'm just saying that on the Web facts aren't black or white, they're stretched thin across a wide, gray scale. Anyway, the majority of India clinic websites aren't very good. In fact, our research taught us that some of the better clinics had the lousiest sites. Bottom line, use the clinic websites to get contact information and then move on.

Contacting the clinics can be a bit difficult at first. No matter how well it has sunk in that you're simply tracing the footsteps of countless other couples, the fact is it's you you're writing about. How to start? As for many other topics, we'll cover this one in future entries. For now, the first contact should be used primarily to get a price list and a list of references. Yes, there's a lot more to learn. But if you have these two you're on your way to comparing options.

Ah, the references. That's the magic. Contact all of them. Every single one of them. There's no better resource. The more the better. Did I mention you should get references? Part of my bias is that this is just sensible "shopping". However, part of it also comes from the fact that there is just an amazing community of Intended Parents out there. They've shared the same concerns, worried over the same fears, and had the guts to take the plunge. In fact, if you think about it, they're you, just a few months or years up the road. Speaking with these couples, Shannon and I felt like we were about to join an exclusive club of fantastic people. What an honor to count some of these folks as our friends.

After all of our research, Surrogacy India was, on the whole, the most professional and responsive clinic while Surrogacy India references were, on the whole, the most satisfied and encouraging contacts. Are we convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt? Of course not. No research is fool-proof and there's a long, knee-shaking road ahead of us. But we know we're ready to move on because when Shannon and I looked at each other and spoke the words, "Ready for the next step?" - we smiled.

With Most Bad Things, There Are Good Things Too

2009-09-13T22:30:00.019-04:00

In our culture, it’s odd (and obtrusive) that people feel the need to be nosey. Once you find "the one", people are constantly asking "when are you going to get married??" Once you are married people are constantly asking "when are you going to have children??" Lesson #1 - unless you are CLOSE family or friends, don't ever think it's okay to ask people that question. Some people in fact don't want kids or choose to have kids later in life and for others, perhaps there are fertility complications. When continually asked "when are you going to have children?", and there are fertility complications, it just about pours salt into the wound. Whichever the reason, unless you are close family or friends, it's no one's business but your own!

Up until now, our infertility hasn’t been grand public knowledge and it is with great hesitance that I write even this much. Those close to us, of course, know but we don’t spend a great amount of time discussing it as, to this day, I still can’t understand why it had to happen to me. (Not that I would ever wish this upon anyone else.) In a nutshell and without sharing too much info, I was born with a condition that has left me healthy but without a uterus. One in every 4,000 women have this condition or a form of it and, fortunately for me, my case is mild as it could have left me without other girly parts. I have known about this since I was a teenager and not one day has gone by since the day I found out that I am not deeply saddened by it. Unlike most teenagers, I never got a period, but I did “develop”. (And boy did I develop!) My Mom made an appointment with a well known gynecologist (Nancy P.) who I am proud to say is still my doctor and trusted friend. After a variety of ugly tests we had a diagnosis and on December 13th, 1989, we met with Nancy to find out what it was. Before we learned anything, we sat in Nancy's office - me trembling while my mother had tears rolling down her face in fear of the worst. (insert boatloads of tears and uncontrollable sobbing here) My doctor explained the condition, gave us some helpful printed materials about it and talked about the good news and bad news moving forward.

Good news - I have healthy fallopian tubes, ovaries and most likely, healthy eggs.
Good news - I’ll never get a period in my life.
Bad news – I have this condition and because of this, I’ll never be able to carry a child.

Now, to some teenagers, this news wouldn't mean much at that point in their lives, but to me it was disturbing because I have ALWAYS known that I want to have children. I had dolls I would not part with and a younger sister by 6.5 years who were all “my babies”. I started as a mommy’s helper for our neighbor and then was babysitting for their baby girl when I was 12, if that. To this day we babysit our family and friend’s children because we genuinely love them and we’re happy to spend time with them. Not a day goes by when I am not sad, frustrated or angry I was born this way. Feeling ill-equipped and inadequate is a horrible, devasting feeling that I know many women can relate to. Many others can’t and I appreciate those in my life who have tried to put themselves in my shoes. Over the years, I have been thrilled with joy each time I hear someone I know is pregnant or had a baby. I am most definitely chipper for the guests of honor at a baby shower and happy to play with the kids at birthday parties, but inside it can be painful and hard to put on a happy face. Not because I’m jealous, but because my situation sucks and it’s not fair. (I know, life isnt’ fair, but this is how I feel and I’m entitled to it.)

The positve part to this is, I have a husband who loves me regardless of my condition and together, we will survive and prevail. For those looking for love with difficulties such as mine, I did not scoop up the last compassionate, loving, very handsome man, but I did get one of the best! This finally leads us to our recent decision to pursue surrogacy in India, so off we go!

The Story Before The Story

2009-09-10T20:00:00.002-04:00

Gentlemen, you may want to take a restroom break for this part. Ladies, put your feet up and feel the love!

After Geoff and I met in December of 2005, we knew pretty quickly that it was the right fit. So much so that we moved in together within a few months and were engaged in May 2006. Ah yes, it was during the raging floods that took New England by storm when he proposed and I don't think either of us will ever forget it. We wet-vac'ed the basement for 36 hours, taking shifts so we could each catch a cat nap or run to the restroom. As fast as it was coming in, we were wet-vac'ing it out. (Guess I shouldn't complain because our neighbors had five pumps going and still couldn't keep up and even more importantly, we got engaged!) Much to my surprise he had The Ring for a while but decided on the spot that this day in May was the right day to ask me. His thoughts were – why wait for “the perfect moment” with lots of pomp and circumstance when the perfect reason was right there in front of us - if we could get through this and still love each other as much as we did, we could get through anything together. (fast-forward 2 years and 2 months later and hello India!)

We were engaged for a year and one month and pretty much every day of our engagement was spent planning some part of our spectacular wedding festivities for us and our guests. Up until Geoff met me, my mom and my sister, he had never met insanely organized, die hard party planners. For me, party planning comes very naturally. In fact, because of that (and a few other things), I started a successful event planning and management business over five years ago. Being the last of my closest girlfriends to get married and because of my profession, you can bet your butt that this was going to be an unforgettable, miraculous wedding. No stone was left unturned and no detail was forgotten, literally.

As much as I would love to share each detail about all of the other festivities we enjoyed leading up to the wedding and the wedding, (that is a blog in itself) I would much prefer to blog about this incredible journey we are embarking on. However, for the hopeless romantic in you, please indulge me and allow me to share a few details and pictures of the wedding. It might be over the top for some but for us, our wedding and all of the festivities around it really were everything we wanted and hoped for.

We got married on June 24th, 2007 at one of Boston's five-star hotels – the Boston Harbor Hotel. Geoff was stunning and could have easily had a photo shoot in GQ (truthfully, he always looks that great). I wore a gorgeous Romona Keveza gown in platinum and I may just wear that bad boy around the house for the rest of my life just because I love it THAT much. The ceremony, cocktail reception, dinner and dancing were all at the hotel. Our ceremony was “in the round” and the chuppah, which twinkled with crystals and candles, was centered amongst our guests. I was raised Catholic and Geoff Jewish; And one of our closest friends (JB) who is a Unitarian Minister officiated a beautiful ceremony incorporating a little bit of everything, including a couple jokes from my single days. (Sidenote - I met JB and his wife ten years ago when I used to nanny for their newborn son. They now have 3 kids and all of them are very much a part of our lives.) The cocktail reception was outside on the terrace overlooking Boston Harbor. Our friend SB has pipes like no other singer and, accompanied by her fellow musicians, she was remarkable for our ceremony and cocktail reception. She sang old standards that we love and got us warmed up for the orchestra that stirred things up during dinner and dancing. Everyone just soaked in all of the details and elegance of that night – especially Geoff and I.

Since that unforgettable time, our relationship has continued to grow and strengthen. Our priorities and focus have now shifted to the next important step in our lives - growing our family beyond just us.

Introductions

2009-09-05T15:15:00.003-04:00

Although there have been days, weeks, months - no wait - years of preparing ourselves mentally and emotionally for this journey, we are finally ready to share this beyond our immediate family and close friends. I am quite positive we will say this numerous times throughout this blog, but I will begin by saying, without the continuous support and love from those family and friends, we would not be able to embark on this journey. Many heartfelt thanks to you and you know who you are!

There are more and more blogs out there on surrogacy in India and we are not writing this to clog up more cyberspace or to compete with any other blogs. Our intention is simple.........to educate family, friends, other Intended Parents (IP) and inquiring minds of our experience while keeping them updated on where we are in process of starting a family. This leads me to my next BIG thank you... Without the patience and support of the numerous IPs that we connected with, I probably would not have the courage to go through this process in India. I will get into how much research and how many IPs we connected with later, but for now, I really want to thank each and every person that took the time to email, instant message, talk, text, skype and teleconference with us while we were researching surrogacy. If there is anything that I've learned so far, it's that the surrogacy community is an amazingly sincere group of people and we genuinely thank you for all that you've done for us thus far!

Our blog will be our thoughts based on our experiences from today through the hopeful birth of our child (or children!). We are happy to share these personal details of our lives and hope readers will respect that. For those crazy bloggers out there who enjoy criticizing and posting rude comments, remember, posting a comment on our blog (or anyone’s blog) is a privilege and we kindly ask that you refrain from posting any type of negative comment.